The Swingers Attic

Archive for September, 2010

How to handle non performers

by on Sep.30, 2010, under Playing with others, Sexuality

Question:

What should I do if the male can’t perform? On more than one occasion I have ended up hanging out with a non performer while my husband is having a blast. Tips on how to get these non performers going would be appreciated.

Answer:
By Miranda-
I have had two men in my swinging experiences not able to rise to the occasion and I can tell you both experiences I handled differently. 
The first happened with a couple who the man had already told me he had a rough time staying hard.  He was just fine at getting aroused but as soon as he slipped it in…bye bye Mr. Boner!  I totally acted like it wasn’t a big deal.  We swapped back partners and he was able to finish with his wife.  I wasn’t hurt or offended because I knew it might happen and in a situation like that its better to let the man do what is most comfortable for him. 
The other instance took place will my “boyfriend”  who had worked 8 hours and then drove for 8 hours to see me for the weekend. He was exhausted before he even reached my house. 
We started playing around, quickly began having sex and before I knew it he was soft…”really?” I thought. 
He apologized and told me how horribly tired he was and to be honest I didn’t understand.  You drove all this way to see me and this happens? 
Well I did what any other woman would have done, I sucked on and bit his nipples just how he likes it while he played with himself until he came.  Then I wrapped my mouth around his throbbing cock and swallowed his cum.  That will show him! 
Men sometimes aren’t able to perform this is true but don’t think it is hopeless.  You just need to work a little harder to find his comfort zone.  Where his brain says “okay me turn off  and turn your cock on buddy.”  Anxiety plays a large roll sometimes. 
In the first instance I spoke of, the male would slip in his cock, look over at his wife to only see her being penetrated and it was gone.  
He really wasn’t ready for full swap.  We all know that’s not always the case so just search for a zone and don’t get frustrated if you can’t find it.  You NEVER know what he is thinking. For all you know his house was foreclosed on that same day and wifey thought it would be “good for him” to play that night.  In  situations of impatience I have one word for you…Patience.  Men truly have it harder in the arousal department.  He may think you are just the sexiest thing he’s ever seen but his penis might not have gotten the memo that evening.

Answer:
By Aarron-
Being a male I would first like to say one thing to all the women out there in swinger land before I actually get to answering the question.
If a man is having performance issues with you during play do NOT think that it necessarily has anything to do with you being a desirable woman. In most cases a mans performance issues are not going to have anything at all to do with your level of desirability or sexiness.
Performance can be affected by stress, health, lack of sleep, bad nutrition, alcohol, new environments, sounds, smells, thoughts about non related issues, etc…
Once a man realises he is having an issue it often creates doubt and fear in his mind thus making the problem worse. Performance anxiety is a terrible thing.
Most men know the things that bother them and cause their  issues.
Using myself as an example I can say that loud (or even semi loud) music causes me issues.
I avoid situations like that because I don’t want to deal with it.
If we are at a couples house and about to play I always ask to turn down the tunes.
Only once did our hosts not do so and I ended up at half mast.
I ended up saying “The music is making me not be able to concentrate, turn it down and I can get it going.”
She did, and I did.
As men we all have different things that make us “rise to the occasion” and things that make us fall short of what we wish to be doing.
Another example with myself is that I don’t like a lot of pressure on my cock until I am at least semi erect. Playing with it roughly will keep it from rising. I like very soft touching at first.
If a woman is handling it to much I will try to get her doing something else.
If she just wont stop I end up telling her specifically that I like soft touching at first and then more once I am hard.
Bite my nipples and I lose it, but for another man that may be what gets him going.
The trick is to play around and look for responses that seem to be good.
If you are getting a soft response a majority of the time from men it is most likely that you are failing to find the right buttons to push and are possibly pushing the wrong ones.
Always remember that we men are going to be different each time.
If you have spent some time seeking out the right buttons to push and still no luck can be had it is time to ask.
Say something like “What can I do to really turn you on?” or maybe ask is “How do you like it?”
One woman I have played with on multiple occasions asked me a short series of questions before the first time we ever played.

