The Swingers Attic

Wife keeps stepping out of bounds

by on Mar.17, 2011, under Unsorted

Question:
We have been playing in the lifestyle for close to a year now and in all respects have had a great time except for one recurrent problem.
My wife has repeatedly stepped outside of our boundaries.
Our rules are simple and we have agreed to them, yet she breaks them constantly.
Every time it happens she promises to not do whatever it was again.
I enjoy the lifestyle so quitting isn’t an option. Have any advice on this one?

Answer: 
By Miranda-
I can understand your wife’s trouble with staying in the boundaries you two have set for each other.  It’s very easy to be in the heat of playing and realize, “Whoops we said we wouldn’t do that!” I personally think a code word or phrase may help you in getting your wife to step back into the boundary circle of your comfort.  I know it may sound silly but a lot of couples have them when on first meet and greets to either end conversing with a couple or to let the your spouse know, “There is no way we are taking them home!”   
Now the trick in coming up with a catch phrase or word is to make it something you normally in the bedroom would NEVER say.  If there’s a word your wife dislike that’s always a good one because it’ll get her attention.  For example, lets say the word your wife can’t stand is cunt.  I only use that one because a lot of woman really dislike it.  So if you’re in the middle of a play-date and you see your wife doing something you’re not comfortable you could say, ” Honey your CUNT is so wet and juicy looking right now.”  This way the couple you’re playing with doesn’t think you’re crazy for crying out “peanut butter sandwich” and your wife can gracefully stop the thing she’s doing that’s not in your game plan.  No harm no foul!  The real key is to make it so secret that you and your wife are the only ones who will notice it.  I’m not saying this is a full proof plan but I think with a little creative thinking it could just possibly work. 
Communication is key and sometimes done better  in stealth mode.  I hope my answer helps and thanks for the fun question.

Answer:
By Aarron-
You never say what type of rules you two have made that she keeps breaking.
I have noticed that one couples idea of simple rules is another couples idea of crazy rules.
If your rules are things like:

  • Don’t text to much
  • Don’t flirt when I’m not in the room
  • Don’t leave me at the table with a strange couple we just met

Or other little things like that I will straight up tell you that minor behavioral rules like those always end up getting broken and if you have rules like that your eventually going to have to ditch them.

If your rules are things like:

  • Don’t fuck without a condom
  • Don’t swallow cum
  • Don’t leave a party with someone else
  • Don’t swing separate

Then you have some big problems if your wife is breaking the rules.
Personally I am not big on having actual rules. I go with more of a gut feeling approach to the swinging lifestyle and figure as long as I keep my primary partners personality in mind I won’t do anything that may piss her off.
On the other hand many couples do need rules.
The problem arises when one (or both) people decide not to obey the agreed upon rules.
There is no way to actually enforce rules in swinging. You can say “No anal sex” and agree, but what happens if someone breaks the rule?
A fight usually ensues and both partners end up losing in the end.
If you wife is repeatedly breaking the rules you only have two options.
1) Stop swinging.
2) Revise your rules.
You already said that stopping with the lifestyle isn’t an option so that leaves you with revising the rules.
I will use anal sex as an example here because it is a common rule to not have anal sex in swinging because many couples chose to save it for between themselves.
You wife agrees to not have anal sex with other men.
She does it anyway.
You fight about it.
She promises to never do it again.
You feel better.
She does it again.
You fight again.
It is endless.
In swinging the slowest moving or less adventuresome partner of a couple usually sets the tone for swinging activities.
Sometimes the faster moving or more adventuresome partner feels overly restrained though and cheats a bit or pushes the slower partner into advancing a bit farther down the path of getting naughty.
That is your situation.
If you won’t stop swinging then your going to have to either allow/condone at least part of whatever it is your wife is doing or continue with having a problem.
Nobody can force their spouse into doing or not doing anything.
We can only ask.
My advice to you is that if she is breaking a few boundaries that really bug you ask only for those boundaries to stay in place.
Let any smaller boundaries go.
It is easier to follow someones wishes if they are few and important.
It is hard to follow the rules if they are many and minuscule.
Prioritize and compromise.

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