The Swingers Attic

Check Please – Who picks up the tab?

by on Jan.13, 2011, under Dinner & drinks, Lifestyle Etiquette, Newbie Help

Question:
We have went on about half a dozen meet to see if there is chemistry type dinner dates with other couples so far and one thing is really bothering me besides the fact we haven’t found a good match yet.
What is the etiquette on who pays for dinner?
At the end of dinner we always find an awkward silence and my husband ends up offering to pay the bill.
Is this because we have made it awkward by obviously not being interested?
Is there a swinger code that the rejected couple doesn’t offer to split the check?

Answer:
By Miranda-
I can tell you from many dinner dates the best etiquette to have is always split the tab.  If you haven’t hung out with these people and befriended them I will tell you to ALWAYS before you order tell your server, “This is on two checks please.”  It’s simple and easy and saves everyone from an awkward situation in the end. 
I personally don’t care if I come off cheap by not wanting to pay because if you eat and find out you truly aren’t interested the only thing left is to say good night, not pay their tab. 
I also think once you’ve been in the lifestyle a while you’ll come to the conclusion dinner is only dinner and their is absolutely NO obligations.  I stand by my answer in announcing while you order because it really makes the night easier for all.  I totally understand where you are coming from though because I used to feel the same way you do,  awkward. 
Just be the person who calls the shots and split them up before you look down at your feet at the end of dinner. 
Also you mentioned not finding the right couple yet, stick with it you’ll find them, it just may take a lot of dinner dates and I doubt you want to be responsible for paying for all of them.  If you both like a couple and ask for a second date – the next time you meet pay their tab, that to me is good lifestyle dinner etiquette.  Good luck and have fun!

Answer:
By Aarron-
My wife used to always offer to pay the tab or expected me to do so when we first stated out.
Took a few awkward situations and some after dinner discussions to get it to the point that we always say “separate checks.”
We do so before the meal rather than after.
It just makes it simple and nobody has to feel they owe anybody anything.
Once we have become friends with a couple we often offer to pick up the tab, and often get the tab picked up by our friends.
It becomes an established relationship just like any other with the added benefit of sexual fun.
Those first time meeting however are not the time to be offering up the check.
I hate it when others do it because I feel as if they are wishing us to feel obligated.
I don’t wish to pay because I don’t want them feeling that way.

Your question wasn’t really about finding a good match, but you did mention it so I will add this.
If you have gone on half a dozen dates and not found a possible match you are doing something wrong.
I assume you found these couples acceptable visually or you wouldn’t have met in the first place so it stands to reason you should have found someone by now.
Since I don’t have any specific information I can’t really give any advice on why you are not getting past your dinners, but a few common ones are:
1) Misrepresentation in your profile. That includes what you are actually looking for.
2) Overly nervous and making the other couples feel awkward because of it.
3) Having to high of expectations. You are doubtful to find new soul mates on a single dinner date.
4) Dressing poorly. I have seen many people start swinging and they try to dress to impress, but because of being off the market for many years they dress like fools instead. (by some fashion magazines)
5) Drilling your dinner dates on their sexual history or swinging experience. A bit of this talk is fine, but talk about other things too.
6) Avoiding the sex talk because of embarrassment. You do need to talk about it some and try to flirt even if you think your bad at it.

I could make a huge list of possible reasons, but those are some super common ones.
Without knowing your situation I can’t really target in on what is going wrong for you when it comes to finding your match.

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