The Swingers Attic

They only want females and double standards

by on May.15, 2011, under Unsorted

Question:
I have been chatting occasionally with a man from LA just for the cam fun and now he is heading to our city for business in a few weeks and wants to get together with us for some fun.
We do play with the occasional single male, but my husband is not comfortable with this guy because on their AdultFriendFinder profile it says they are only seeking women.
The profile does say they can play separately and the man said I could speak with his wife to make sure everything is on the up and up.
What my husband doesn’t like is that the wife doesn’t play with other males in general.
He claims it is probably a control thing the guy has over the wife and that it is a double standard. His actual words went something like “If he doesn’t think it is cool for his wife to have sex with other people then how can you expect him to have any respect for you or even me?”
I have already told the guy that I won’t be seeing him because my husband didn’t like what was said on their profile. I am basically just writing to see what you too may have for opinions on the situation.

Answer:
By Miranda-
I think that the guy may actually be a single or his wife isn’t into playing with other men. I know of swinger females who only want to play with other females because they have their husbands at home and don’t get bi play otherwise.
It’s great you are honoring your husband’s decision because many women would raise a fuss, but it’s really nice to see that your communication is spot on, and you are able to listen to your husband’s concerns and worries and then respect them. I think it’s great you didn’t write saying, “Hey how do I convince my husband to want to meet up with this single guy?”
Married or not, it is a little presumptuous to assume he’s controlling and assume double standards without knowing the guy and his “wife” personally. 
You truly wouldn’t know if the man is disrespectful to you or your husband until you’ve been in the same room and able to chat.  Maybe you two can meet the guy for a drink or coffee, there would be no harm in that. 
You can always get a better feel for people in person, and so maybe that’s an option. 
I understand your husband’s apprehension and think it’s great you two are open and honest in your swinging life.  I have been meeting more and more swingers lately who lack  honesty and open communication.  I think you and your husband have it figured out… your husband isn’t comfortable and so it truly doesn’t matter if this guy is married or not,  completely disrespectful to you or your husband, or the wife just doesn’t play with men (I promise it’s a possibility).   
Your husband has voiced his concerns and you have respected them.  I’m sure he does the same for you and that my dear makes for a beautiful marriage and swinging relationship.   Bravo!!!!  
Thanks for letting me into your lives and for asking for my opinion and not for advice on trickery.

Answer:
By Aarron-
I can see where your husband is coming from with the whole double standards and respect thing.
I can also see where it could be a controlling husband whose wife swings because he wants her to do so and only in the way he wishes. I have actually seen such scenarios played out both in and out of the lifestyle. It is a real possibility.
Your husband worrying about if the guy would respect you because of a double standard is actually a good thing if you think about it. He basically doesn’t want anybody to be your play partner who doesn’t think highly of you.
A guy who wouldn’t let his wife be with another guy, yet wants to have sex with other married women surely isn’t the best sort of play partner for you.
I will skip the possibility of him being a single with a fake profile because you have obviously considered that yourself since talking to the wife via phone was discussed.
Do remember that a female on the other end of a phone doesn’t actually have to be the guys wife. It could very well be that he is single or even a cheating husband who has a female friend that helps him with phone calls.
Then again… he could also be exactly what he says he is, and he happens to be married to a woman that simply has no interest in other males.
For all you know he could be married to a woman who has not much interest in any male including him.
The point is that without meeting both of them you really can’t know what the situation is and you must rely on gut instinct.
In this case your husbands gut instinct is to say no.
You have done the right thing in going along with your husbands wishes and skipping on this possible get together.
Swinging is a team sport. Your both playing on the same team.

Opinions given.
However you slice it, we both think you are spot on with how you handled it.

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4 Comments for this entry

  • Hubman

    One of the possibilities that Aaron raises is exactly the arrangement that Veronica and I have- we both have the freedom to play with others (solo), but she simply chooses not to while I do.

    With that in mind, I don’t see it as a double standard, just a couple with slightly divergent interests. In any case, it’s good to see a couple discuss an issue and respect their partners wishes by NOT seeing someone!

  • Swingers Attic

    I agree it is nice to see such great communication with couples, sometimes it seems people would rather battle and persuade than just respect each others wishes.

    We could easily have an arrangement ourselves like you describe having for yourselves if either of us wanted. It would fit well in our lifestyle. We just really like watching eachother. lol
    There are lots of different ways people take on swinging.
    They are all the right way if they work.

    ~Miranda

  • Karen Blue

    This sounds to me like the guy is in an “open” marriage. I would not have problems with that, but I do have an issue when someone let me think they are a “couple” and then only a single wants to play.

    We do not play with couples who only end up with a single wanting to play. I can find a single guy without problems, why start potential drama in a situation?

    ~Karen

  • Swingers Attic

    Amen to drama free.
    We do all we can to avoid any sort of drama and because of watching out for it pretty much never get involved *knock on wood*
    Get to see a lot of it from the sidelines though.

    ~Aarron

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