The Swingers Attic

When the wife says no to quiting the lifestyle

by on Oct.08, 2010, under Insecurities, Unsorted

Question:

I thought I would like swinging, but it turns out it wasn’t really for me. My wife had never been with anybody before me and I didn’t know how much she would like having sex with other guys. She says that now we have started she won’t stop.   I didn’t think she would be such a slut and I don’t like it. How do I stop her from being a slut now and just being satisfied by me? The only thing she has said is that she would compromise and that we could do it just a few times a year.
I don’t want to do it at all.

Answer:
By Miranda-
Resentment such an ugly word and sadly it sometimes ends up controlling a relationship. 
You are going to resent your wife if she wishes to keep you playing and she is going to resent you if you take away her naughty fun. 
Its compromise that sometimes feeds the divorce papers into the fire.  I understand you don’t want to play at all and your wife needs to be supportive of your choice. 
You also need to ask yourself, “what is my wife getting that she obviously needs from these experiences?”  You may think it’s just to be slutty and have a good time but maybe its more.
Women have a tendency when first swinging to feel more sexy than they have ever felt in their lives. For some women its a way to break out of the routine of life and experience true freedom of ones self and sexually. 
I personally enjoy the rush, the freedom and the way my husband looks at me during. 
Maybe sit down and ask your wife, “honey, what is it that you enjoy most about the experiences?” You may be able to fulfill what she wants and desires at home if you knew or maybe she truly does need the lifestyle to help her in some way she hasn’t told you. In that case maybe playing a couple times a year to fulfill your wife’s sexual desires is needed in your marriage or maybe a break is needed to evaluate your situation.

Answer:
By Aarron-
First of all… You say slut like it is a bad thing.
In my world the word slut is a bit of a compliment.
I do know what you are meaning though so I will treat it as you mean it.
Your situation is a prime example of why most couples should really sit down and talk about every possible scenario that you can imagine when it comes to swinging before taking the plunge.
Decisions like these (If one doesn’t like it – do we both stop?) are best to be had before the problem arises.
Since you obviously didn’t have those conversations and make those decisions before taking the plunge you are now in a pickle.
Just as it is not right for a someone to force a spouse into joining the lifestyle or for that matter partake in any activity at all if they do not have a desire to do so, it is not right to force someone to stop doing something they find enjoyment in and obviously enhances their lives.
The fact that you are resorting to name calling (slut in a derogatory manner) shows that you are angry and hurting.
The fact that you are pointing out how much she enjoys sex with others rather than just yourself and that you mention a desire to have her feel satisfied just by you shows that you have some insecurity issues in regards to your wife’s and your own actions in the sexual arena.
These are some serious things to deal with and not something that should be set aside to possibly grow and become worse.
You definitely need to take a break.
At this point I would suggest you stop asking to quit.
Instead ask for a break until everything is sorted out.
Your wife should be understanding of your needs if you are honest and let her know how you feel in such a manner.
Telling her she must quit and calling her names is not the way to go about things.
Once you are on break…
Take some time and make the effort to figure out what really bothers you and why.
Take some time to explore your needs.
Take some time to explore your wife’s needs.
Be calm and rational. Don’t let fleeting emotions rule your head during these conversations.
Instead do some serious self contemplation and pay attention to what your wife tells you when she explains what she gets out of swinging.
Once things are figured out and if it turns out swinging is going to be a part of your lives I would recommend starting out slowly.
Maybe focus mostly on aspects you think you would enjoy most for a while.
Note that I said “mostly.”
Your wife has an equal say in everything and her needs are just as important as yours.
If for some reason you decide swinging isn’t for you after all of that and she still claims she must be a part of the lifestyle I really don’t know what to tell you.
I don’t believe in control of others. People will always do what they wish to do eventually.
Getting somebody to want to behave as you wish is fine, but forcing a person to behave as you wish never works in the long run.
Good luck.

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