The Swingers Attic

Archive for November, 2010

Nervous about my first possible sleepover

by on Nov.29, 2010, under Insecurities

Question:

I am not new to the lifestyle, but recently was asked by a couple if I could come over for the weekend while my husband is away for three weeks on business and even though I know the couple very well and have played with them before I am very nervous about a sleepover type situation without my husband there.
They are very nice people and it is not an issue of safety. It is more an issue of not knowing what to expect.
My husband is fully aware of the situation and says I am being foolish and should just go have fun since he is going to be gone. Why the hell am I so nervous about playing without him? Why am I so nervous about staying the night?
Thank you so much for your input.

Answer:
By Miranda-
Our spouses act as safety nets for us a lot of the time.
They encourage, protect and take care of us when we need it. In the lifestyle a lot of people play separately but my husband and I don’t at all.
I do have permission to go visit one couple separately and at some point I probably will but I’ll be nervous just like you are. When your husbands not there its like a piece of you is missing and he probably makes you feel comfortable to try new things. I understand your nervousness and you are valid in having insecurities.
I think its important to remember that you’re comfortable with this couple and your husband is as well. While you’re alone with them please practice open sexual communication.
If someone does something you’re not comfortable with or you think you’re husband wouldn’t be comfortable with make sure to voice that. The couple you’re going to visit will appreciate the honesty and that in turn builds a stronger sexual bond with the couple.   Each time you visit them you’ll feel more confident and comfortable when alone with them. 
I suggest that when you get there that you tell the couple upfront before anything happens that you’re having a little anxiety about the weekend.  That opens things up right away and they will probably put extra effort in making you comfortable. 
I think its good for you to have your sleepover since you say you’re comfortable with the couple, just make sure to be open and honest with all members of the party.  Enjoy your weekend and remember you can leave at any time if you aren’t enjoying yourself and if you don’t have a good time you don’t have to do it again. 
You being comfortable about the situation is essential and your feelings shouldn’t be down played.  You’re husband just wants you to have fun I’m sure but he should also listen when you have concerns.  I hope everything works out for you and you have a fantastic time.

Answer:
By Aarron-
New experiences make people nervous.
You are stepping outside of all your previous boundaries by visiting this couple alone and by staying the weekend rather than just leaving after play or going back to your husband.
It is natural for you to be nervous about it.
The socialization will be different and so will the overall vibe.
If you didn’t have a few butterflies I would think it strange.
I know I would be a tad nervous.
My advice is go for it and expect a great time.
Have fun with the new and nervous aspect of the situation.
It’s good to be a bit nervous sometimes.
It can add excitement.

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Swinging relaxation tips for group party situations

by on Nov.28, 2010, under Insecurities, Playing with others

Question:

I am so nervous in a group party situation that I am not able to enjoy myself no matter how attractive my partners are. I need some relaxation tips.

Answer: 
By Miranda-
Is it inappropriate to tell you to picture everyone in their underwear? Sorry! 
Okay, so coming from a woman who has zero anxiety in a lifestyle situation but you put a couple preschool mommies in a room with me and I freeze up I can tell you anxiety comes in all forms. 
Whether you are in a sexual situation or not, anxiety can rule your life and take away all of your control and self confidence.  It can disable you and leave you speechless.  For people who don’t have anxiety or don’t have a loved one who suffers with it, believe me when I tell you its a terrifying experience. 
So now for tips to help you relax! 
I try remembering why I am there or why its important overcome the anxiety.
I try to remember I am talking in my head and NO one else can hear me so for all they know I am just fine. 
I also try to keep in mind that although its a terrifying thing I can leave at anytime and I am not helpless.  Allow the anxiety to feel helpless not you. 
In extremer cases try finding a comfortable chair to sit in or a person in the room that makes you feel calm when you look at them. 
If all else fails you can always step outside until you can breath easy and rejoin the group.  I know some of these ideas may sound silly but these are just things I do when in social situations with other mommies.
I can walk into a lifestyle event and own the room but if you ask me to bring cupcakes to preschool I will worry and fret all week about the cupcakes because “what if I do them wrong?” or “What will these mommies say about me when I leave?”  My palms sweat and heart races as I walk in the door with these cupcakes and my toddler.  Its not about the cupcakes its about how they view me and my child.  Anxiety is a downer however you get it.  Don’t let it take you down, breath and arrive into the here and now.  Be present for your feelings and say, ” okay I am anxious but don’t have to be all night.”  Find your comfort and let it find you.  Anxiety has no room to breed there!

