The Swingers Attic

Archive for January, 2011

Having children as a group – polyamorous

by on Jan.31, 2011, under Unsorted

Note on this question:
Sometimes we get some questions that really don’t fit here on the Swingers Attic.
Usually we just send a polite note back to the writer if we don’t think it fits our format.
This question would have been one of those as it seems to relate more to communal living and multiple person family relationships than anything we personally participate in.
We have decided to answer it however because it is an interesting topic.
The question is posted as it was received with no editing.

Question:
We six couple are enjoying swinging life style. But recently majority
couple insisted that each couple to have other couples baby in turns.
Also our children to be only attached to themselves for everything.
Please advise me what should I do? My wife agreed, but I feel a little
uncomfortable.

Answer:
By Miranda-
I must say that in any marriage the topic of children needs to be agreed upon before venturing into the crazy world of parenthood and that’s just with your spouse.  So to ask me what I think about six couples getting together and making children…not a good idea if not everyone is comfortable with the idea and it sounds like you’re not. 
First –  Parenthood is an extremely personal thing and unless you’re the type (which is doesn’t sound like you are) to take it with a grain of salt then I personally think you should talk with your wife and let her know you’re NOT comfortable raising children in a community setting where all the children belong to everyone involved in the love circle. 
I think its important to voice your feelings because it truly is a gigantic leap to take. 
Second - What happens if you decide hey this really isn’t for us and then what?  Try to figure out what children your sperm helped create so you can go to court to have visitations? 
Sounds like a large headache waiting to happen.  Now please don’t think I’m completely against the idea, I think it could potentially be amazing but if you are suffering from doubts…talk it out!!!  Nothing worse than waking up one morning and realizing the decision you made which you already weren’t 100% okay was a horrible life choice.  
My advice is to let the group know that you’re having second thoughts and maybe with a little more time you may ready but as of now the answer is a big NO.  Also make sure you’re using protection because it only takes one apple to upset the cart, meaning one woman who isn’t using birth control and poof you’re stuck in the love circle because you don’t know if its yours or not.  I suggest you wait and see what the next few months brings before you give a decision. 
Good luck and thanks for the question!

Answer:
By Aarron-
First I would like to say that your question doesn’t have much if anything to do with the swinging lifestyle as most people think of it.
Swinging is primarily a recreational sex activity and rarely goes much farther than close friendships.
What you have going on is more in the the realm of polyamorous relationship.
Even then you are on the extreme end since you are talking about have a large extended family.
It is very common for polyamorous people to help and raise children together.
Usually however a primary set of parents exist (biological, adoptive, or step-parents) and the other members of the relationship act as an extended family, providing assistance in the child-rearing.
To mix parents on a biological level as you are describing is rare.
The legal ramifications can be extreme if ever your group breaks up and custody issues are brought into play.
My advice to you all is to seek a lawyers advice on all of this before you go any farther with things if you decide to do so.

Saying all that… I actually know a family of 4 adults who have done this.
Or I guess it would be more truthful to say I know one of the children very well from a family like that and have met the parents a few times.
The children are all very well adapted, grew up with much love, and turned out to be awesome people.
The ‘parents’ are all still a unit and together as a group live a pretty nice life.
They formed a corporation years ago and made the children the share holders of said corp to insure equality when it came to properties, moneys, etc…
I met the kid when he was about 11 years old.
He was a friend of my son. He is now in his mid 20′s.
Such families can and do exist.
They can be successful.

In an ideal world I personally like the idea.
It seems natural.
Tribal.
The way humans should have been.
That is why males have no idea if they are the biological father to a child in my opinion.
We are pack creatures meant to live in small groups.
Does this work in our modern society however?
It could, but not easily.
Would I do it personally? No.

Besides the seeking advice from a lawyer on possible issues of custody and properties that could arise in the future I would say do a lot of reading and do a lot of thinking before you even seriously consider doing something as you are suggesting.

As for the others in your group… this is not the type of thing that should be majority rules.
This is the type of situation that must be 100% unanimous.

