The Swingers Attic

Finding balance in picking swinger couples

by on Feb.08, 2011, under Couples Dating, Lifestyle Etiquette

Question:
My husband claims that every time we have swapped partners he has felt like he has gotten the short end of the stick because I always pick couples with good looking men and non attractive women.
He also claims that I never let him pick the couples because he picks couples with very attractive women and I don’t like them. The reality is that the few couples he has picked happen to have completely unattractive males that I can’t even imagine their wives liking. How do we solve this?

Answer:
By Miranda-
I can tell you every couple in the lifestyle deals with this situation on a regular basis.
It seems to me it just takes tons of patience and a lot of hard work to find couples that are equally pleasing to the eyes.
Just think about being bisexual and having to find two people you’re attracted to, and interested in playing with. Just because a woman is willing to play with me doesn’t always mean I am attracted to her.
So back to your question “how do we solve this?” To be one hundred percent honest…You don’t! Its kinda of one in a million shot you’re both going to find both people in a couple attractive. 
My husband and I have learned that sometimes going to meet a couple can really put it in perspective.  For example, we have met couples that the guy is SO funny and out going I didn’t care he looked like baby huewie.  My husband on the other hand has met woman who look absolutely amazing in their pictures to only find that in person they have gained 30 pounds, aged 10 years, and come with attitude.  Not a real turn on!  So really I think its all trial and error. 
You will sometimes find a matching set and other times not.  What one person looks like the other usually makes up for in personality.  If you’re the type of swinger that I call “in it to win it,” you probably need a matching Ken and Barbie. 
My husband and I are not “in it to win it,” and although looks are important in the lifestyle find that half the time we choose couples based on personality and interest and not their physical appearance. 
 Its a journey and in it we find imperfection and frustration but sometimes just meeting up for a drink can change a maybe to a “lets do it!”  Look inside as well as out sometimes there are beautiful things you never expected.

Answer:
By Aarron-
Doesn’t sound like your husband is “taking one for the team” as we say in swinger land, but he is feeling like he is getting the short end of the sick anyway.
I can relate in a way to his situation because we as a couple both have to be into our partners and never “take one for the team, so it limits our playing field so to speak.
For some reason we often end up with couples that include a very handsome, well spoken , athletic male and a pretty good looking but super cool wife.
They make the play grade because I very much put personality above just visuals and I like these women.
I am not sacrificing at all.
We do notice it though.
After a big string of such couples my wife actually did take one for the team without letting me know until afterwards.
She thought it was my turn to have the hottie I guess.
It was a girl I really liked and she new I wanted bad.
It was awesome… until I found out after that she really wasn’t into the guy and was just doing it on my behalf.
I thought it unfair to her and to the guy (even though he didn’t know)
If you are not into “taking one for the team,” and your husband isn’t either then there is no way you will always be sure to have at least one of you getting that perfect sex partner.
It is always going to be a state of compromise at some level.

I only can give you three  bits of advice here.
1) If your husband actually describes these women he is having sex with as “non attractive” then he needs to suck it up and not “take one for the team” for you anymore.
It is not fare to the women involved if nothing else.
2) Make sure your husband has a bit more active role in picking couples.
If he thinks you are the picker then most likely you are being overly demanding in your selections and negating his to abruptly without giving them enough thought.
3) Give these guys with the super sexy wives a chance. When an extremely sexy person seems way more attractive than their spouse it is usually for a good reason. Guy or gal… doesn’t matter.
A super hottie can easily find another super hottie.
That visually mismatched spouse that you “can’t even imagine their wives liking,” probably more than makes up for it in some other way. Maybe he is super smart and charming. Maybe his sense of humor is what makes him attractive. Maybe he is the best dang sex she ever had.
Not to sound rude, but I have had some of the worst sex with the most physically perfect women. It takes more than looking like a centerfold to be good in bed.

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1 Comment for this entry

  • ABCSofswinging

    Great post, and I agree so much with what you suggested in regards to how to approach other couples. I’m in a similar situation as Miranda suggested. I’m married to a hot little red head, and I’m baby huey (LOL), but what most people don’t realize is that she’s not swinging because she’s not attracted to me. We’ve been swinging for 4 years and she’s yet to find anyone that satisfies her sexually as I do. She likes to have sex with that “eye candy” guy, but in most cases those guys think they are studs but fall way short (no pun intended) of myself.

    I think Swinging in general is brutal at times for husbands. The “in it to win it” crowd is actually fairly common at most parties where we swing. But the dirty secret that know one likes to admit in that crowd. Very few of them EVER hook up with anyone. The insecurity about who they are seeing, or who they talk to, or how they look, or how someone else looks is off the chart.

    What is sex really about everyone? Is is winning some prize, personally I won that prize years ago when I married my wife. So define what sex means to you, and then evaluate if the lifestyle meets this definition.

    I like the comment you both made about looking at the situation carefully. If a hot female is with an average looking guy, ask yourself why. Obviously it’s more then his balding hairline or his gut. Hmmmmmm

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