Answer:
By Aarron-
Two types of group party situations exist in swinging and I am not sure what type you are referring to.
The first type is the regular old party type scenario that just happens to be all swingers and is for mingling and socializing and for lack of a classier term “hooking up,” and or being invited back to smaller more intimate parties.
The second type is the parties that are for getting down and having sex right then and there.
Both types can offer different sorts of anxiety.
The first type of swingers party I mentioned is the type I sometimes get some heavy doses of anxiety with. I am not the social butterfly my wife is and if I don’t already know a dozen or so people I get pretty anxious.
When I get anxious I get quite. Being the strong silent type doesn’t cut it in swinging. Flirtation, smiles, and socializing are the key to a good time.
The other type of party I mentioned I do a bit better in even if I don’t know a lot of people because couples tend to work the room a lot faster in such situations.
It makes me think of how people act at a buffet when there isn’t enough food to go around.
They pounce.
In that situation I am better because other people talk to me first. I am able to respond fine and I know what is going on.
In either case if I do get anxious what I try to do is get that anxiety down as much as possible.
Things I try:

  • Self-talk – Anxiety is a form of self talk often anyway. It is a bunch of negative thoughts flowing through the mind. If I feel anxious I try to look for those negative thoughts and whatever they are I mentally say the opposite.
  • Space out If I can’t stop my negative thought patterns with positive self talk I figure I need to forget my setting. I will pick a person across a room (or maybe something they have on) or an object (like a wine glass) and purposely just space out on the object. I will attempt to only focus on that object or person and clear my mind for a bit until I can’t even notice whats around me. Then when I come back it is like starting over. If I’m lucky I get no more anxiety and it is time to swing.
  • Breathing – Sit down and breath deep into your lower tummy. Take big slow breaths. Relax your body while you do this. Imagine your breath flowing through you like a light. Breathe in deep and low, filling your lungs completely and then let it out slow too. 5 to 10 breaths like this will calm you.
  • Ask for help – Your spouse is your swinging partner. Tell them what is going on and ask for some help time. Sometimes a bit of a chat can do wonders.

Hopefully at least one of those methods can help a bit.

Another thing your question could be about is being anxious at a swinging party when the actual sex stats to flow.
Group setting, multiple people in the room, sex all around, eyes are on you… it can make a person self conscious for sure.
I have actually never had anxiety in that situation, but I know many people who have.
The deep breathing thing can work wonders in this situation too.
You don’t actually have to be “sitting” for the deep breathing to help.
Though my advice here is second hand I have been told by both men and women who experience anxiety in a group sex setting that sometimes just closing your eyes and trying to only focus on your own sensations can help.
Another bit of second hand swinging advice on this subject came from a girl who said she always felt uncomfortable with everyone watching her until she decided to play a mental fantasy game that basically made her the center and everyone else her personal performers.
She said she just put herself in the position of a highly sexual queen and fantasised that everything going on around her was solely for her visual entertainment. She never had a problem after that and went from a girl who preferred one on one swapping in private to a girl that preferred the group rooms.
Besides that… all I can say is maybe look up general anxiety relief techniques and search for one that would help in your particular scenario.

If your problem is more in the social arena than the sexual one I can say that I have known people (family) who would very highly recommend this book… Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness: A Self-Help Guide Using Cognitive Behavioral Techniques

I don’t know of an anxiety for group sex book available. It sounds like a funny idea to have such a book, but with the popularity of the swinging lifestyle growing and growing it would probably sell.
Maybe a swinging psychologist out there should get on it.

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