The Swingers Attic

Erection failure on full swaps

by on Jan.19, 2011, under Insecurities, Newbie Help

Question:
My husband says he likes swinging and talks about swinging constantly.
We have by his request had two FFM threesomes and he has functioned fine under those circumstances.
We also played with an oral only soft swap couple and he was at full mast.
The problem has been with full swapping.
Three different couples over the course of our experimentation with the lifestyle and in each case he has had trouble maintaining his erection for intercourse.
Afterwards he acts like an asshole to me and when questioned says he wasn’t all that into the girl. I know this is a lie because he is extremely into them before it happens and doesn’t get weird until afterwards.
Do you have any ideas what the problem may be?
If so, what can I do to remedy the situation.
I’m frustrated enough to quit because he is taking the fun out of it by being an ass afterwards, but I also don’t want to deal with him sulking over me putting a stop to it all because of his problems.

Answer:
By Miranda-
To be totally honest with you I think your husband is having a difficult time watching you have sex with another man.
Female play and soft swap is truly different than “going all the way.” It sounds like he wants to play but may be experiencing erectile dysfunction due to a full swap.  So maybe step back from full swap for a while and experiment a little more with soft swap. 
I can understand you’re having fun, but if fun comes with the price tag of a grumpy moody husband I would rethink your plans. 
On the subject of him turning into an ass:
I think your husband mentally turns around after a full swap and can’t  cope properly with his feelings so he acts like as you said an “ass.” 
The difficult part of your situation is getting into your husband’s head to find out whats going on.  Men when dealing with feelings of rage, jealousy, and insecurities sometimes lash out and cause an even larger problem by their behavior. 
In order to secure the situation from going from bad to worse full swap should probably be put on the back burner for now.  Maybe stick to FFM or soft swaps just until your husband decides to either try full swap again of until you can find out some answers on his behavior. 
I’d also like to inform you that erectile dysfunction is REALLY common in the lifestyle and I think a little reassurance is in order.  Men often become stressed in the situation that they themselves have asked and  maybe even begged for. 
They think they want something only to find out, “Hey that guy is fucking my wife and boy she is liking it, maybe too much.” 
Now please understand I’m not saying that is your husband’s situation but if he seems really into the woman at first, then only after ”trying” to have sex with them says he wasn’t into them, sounds like that may be it. 
Another possibility is that he  may just get really nervous and not able to perform properly.
Sometimes men become so embarrassed or angry at themselves from having such problems they will blame anyone except themselves.
  If you do continue to full swap it is important to maybe spend a little time playing with your husband along with the other female in order to make him more comfortable. 
Men also sometimes feel nervous about having sex with another man’s wife. 
As you can see, many possibilities exist as to what is messing with your husbands mind.
 I am a firm believer in “communication is KEY!!!!”
  Maybe sitting down, and even if it means dealing with a grumpy husband, discussing the issues before you make mountains out of mole hills. 
The next time you full swap you don’t want or need any drama . Any long term lifestyler will tell you that if there is any underlying issue it will eventually come out…and you don’t want it revealing itself in someone else’s bedroom or hotel room.  Yikes and scary!!!  I think just a small step back could save you both a lot of trouble.  Thanks for the great question and I wish you all the luck.

Answer:
By Aarron-
From how you describe it I would guess the problems arise from your husband not being comfortable with you have intercourse with another man.
If he is functioning fine except in those situations that is most likely the culprit.
It could be simple jealousy, but it could be a few othet things too.
A big possibility is that he has some insecurity issues with his own performance in the first place.
Knowing you are getting (or about to get) sex from another man could be bringing those insecurities to the forefront.
The result is anxiety and stress in such situations.
The lack of his own ability to perform in the situation would just heighten the feelings and in some case a man will strike out afterwards.
That would be a possible cause of him becoming an “ass” as you have put it.
Laying the blame on not being attracted to the other female (when obviously he was) is just another part of that.
It’s all just him being defensive and not being able to talk about it.
Confronting him with questions about his feelings probably wont help if he is lashing out and defensive.
It would be better to slowly coax it out over many days and then talk about it all once it is all in the open.
Until you can do that it would probably be best to either break from swinging or if you find satisfaction from soft swing or the FFM situations, just go with those.
In your question you said the FFM threesomes are “by his request,” so that makes me think maybe they are not your cup of tea.
If you are not having fun playing that way then chill on those too.
Swinging is not about just doing things to appease your partner.
Swinging is about having fun and doing things that give you happy feelings.
It is obvious your husband isn’t having fun when it comes to full swapping, but if you are not having fun in your two girl plus husband threesomes then that is not so hot either.

Step back, get the communication flowing, and get your husband feeling good about it all.
I’m sure he has very conflicting thoughts and emotions over the whole thing.
Something he want’s to do badly is just not turning out to mesh with him.
He will end up either having to give it up or fix what is ailing his mind in the situation.

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