The Swingers Attic

No MFM threesome when it had been promised

by on Sep.28, 2010, under Insecurities, Newbie Help, Sexuality

Question:

My husband agreed to us both having threesomes and we had one with another woman. He has now changed his mind and says we can’t have one with another man. Is this fair?

Answer:
By Miranda-
I wouldn’t call it fair but I wouldn’t call it not fair either. 
People sometimes think they are okay with something only to find out…”No I am not.”  Your husband may have thought the idea seemed great until he had his threesome with the female and realized ” wow I am going to have to be really close to another man.” 
I have found recently that some swinger men are either comfortable or uncomfortable with light touching.  Just a brush of two feet can cause a man to loose his erection.  Woman in this area of the lifestyle do have it a little easier.  We are able to play or at least touch one another without large catastrophic events possibly coming.  Men on the other hand don’t even glance at another man’s cock while peeing in a public restroom. 
Your husband should have told you he wasn’t comfortable before the FMF but he may not have realized it until then. 
Maybe you and your husband could invite another man over and your husband could enjoy watching you with the other man until he was comfortable enough to join in. And  maybe he won’t but at least you are making an effort to help open sexual boundaries with him. 
Remind your husband there is nothing homosexual about two men playing with one woman.  Oh and make sure to check in if he seems uncomfortable…what may seem mind blowing to you just may be a poor experience for your husband. 

Answer:
By Aarron-
I have heard of this happening so many times that when people talk about maybe having a trade of threesomes for the first time I often suggest having the MFM threesome first because it is most often the husband that balks when it comes to sharing his wife in such deals.
As Miranda said… It isn’t fair, but it isn’t exactly un-fair either.
It is not worth doing if one of you (in this case your husband) is so uncomfortable with the idea that it could cause serious problems.
If the issue is one of homophobia then maybe doing as Miranda suggested is a good idea.
Having your husband just watch could ease such tensions.
If the issue however is one of insecurities that could lead to jealousies, anger, resentment, etc… then I would say it is more a matter of having some serious discussions about feelings.
Whatever you do however, don’t use the “I did it for you, so you owe me one.” argument.
He already knows that part.
He doesn’t need to hear it to understand it.
Telling him that will just result in guilt and defensive behavior.
Instead focus on the positive.
Discuss each other’s boundaries and fears.
Take your time and let him know that you are looking forward to the experience when he is ready for it to happen.

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5 Comments for this entry

  • Kirsten (results not typical girl)

    I love your blog! My husband and I haven’t craved an addition yet, but our marriage is young. :) If we start to get the itch, I’ll be back for advice and support. Thanks! – Kirsten (http://RNTGirl.com)

  • Naturegirl

    I found that I was a tiny bit uneasy with watching my husband with another woman if I wasn’t actually involved in the proceedings, but he was not at all hung up about seeing me with another guy, though he would take extra care to minimise physical contact with the other guy if he chose to join us. So we have worked out a very acceptable compromise, he watches me, then when the other guy (or guys!) have departed, we make love, using what has gone before as part of our “foreplay”!

  • admin

    Thanks Kirsten, glad you like our site.

    Naturegirl… sounds like you have it worked out very well.
    It’s also a great example of how people react and think differently to similar situations.

    ~Aarron

  • Agile_Cyborg

    I don’t buy this nonsense of the spineless male who suddenly cries in emotional pain because he has to cope with an additional dick in the bed.

    Frankly, my patience is gone on this matter. I’m a male, I GET concerns, qualms, and fears that face the alternative sex seeker. Somehow, though, it is many of the WOMEN who are able to cope with their own issues just long enough to explore and experience opinion-altering arrangements they might have never broached without encouragement.

    ANY man that challenges his female partner (or partners) to explore alternatives and then RESISTS doing the same is an intellectual catastrophe. The wife or gf should immediately back off sex exploration until the situation equalizes.

    I’m done with accepting societal mores no matter where they derive. I have it up to here with people within certain alt-sex groups somehow DEFINING the appropriateness of mixing pussy whilst negating the horrifying and earth-shattering piece of male flesh called ‘penis’.

    This just illustrates that many within the community are no more intellectually advanced than their critical and conventional non-swinging social counterparts.

    You’re a male. Suck it up, grow some fucking balls, and give your partner the sexual equality she deserves.

  • Swingers Attic

    Agile Cyborg – Thank you for posting.
    I too have have noticed the huge double standard when it comes to what many men are cool with vs what women are ok with.
    Though sometimes it is the reverse it is usually the male in a couple who can’t get a grip.
    Equality in the sexual arena however is most likely a long way off when it comes to most peoples way of thinking.
    Those social mores you mentioned get pounded into our heads from a very early age.

    -Aarron

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