The Swingers Attic

What is swinging like the first time out?

by on Dec.18, 2010, under Insecurities, Newbie Help, Playing with others

Question:

We are a happily married couple of 8 years and though our sex life is pretty good we have discussed the idea of swinging.
Besides the jealousy issues and fear of STD infections we are very open to the idea. We will be having safe sex through use of condoms if we decide to try the lifestyle. We have done a lot of research and read many advice columns on swinging, but haven’t found much about first time encounters from a mental standpoint. What kinds of thoughts go through a persons head when they have their first encounter? I’d be interested in both the good and bad aspects. Is it different for men vs women? Both of us have had very little in the sexual experience department before marriage.
I know this isn’t exactly an advice question, but I would appreciate any incite you two may have.

Answer: 
By Miranda-
The best advice I can give to couples looking to get into the lifestyle is this:
Listen, communicate, and compromise. 
Now compromising is different then taking one for the team (if you’re not hip on swinger language yet that means having sex with man or woman you’re not attracted to just because your spouse IS attracted to the other member of the couple). In compromising I mean one of you may really be into going somewhere or doing something the other might not be so hip on.  I am NOT saying to do things against your will but to remember that there just  may come a day that you would like to try something and your spouse says “I’m not doing that because you wouldn’t try this or that when I wanted to.”  If you’re not against it and your partner wants to experiment then compromise, try it once.  You will definitely know if you want to do it again but at least you tried it.  
I think the most important of the three is listening and in this I mean always listen to what your partner is saying, whether he or she is uncomfortable or comfortable.  This also means in and out of the bedroom.  One of the most difficult things to do at first is to watch and listen to how your spouse is reacting to the situation while you’re trying to enjoy yourself or pleasure someone else.  I know from my husbands face whether he’s enjoying himself or not so always make sure to “check in.” 
At the end of every play-date its super important to check in when you get home as well.  Ask your partner how they felt the night went, did they enjoy themselves and was there anything that made them feel uncomfortable?  I know I’m sounding a bit redundant in my advice when I say, communication is key! 
Convey to your spouse if you did or didn’t like something.  Let them know your feelings in depth about a situation.  A lot of emotions can be brought up in the lifestyle and you should make sure you and your spouse are secure enough in your marriage to open another sometimes bumpy but exhilarating road in your marriage.  There are going to be speed bumps believe me as you get going.  Anyone who tells you there isn’t is lying and if those speed bumps don’t appear at first, give them time.  This isn’t meant to scare you but to let you know realistically that there will come a day when your lifestyle relationship will be tested. 
So many things go through a person’s mind the first couple times its hard to pin point one but from a females point of view I will tell you the first few times we played I couldn’t orgasm. 
There were just too many things going on.  Me playing with someone and someone playing with me, my husband watching , my husband getting pleasured, my husband pleasuring another female ahhh,  it was a whirl wind of an experience, but totally worth it and tons of fun. 
Please also note that my husband and myself come from a experienced sexual background before marriage which sometimes makes swinging less intimidating for folks like us.  I can write to you and let you know all the things I felt and experienced but I think the things I feel may not be the same things you’ll feel. 
I will tell you I felt scared, timid, shy, happy, excited, nervous, jumpy, astounded, brave, emotional, giggly (happens when nervous), and totally ready for my first experience. 
I hope you and your wife set out on the adventure but I also hope you communicate, listen, and compromise.  These three things have helped my husband and I along our lifestyle path. 
I commend you for asking questions and looking for answers.  That’s something ALOT of people don’t do before making the decision. 
My husband and I always joke saying I’m the gas and he’s the brakes and together we’re able to travel safely.  I wish you luck in your journey and hope you write back to us letting us know how things go.  Happy holidays!

Answer:
By Aarron-
I’m glad to see you are considering and I assume talking about possible jealousy issues and the risks of sexually transmitted infections though adding new sex partners into your relationship before hopping into the swinging world.
We very much promote the idea of safe sex through the use of condoms in swinging and all to often find people to be lacking in education when it comes to possible risk factors.
As for jealousy issues… they are extremely common and can come along at the most unexpected times.
Personally I have never really had to deal with jealousy issues coming from myself or Miranda, but I have seen it in many others.
Now to your question -
What went through my mind as a male the first time we had a swinging experience is pretty bizarre.
It was at a club and with a couple we had met through Lifestyle Lounge.
They new us to be 100% new.
I was extremely nervous and slightly giddy.
I had expected some jealousy.
I felt none.
My wife seemed more sexy to me than ever before.
Just watching her was a thrill.
I hadn’t touched another women that intimately for a few years so it was exhilarating to do so.
It was also my wife’s first bisexual experience and I was very surprised to see her take charge and enjoy herself fully with another woman as if it was the most natural thing in the world. (It was very natural for her)
The woman I was playing with was very timid and also new to swinging.
She turned me on though and that turned her on.
She became more aggressive towards the end and when I came in her mouth she was greedy for it and didn’t just swallow ever drop, she literally sucked me dry.
I wondered how my wife would be taking it and was surprised, relived and excited to see that it excited her.
Throughout the entire experience I had a slight nagging worry that Miranda would not be o.k. mentally.
I worried she would be jealous or not comfortable. Lucky for me I was wrong.
After cumming I felt dreamy. It was all very surreal.
I watched my wife sucking the cock of another man and wondered why I felt zero jealousy. I wondered about it because so many people talk about it I worried I wasn’t normal.
I got excited instead and decided to get behind her and fuck her.
Fucking my wife while she sucked off another guy was pretty hot.
She looked like such a sexy slut and I liked it.
When we had all finished we went to a social area at the club to hang out and chat with people.
It all felt very natural to us both.
We had bean converted.

I know from meeting a lot of swingers over time and talking with them about first experiences that some of how I felt and what I thought was very normal, but I also know it isn’t.
I had been involved in a semi open relationship for many years before, and had also lived in a FFM Triad relationship before. I had differing views because of those relationships than the average vanilla person.
Nobody can say what YOU will feel your first time out.
It will be different for everybody.
My advice is to…
1) Pay attention to your spouse and make sure they are comfortable and doing well.
2) Self analyze and talk about the experience honestly afterwards.
3) Remember you are doing it as a team.

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