The Swingers Attic

Coming out as swingers to our daughter

by on Feb.23, 2011, under Unsorted

Question:
We have been in the lifestyle for many years and have two teenage children.
Our son who is 17  just found out about what we do because a friend of his at school happens to be the child of some play partners we have and somehow it all got pieced together.
After a serious talk with him all seems to be fine and he doesn’t think anything is wrong with what we like to do for fun.
Through experience we know that eventually he will tell his sister even though he said he wouldn’t. Secrets don’t last long between them.
She is 14 years old and unlike her brother is very judgmental and opinionated. She will not approve.
We have asked a few lifestyle friends who have children that know about their lifestyle choices and received no good advice.
We would rather tell her ourselves than have it come from her brother, but just don’t know how to go about it.
Any ideas would be helpful.

Answer:
By Miranda-
My husband and I have a three year old daughter and I’m the type of parent that believes in honesty at all cost.
When my daughter’s of age to know about our sexuality I fully intend to tell her. Whether she’s the type to judge me or not. The reason being is I want my daughter, even though she may not agree with my sexual life choices to see that everyone beats to a different drummer and there’s no right or wrong when it comes to a lifestyle.
I think even though you’re really nervous about telling her, and because she’s your daughter and you know her reactions and chemical make up to such things, it makes the decision I believe you two have already made, just a bit harder.
You don’t want your son to be the news breaker but who’s to say a friend of hers doesn’t already know…you don’t.
So my advice to you is stick to you heart’s decision and sit down and have the talk even though it may go really badly, and she may be weirded out for a while.
Think of it as giving her something many parent’s NEVER give their children.
1. complete honesty and 2. sexual freedom to make her own choices later down the road about her sexuality without feeling guilty. 
You as her parent’s live a lifestyle where sexual expression isn’t frowned upon but looked at as a better play-date.  
We all forge our children, trying to make them all  they can be, but I think in doing so alot of us forget about the sexually confident child we should be raising as well. 
I’m not an expert on talking to my child about such things yet.
Who knows… when the time comes my daughter may put her hands over her ears and run from the room screaming, but I’d like to think that opening the door to other possible sexual lifestyles may keep her from acting irresponsibly or later on living a sexually repressed life. 
Our society is full of judging and hypocrisy.
Look at that girl shaking her ass on the web…don’t do that!  Do as I say not as I do…what a complete contradiction. 
Show your daughter honesty and prepare to have a sexually confident and honest teenager in the future.  A teenager who can grow up and hopefully treat her children in the same manner you treated her. 
Great child rearing breads great child rearing.  Thank you for the fantastic question, one of the best ones I’ve had the privilege of answering yet.
Thank you!  I wish you luck with your children now and always.   

By Aarron-
Since she is bound to find out anyway through her brother it is obviously time for a sit down and talk session with your daughter.
I can say from experience that even if your child doesn’t agree with your choices they can be understanding.
Besides our three year old I have a grown son (mid twenties) who did not agree with my own way of living and still doesn’t when it comes to his own choices.
His mother was bisexual and had a few girlfriends over the years. At one point we all lived in a triad type situation for a long time.
My son is more of a one on one type that isn’t into such things.
He is a one woman man and holds monogamy as his way of life.
Because we did not hide things from him he grew up to be very tolerant of other peoples choices and we are true friends.
I plan on always being truthful with my daughter in the same way so that we can always share and be true friends besides being just father and daughter.
It saddens me when I see people hiding major components of their lives from those they would like to be truly close with.
My own opinion is that if you have to hide a major aspect of who and what you are from someone it keeps a distancing between you that doesn’t allow for true friendship.
Dealing with teens is sometimes hard.
In my experience I have noticed many of them think that whatever they think is the ONLY way to think. They act like they know everything.
You are not facing a question of if you should talk to her because she either already knows or will soon find out from her brother and the talk is imminent.
It is going to happen no matter what. It’s just up to you as to if you wish to bring it up yourselves or wait for her to do it.
I’d suggest you do it if for no other reason than it will not give her the feeling of being purposely left out of the loop by you.
I don’t have any real advice on how to bring this subject up with your daughter because nobody knows how a teenage girl will act.
All I can do is wish you luck.
“Good luck!”

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4 Comments for this entry

  • Josh

    This is a great question and I really like the responses. Our kids are 5/f and 2/m, and BB and I have spent a lot of time talking about what we should share and when to share it. We do not want our kids to grow up in the same situation that BB did. She felt sinful over liking other women and it took a toll on her.

    We want our kids to be as happy and as free to love as possible. Thanks for addressing the topic.

    As to BB and I, this will probably be part of the big sex talk around 12 or 13.

  • Swingers Attic

    I think your kids will be lucky to be getting a “big sex talk.”
    Nowadays it seems many parents just try to ignore the entire topic and then act surprised when bad choices are made.

    I was very lucky in this particular subject as a child because my parents had open minds and believed in letting their kids ask questions and answering them with truth.
    Miranda wasn’t so lucky.
    No advice or information was given to her and she came from a very closed minded family. The result was bad choices and a lot of guilt.
    Thankfully she has grown and empowered herself in the last few years.

    ~Aarron

  • Lola

    What a great question! There are so many things to consider when choosing to share this part of your life with your children. I actually don’t have any kids, and am very new to the lifestyle, so I really have any advice, per se. My sister has been in the lifestyle for 10+ years and has 3 kids, who I am positive know nothing about their choices. I only know by accident and am the only family member to know. I want to be open about the choices my husband and I are making, but it is difficult when our families are very religious and strongly believe in chastity.

    Anyway, like I said, I don’t really have any advice other than please talk to your daughter! I don’t know how she will react, but I do think it’s better to be the ones to tell her. A year after my mom died (she died in an accident when I was 17), I found out that she’d had a baby out of wedlock and that she had been a bit promiscuous in her younger years. This news devastated me (remember, I grew up thinking sex should be saved til marriage). I felt betrayed and hurt that she hadn’t shared this part of her history with me. I would hate for your daughter to feel this way about you someday, so even though it will be a difficult conversation, please find a way to do it.

    And like Aarron said, Good Luck!

  • Swingers Attic

    We also found out family members happened to be involved in the lifestyle by accident. Actually made us closer family as it created a shared secret from a few other family members who would not understand or approve.
    Sad such secrets must exist.
    I dream of a world that is more tolerant.
    Just another reason to be honest with ones children.
    Can’t expect children to be honest and open minded as adults when parents set an example of lies and secrets.

    ~Aarron

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