The Swingers Attic

Archive for May, 2011

Flirty personalities and different environments

by on May.31, 2011, under Insecurities, Newbie Help

Question:
My husband and I have been talking for a while about opening our
relationship. We are both flirty personalities and give each other a
lot of leeway, but have not actually crossed the nonmonagamy line.
We’ve been taking more active steps lately, joining an online
community, doing things on cam online, and last night we went to a
swingers party. He got stimulated by it, I didn’t. I didn’t find it
sexy or erotic at all. He wanted to watch the live action and I felt
panicked, uptight and uncomfortable. How do I break this ice? I can
group flirt, mix and mingle and one on one flirt in vanilla bars and
regular parties. I can even take things a little further- Body shots
and kissing a girl at a pool party. But take me to a “swingers”
environment and my libido takes a rain check.

Worse is I don’t feel able to communicate this to him, so I look like
a complete mess… he watched me at the pool party.

Does this make sense?

Answer:
By Miranda-
I will tell you from personal experience that in group sex situation I don’t get turned on by watching others, besides my husband have sex.
Yes… I watch porn, which is entirely different but when in a “sex party” scenario I find it all to be sensor overload, and not erotic at all.
So I want you to know you’re not alone, and it’s completely normal. Because you haven’t actually swapped and officially entered into “Swingerville,” it’s hard to know how you’ll react when in a situation where you and your husband are having sex with another couple potentially. I definitely applaud you for taking a LARGE jump off a dock and going to a swinger party where there was actual swapping. Please remember also that I have gone to parties and not been turned on by the vibe of the room and also gone to others and because of the type of people and “vibe,” I was really turned on and had a great time.
My advice to you…tell your husband you really didn’t find it as hot and exciting as he did, but that doesn’t mean you will always feel that way.
Maybe try another party or maybe start looking for a couple to make out with or soft swap with. There are plenty of them out there, but you do have to put the time and effort into finding the right fit for you both.
I think it’s great you’re getting out there and exploring options. I also think it’s fantastic you dove into a party, but because it was not erotic maybe you need a little four on four and not a lot of party on party. Watching others have sex live can be a major turn on, but it seems to me you may have just not been at the right party for you.
When Aarron and I go to a local on premise sex club he always wants to walk around and checkout the scene and I get TOTALLY nervous, and as you said “uptight and uncomfortable,” because I find it strange to stand around and just watch people having sex. When we lay down and get into each-other I am able to look around and become aroused by the scene, but We almost got in a huge fight the first time we couldn’t find a place to get busy at because we kept walking around in circles and I felt so insane. It was almost like the game ‘duck duck goose’ but where everyone is having sex and you’re just peeping in on them.
The best part about this is that I DO NOT enjoy watching others have sex, but I ADORE being watched. Yeah figure that one out. I love having a crowd watch me and get off on it completely.
So in conclusion just let your husband know that the scene may not have been right and you’d like to venture and try something else. Communication is key, and without it you shouldn’t swing. Good luck and happy journeys!

Answer:
By Aarron-
First of all I would like to point out that every swingers party, group, scene, etc… is different.
Not just the people themselves, but also how they play and mingle.
You may have just not liked that groups way of playing around. I know I have been to clubs and parties that made me think “Get me the F out of here!”
I have also been to parties that made me feel very playful and in the mood.
In my own area I have learned to avoid certain clubs, cliques of people, and areas because I simply have no interest when I have went to their functions. I have also learned of certain groups that always throw parties to my liking.
Your best bet on that note is to check out some other places to mingle.
I would especially recommend some larger off premise parties.
Usually these types of parties are bar takeovers by groups. Tons of flirting, but no play at the bar. The type of flirty fun you have described enjoying is exactly what you can find at such events.
It is a great way to get to know people with zero pressure, and also find out about other events.
My other thought is that maybe you should try to find a few friends via the online swingers communities you have started using and go out to some places you know you will enjoy.
Not everyone has the same tastes, so sometimes it takes a while to find like minded people in the lifestyle, but it can happen.
As for communicating your feelings to your husband…
That is a must. It sounds like you have interest, but in a different way than he does. That is normal.
It is pretty rare for both partners to be inspired to swing for the same reasons.
My wife and I for example are motivated by completely different reasons and desires. We have however always voiced those thoughts. In the beginning it slowed us down a lot. We did not play the first few times we went to a club for example. It took us a while to figure out what we would both like doing and at what speed.
It then took us even longer to find the perfect people to do it with.
It was worth going slow and making sure everything was just right.
Don’t rush, and don’t go any farther than what is comfortable and fun.

Hope we have helped you mentally sort it all out a bit.
Maybe a few other readers will chime in with their thoughts too.

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Getting the wife motivated to find another woman

by on May.29, 2011, under Newbie Help, Unsorted

Question:

We have been having threesomes with other men for a while now and my wife has expressed interest in trying another woman. She makes no attempt at actually finding a woman though. How do I get her motivated?

Answer:
By Miranda-
I want you to make it as easy on your wife as possible.
Its so easy to tell your husband “Hey I want a woman.”
It isn’t so easy to find the courage to hunt one out when you have never been with one before.
What I want  you to do is take special note of the women your wife sees places that she may say “Wow she is pretty.”   Record their faces in your mind and then spend some time looking at profiles to find women that have similar looks.  Then one night sit your wife down and have a few ready for her to choose from. Then try and make contact with them. Don’t be surprised if many don’t answer. Single women are bombarded with emails on swingers sites.
Playing with another woman for the first time can be very nerve racking, so help walk her through it.  Just telling your wife to look at profiles and find woman, well that’s like asking her to find a needle in a haystack.
Break it down and help her along, because she will feel more comfortable and secure knowing you are there to assist.

Answer:
By Aarron-
A woman who has not been interested in other women until just recently expresses her interest.
Her husband thinks it is great and tells her to go get one for a threesome.
Great idea in theory, but doesn’t work well in real life unless you really luck out.
The woman (your wife in this case) has zero experience and therefore zero knowledge of how to go about finding a female play partner.
You are going to have to work on it together.
My first suggestion will only be a good one if she has more than just a slight interest because it’s an all the way type deal.
The suggestion is this… Ditch the swing scene and the personals sites and hit up the vanilla clubs.
It really isn’t that hard to find a woman who is either bi and wants a couple or curious and wants a fling .
The problem being that once you entice the lady to go home with you it will usually be an intense sexual situation without questions. If your wife is just at the maybe point of being curious it could go bad.
My second suggestion is to consider couples.
Just be honest when contacting them about being in the curious stage and what you want.
The benefit in doing the couple thing via swingers lifestyle sites is that you can lay all your cards on the table and not have so much pressure. Many couples will be more than happy in helping with some woman to woman experimentation.
If you are dead set on a threesome and want a single female who is also in the lifestyle be prepared for a lot of work and a possible long wait.
Bisexual single girls who seek couples and swing are rare. You are in heavy competition.
Meeting such women through personals sites takes a very well written profile, good photos, lots of emails, possible chat sessions, and often a ton of texting. They don’t call them unicorns for nothing.

If you have questions or want to know our opinions on something related to the swinging lifestyle or non monogamy in general you may ask us you questions here.

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