Links of interest:
A section about and for children who are living in a polyamorous life from polyamory online
But What About The Children? from The Polyamorous Misanthrope
Thinking about Children by Valerie White on Loving More
The Polyamory Society Children Educational Branch
Poly Parenting – collection of Articles & Essays about Poly Parenting, mainly from the Polyfamilies website

Books of interest:
Border Sexualities, Border Families in Schools
What Does Polyamory Look Like?: Polydiverse Patterns of Loving and Living in Modern Polyamorous Relationships

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Swinging withdrawals via economic crunch

by on Jan.23, 2011, under Unsorted

Question:

I lost my job a few months ago and had to take a job that requires a 2 hour commute each way with a big pay cut. After such long hours I am very tired and grumpy so am not usually in the mood for sex and that has caused some stress at home. The pay cut has made things tight so we cancelled our AFF membership and can’t afford to go to our local club. My wife is starting to feel pent up and claims she is having swinging withdrawals. We have one close by couple who we can and have played with a few times, but that doesn’t seem to be doing it for her. She wants the excitement of new and she wants me to have the energy and money for it. How should I explain to her that for the time being I just can’t get the energy and I just can’t afford swinging?

Answer: 
By Miranda-
We all know how expensive our lifestyle can be but it doesn’t have to be. 
Now if you’re spending every weekend out dancing and dining then yes things can be a little tight but if you pick one weekend a month so you can treat yourselves then by all means do it.  The economy is down but that doesn’t mean that your swinging adventures have to be. 
If you know a couple well enough or feel comfortable then maybe inquire about sharing hotel rooms or staying at their house.  I hate to say it but if a couple finds you interesting enough they will go the extra mile to make you comfortable…in their beds. 
We have a couple that live two hours away and every time we play we pay only for gas because they lodge us and feed us.  Such a fantastic pair by the way!  Also look for hotel deals on the web or maybe find a on premise club that supplies lodging.  You receive dinner, dancing, flirting, sex, and a bed for usually under a hundred bucks. 
Pick a weekend every two months if you can’t do once a month or maybe look at the things you could do without, tivo or movie rentals?  If there’s a will there’s a way and by golly swingers will find it!
Your wife may just need a night out every so often and to be honest just because our economy has deserted us doesn’t mean we have to miss out on fulfilling our desires.  If you can’t find a way to get out every so often then what is the point to life?  Oh and as for being tired and grumpy that is nothing a little swinging can’t fix.

Answer: 
By Aarron-
Don’t feel alone in the money crunch department.
What I do for a living has been heavily affected by our failed economy also.
Money is tight for me and most of our friends.
We also have cut back on expenses and on expensive outings of the swinging kind this last year and we have both felt like we had swinging withdrawals at certain points.
As Miranda said though… you can find a way.
Downgrading the hotels you usually like to stay in.
Meeting people at off premise social dances instead of the posh clubs.
Visiting the various monthly meet n greets for the lifestyle people in your area. (They are usually free)
Calling up people you know in the lifestyle and organizing your own events that are low cost.
We have been invited out to bars, dinner, museums, camping trips, hiking, boating, mini golf, tennis, cookie exchanges, pot lucks,  sporting events… just to name a few things.
They are often vanilla outing type events, but made up of lifestyle people.
Super fun usually and a great way to meet new couples.

If none of those ideas are plausible for you and you find the swinging lifestyle just has to be put on hold rather than toned down you are going to have to explain it to your wife as a fact of life type thing.
If you seriously can’t afford it then that is just the way it is.
Swinging is fun, but if it starts getting prioritized above basic necessities and bills something is out of whack.
No matter how much we all may enjoy the lifestyle it is still more in the realm of hobby than the realm of necessity.

As for your being tired and grumpy – I agree with Miranda on that too.
It’s nothing a little swinging can’t fix.
You may have to cut back on the long hours many swinging events and dates involve, but some good sexy fun is in general a great cure for grumpy feelings and the energy is usually amazingly available when you get excited.

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