The Swingers Attic

Boundary breakers and what to do about them

by on Apr.15, 2011, under Newbie Help, Playing with others, Unsorted

Question:

My husband and I have recently started swinging and it has really spiced our love life back up to full throttle. It’s like when we first started dating.
We have only had a few weird things happen and they have actually been funny.
There is one thing I don’t know how to deal with though.
It seems like every other guy I get with tries to enter me without a condom. Usually they just poke and prod like they are not actually trying anything, but a couple of them have been very blatant about it and pushed for it even after I said no. The reason I am writing you is because last weekend a guy took it upon himself to just stick it in without warning and without a condom. We had been playing around a bit rough during foreplay and he was dominating me so it took a minute to get it through to him that he had to pullout and glove up. We tell people we always use condoms before we ever get to the stripping down and playing so it isn’t like these guys don’t know our boundaries. I need some advice on how to get it through to these guys before hand that I don’t play without a rubber. I also would like to know your opinions on why these guys try when they have been told condoms are required. Thanks.

Answer:
By Miranda-
Okay so the men you’re finding to have sex with are assholes and personally if ANY man tried to enter my palace of worship (my pussy) without an offering (a condom)…I would stop play and walk out the door. 
The problem with this type of man, he is used to shoving his cock in unprotected and having the girl just accept it so my womanly advice for you is…GAME OVER!  If a man pushes his cock into you unprotected stop all play.  It sounds like you and your husband might play separate and if that’s the case you can expect a  man to pull such disrespect.  Sadly some men think, “Hey she’s alone and I can push the envelope of her boundaries,”…wrong!  Stand up for yourself and before play let your playmate know, “I have had men try to enter me unprotected, I find it completely disrespectful and if you do try it I will stop play, no second chances.”
One of the beauties of being a woman is in the bedroom you can generally be as open and honest as you want because lets face it ladies, the men want it and if they don’t abide by the rules won’t get it. 
Please establish a little persona in the bedroom before hand.  Communicate in a firm and commanding way your rules or regulations and empower your inner sexual goddess. 
NO man shall take without permission and no man shall enter unprotected.  The best part about men is you can treat them like children and they rarely ever catch on, “Put a condom on or no sex for you.”  It’s like telling them if they act up in a store then no lollipop reward. 
Now if you and your husband do play in the same room and your playmate crosses the no condom line just get your husbands attention so he can inform the other male if its attempted again play is over so wrap it up or step it down. 
I hope my answer doesn’t come across a little pushy or bitchy but if in life we allow our sexual partners to cross boundaries and take from us our sexual control then what enjoyment do WE get from it?  We are then just animals and all the fighting woman have done over the centuries to unchackle us and empower was done is vain.  I’m not saying this is your case…sorry for that little rant! 
In conclusion, rock your woman power and always give the no sex threat before hand, generally a man will stay within the rules if a negative consequence will follow, and yes some men will call your bluff and in that case close up shop!!!  Always follow through! Good luck to you and rock it girlie rock it!  Thanks for the awesome question.

Answer:
By Aarron-
Your picking some bad partners is my first thought.
There will always be that one guy who tries to do what he shouldn’t, but if the situation you are describing has happened multiple times and you have only just recently started swinging it has to be in part some sort of signal you are giving off.
That doesn’t make it alright. Men should always ask, but if it’s a regular thing then you are in some way making the guys think it may be OK to go bareback.
The reason I say that is because in the swinging world the rule is pretty much that condoms are required unless it is stated otherwise. Swingers assume a condom will be used unless it is agreed otherwise.
Don’t think that makes it all you though… if you didn’t actually say it verbally it doesn’t really matter what kind of signals you may be accidentally putting out there. The men should ask.
You don’t mention swinging separate from your husband, but I am assuming you are not playing in the same room because I just can’t imagine what you described as a multiple time situation happening when your husband is present.
Besides getting pissed and stopping play I would also suggest you mention what these men tried to their wives.
Swinging is based on trust and respect for all parties involved and I doubt all these guys you have had this happen with have the go ahead to bareback from their wives.
I say that because most don’t. In general condoms are the rule.
If these men disrespect you tell their wives. You will be doing the wives a favor.
Besides that my advice to you is to be very clear before hand that condoms are expected for play.
Say it out loud and if in doubt say it twice.
Problem solved and you wont be hurting any-one’s feelings or killing the mood.

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5 Comments for this entry

  • Kitty Stryker

    Um, and obviously GET TESTED, right?? That’s unsafe sex, and not only could she have gotten something already, she may be passing it along (herpes and hpv come to mind!)

    I don’t think it’s so much that she’s sending out a signal. I think that there are a lot of men who think boundary pushing is ok, and will keep at it until you actively prevent them from doing so. I would put down money that because she’s new to swinging they feel they have carte blanche to push her boundaries because she might not know how to stop them.

    We live in a culture that hints “no means yes” and “if it’s not violent or you’re not a stranger than it isn’t rape”. I think saying “NO” very loudly and then if needed actively moving away from them and getting help is important. Having sex without a condom when that is the rule IS rape, legally, and unsafe to boot. Take it seriously, because it only takes one time to get an STI that you’ll have forever.

  • Swingers Attic

    Sexually transmitted infections are one of the reasons I think the wives of these men also need told of their actions. The wives may have no idea of the added risks their husbands are subjecting them to.
    One sexual plus of the swing lifestyle is the mantra clubs teach to newbie swingers. “No means no!” There is very little of the ‘no means yes’ or ‘no means maybe’ mentality in the lifestyle.
    Obviously there are always a few bad apples though.
    Wish I could say there wasn’t, but there is.

    ~Aarron

  • Karen Blue

    Sux that you have had some bad apples! I always play with Miguel right there, so no guy has tried this. I would call “game over” if some guy did. Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself!

  • Swingers

    EXACTLY. No condom=stop play! every time. I think guys just want the feeling of bareback and its more taboo to do it without a condom. as a female, yes, bareback does feel better. but under today’s condition, the hell with that.

    Guys, if we say condom, we mean it. dont lose you place in line. do as requested and be happy with the idea we are still giving our sex to you.

  • John

    From personal experience I have noticed that some swinging groups that stay at two lifestyle hotels in Costa Rica namely Copacabana Desire Hotel http://www.copacabanadesirehotel.com and Hotel Desire Costa Rica http://www.hoteldesirecostarica.com do not at all use condoms.Most groups do use condoms especially the groups from latin america.But some of the United States groups just do not.I always use a condom.If you are involved in a group that does not use condoms then change the group you play with.

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