  1. Do you like it sucked hard or softly?
  2. Bites or nibbles?
  3. Nails or soft touches?
  4. Are you in control or am I? 

Then when we started playing she asked how she was doing when it came to those things.
After that one time she never asked again.
If nothing at all seems to work just remember to practice patience, be nice, and try and create a relaxing atmosphere.
It is much worse for the guy than it is for you when his equipment fails to work.
Be understanding.
Heck… being understanding may even be what will make him rise to the occasion.

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Checking in with eachother

by on Sep.29, 2010, under Lifestyle Etiquette, Playing with others

Question:

We went to our first house party recently and after a few drinks and a lot of flirting I went into a bedroom with another couple. Before heading into the bedroom I looked for my husband and saw him deeply involved in conversation with a beautiful woman. After my fun I returned to the living room to find my husband alone and he told me that the woman he had been talking to didn’t want to play. She had informed him that she never played and just came to parties for her husband.
His experience has made him very against house parties and I think he resents the fact that I had a very good time while he had a horrible time. He says I should have invited him to go along or at least checked in before disappearing on him. Did I do something wrong?

Answer:
By Miranda-
In my opinion yes you should have checked in with your husband.  
Just because he was preoccupied in conversation with a woman in the lifestyle doesn’t necessarily mean it was leading to a bedroom.  In a situation like that I would have “checked in” because for all you know your husband wasn’t interested.  Maybe he was being polite but couldn’t find a place in the conversation to excuse himself.  
Checking in at a house parties is key!  At house parties couples tend to mingle separately more often.  Couples who never play separate in any other situation sometimes find themselves doing so just at house parties. 
We know a couple who the male is  maybe too polite and finds himself becoming “stuck” talking to women at house parties he doesn’t want to play with just because he is horrible at rejecting.  In a few cases he has even played with women he wasn’t into because he couldn’t find his wife to give her a signal. 
So I do think a “check in” at a house party is more than appropriate – it is needed. 
Your husband is probably a little bent out of shape and to be truthful I would be too.  Next time just give a little heads up, “hey honey I am going up stairs with so and so would you like to join us or are u having fun here?” Simple as that!  If you feel uncomfortable asking him in front of the lady he is chatting with ask if you can borrow your husband for a moment and promise to return him momentarily.  If he feels strange about leaving her side to only come back to tell her he needs to leave he can say “I am very sorry but I am needed by my wife for longer than expected thank you for the great conversation, I hope you have a good night.”  Short and sweet and to the point. 

Answer:
By Aarron-
Did you do something wrong?
You sure did.
It is of paramount importance to check in with each other in situations such as you described.
Your husband has a right to be a bit pissed over the situation.
I know that if my wife had done something like that I would feel very hurt.
I doubt that your husband actually has a dislike of house parties now.
When you say he is “very against house parties” have you stopped to wonder why?
It is more likely a trust issue.
He is not able to trust you in such situations and with good reason.
You left his ass hanging in the wind while you pursued your own pleasures.
In swinging your spouse should always come first.
You should function as a team.
It would have taken you two minutes to check in and see how he was doing.
Just two minutes of your time would have made him comfortable and nipped any problems that may have occurred in the bud.
Even if your husband would have still ended up sitting on the couch while you had a good time he would not have felt neglected or cheated by you if you had checked in or invited him along.
He would have known you cared and been happy with your actions.
Walking away from a party thinking “Wow, that was lame, but at least my wife had some fun” is a lot different than walking away thinking “I can’t believe my wife left me like that and didn’t even care enough to check in.”
I hope you both are able to work through this and make it so house parties can be on the 2 do list again because they are a very fun part of the lifestyle and not being able to attend over one mistake would be a huge bummer.
Think about your actions and then talk it out with your husband.
Let him know you realize you made a mistake and that you will try to be more aware in the future.
On the off chance that you simply can’t see that you actually did make a mistake… My advice is avoid all parties and other on premise events that could allow such a situation.

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