The Swingers Attic

Archive for October, 2010

Don’t trust my wife playing separate

by on Oct.29, 2010, under Insecurities, Playing with others

Question:

My wife always wishes to play in separate rooms, but I am not comfortable with it.
I suspect she is doing things she wouldn’t do if I was in the room and that is why she wishes to be out of my site.
She claims that it is because she can get into it more without distractions and likes to be able to focus on just one person. What do you think?

Answer:
By Miranda-
Your wife is probably telling you the truth. 
Sometimes it becomes distracting watching your love one play and also some people can’t fully relax and achieve orgasm because of it. 
Listen to your wife’s wishes and don’t dismiss them without thinking them through.  
I’m not saying you should or shouldn’t play separately because my husband and I only play seperately with one couple who are kind of our designated ”boyfriend and girlfriend.”  In any other situation I wouldn’t and couldn’t play separate.  One my husband wouldn’t like it but also I couldn’t relax doing so. 
I need my husband by my side for comfort and reassurance but some couples find it more comfortable and reassuring not playing in the same room. 
Some couples enjoy separate rooms so they can then come together at home at the end of the night to relive their sexual tales. 
Maybe find a positive spin to your situation.  Remember your wife loves you and if you have a hard time accepting separate rooms then tell her. 
Balance is key, does separate rooms mean you in the kitchen and you can see you in the living room?  Sometimes a little distance is good but within ear shot and eye sight better.

Answer:
By Aarron-
If your wife claims she is distracted and prefers just one person so she can really focus on then she is most likely doing a lot of things she wouldn’t be doing if you are watching her.
Why I say that is because if a person feels distracted and as if they are being watched (and that is not a turn on for them) then they are not going to get as excited as when they get to play alone.
When a person gets excited then they get a little more into it and sometimes a bit more wild.
That is a good thing.
Swinging is about fun and excitement.
With that said I will now say what I often say…
Swinging is a team sport” and your wife plus you equal the team.
Obviously you are more comfortable with same room sex and she is more comfortable with separate room swapping.
Both of you need to try and make sure the other is comfortable and both of you need to make sure your own needs are met too.
Many hotels have suits with two or more rooms that are semi open to each other.
Also two rooms can be adjoining and doors left open.
So playing in a hotel should be an easy compromise to your situation.
Homes and house parties it would depend on the layout, but often rooms are directly across from each other and doors can be left open.
It will just come down to looking for ways to find that comfortable compromise.

Note:
My wife and I rarely play separate room except with just a few very close friends and we never play totally  separate at all except with one special couple.
It is because of comfort and desires.
We do better and have more fun together.
We have friends that play both ways with no preference and friends that like to swing 100% separate and only play same room if it is with people like us that wont do separate play.
Everyone has different views and feelings on the subject.

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Talking her into swinging

by on Oct.25, 2010, under Newbie Help

Question:

I want to try out swinging and I don’t know how to talk my wife into it. The one time I did mention it she became very mad at me and accused me of cheating on her and it became a huge fight. Some advice on how to approach the subject would be much appreciated.

Answer:
By Miranda-
Well you can’t “talk” your wife into doing anything she isn’t comfortable with.  I am not sure how you approached the subject but if it resulted in your wife thinking about you cheating on her, I would say you need a little work in communicating your intentions. 
I always find that playing in bed is a great way to confront a sexual desires.  My husband and I talk about our desires and needs while having sex and that is always a fantastic time because people tend to let down their guard and allow their imaginations to become a reality. 
I am not telling you that while you have your cock enveloped in her pussy to say “honey I really would love to have sex with other woman and also watch you with other men.”  No this is not the best strategy. 
I recommend while in the heat of passion whisper things to her like, ” Do you know how sexy you are?  I would love to see you pleasure another man so I could watch him enjoy you the way I do.” 
Or maybe even put a bug in her ear by mentioning how you would enjoy watching her caress another woman, if that’s something you’re into trying. 
Now if trying to arrange a little swinger action isn’t a possibility in the bedroom then I suggest maybe just every so often for a couple months suggest when you see someone you would like to see with your wife say, “hey honey do you see that woman/or man over there?  You would look beautiful in a sexual situation with them.”  Then ask is she thinks they are sexy or is she attracted to them. 
Swinging is about communication and maybe your wife needs small hints to get her sexual juices flowing. 
Sometimes when the one we love comes to us and says “hey darlin I want us to become swingers!”  That can really be overwhelming.  In suggesting new sexual adventures always start out planting seeds to blossom in your spouse’s imaginations.  We don’t want them to leave the conversation believing you don’t love them and want to be unfaithful or that you may need to be evaluated at the nearest hospital.  Start slow…

Answer:
By Aarron-
It may be possible to “talk your wife into it”, but that really isn’t they way you want to start your swinging adventures.
An unwilling participant who is doing something because they got “talked into it” is a person who is very likely to not enjoy themselves and may always feel a bit as if they are making a sacrifice for their partner.
Feelings of that sort can end up blowing up in your face and leading to fights and resentment.
It is much better to just open your wife’s mind to the possibilities of swinging while letting her know that you would be interested in such activities and let her make up her own mind while not thinking she is doing it just for you.
Sharing fantasies is the best rout to go I think.
Don’t just share your swinger fantasies… share them all.
Learning to open up about sexual desires and beliefs is a very important step when it comes to entering the world of the swinging lifestyle.
Because of your wife’s response to your ideas about swinging I know that you both have a ways to go in the communication department when it comes to your fantasies and desires.
Once you have established some good communication and start getting to know each other in that way is when you should start bringing up the idea of actually pursuing some of those fantasies.
Focus first on the things your wife seems most interested in since she is obviously the less likely to be interested in expanding your sex life with others at this point.
Make sure she is comfortable sharing her thoughts and respect them.
Be honest about your own comfort levels and don’t do something you are not into just to get her through the swinging door.
Find the balance between what you wish and what she wishes and you will be on your way.
If you have particular wishes she isn’t comfortable with don’t push for them.
It has been my experience from watching new couples that those who start slow and don’t push to fast are the ones who are most likely to end up sticking with it, and their rules become less as their comfort levels expand.

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