The Swingers Attic

Archive for June, 2011

Suggesting the lifestyle to a girlfriend

by on Jun.29, 2011, under Newbie Help, Unsorted

Question:

I have a bit of a catch 22 here. I would like to get into the life
style, but that is hard when I a single male, and when I suggest going
to a party to my girl friend I soon find myself single again.

That has happened twice now.
Any thing to help this?

Answer:
By Miranda-
I suggest you get into the lifestyle as a single male.  I think because you’re totally committed to the idea of becoming a participant in the lifestyle it may be best if you start off on your own and work yourself up to maybe finding a single women already playing in the lifestyle.
I think it’s important for you to do this because attempting to draw women into a relationship that you eventually turn around and suggest, “Hey baby let’s play with other people,” apparently is a bit scary for these little fawns.  Some women are able to have that openness in a new relationship but most won’t.
For example, Aarron and I have been together eight years and married four and it wasn’t until a couple years ago that I was ready to take the very intimate road to swinging.
It’s a larger commitment than you think to begin this venture and so these women aren’t even telling you they think you’re insane, they’re saying they aren’t ready and you have no right to ask them so soon.
I can’t speak for these women of course so I really don’t know how they feel, but I’ll tell you that if you’re getting into these relationships with hopes you’ll get them into the swinging sack you need to re evaluate your need for a serious girlfriend.
I just answered another single male question on how to approach a women’s husband at a social meet and greet, please read that and maybe begin researching where in your area you can participate.
I wish you the best of luck and hope you enter your next relationship with the intent of   developing an intimate connection built on trust and love and with NO other agenda.  It sometimes takes years (we know couples who didn’t start swinging until their 15 wedding anniversaries) to develop the type of relationship that can withstand the pressure and stress the lifestyle can sometimes present.  Don’t take swinging lightly and don’t assume it’s just sex and games.  A well formed relationship must be established in which to survive and thrive in the lifestyle.  The reason these women are running for the hills isn’t because you’re sexual desires freak them out, they’re running because the trust and commitment of the relationship hasn’t been formed before you turned on the red light.  Thank you so much for your question.

Answer:
By Aarron-
Not sure how long you have had these girlfriends before asking them to swing, so I am just going with the assumption of a year or less each.
First of all, building trust and a real partnership is very important before diving into swinging when it comes to most women. Security is what lets them go to that place in a world that calls the activity taboo.
You must remember that women live in a world where it is considered bad by the majority to have multiple sex partners. They are called sluts, whores, skanks, etc… all in a nasty manner for even having just 7 or 8 sexual lifetime partners. They are taught it devalues them. To be secure enough to jump into swinging most women need a partner they know will not judge them in that manner and who will stay with and support them.
With such a partner many women find the world of swinging an enlightening and empowering experience.
How women are viewed by the general masses when it comes to sexual activities is the very reason there are so few single women in swinging compared to single men.
Men are not judged in such ways.
So… How to suggest going to a swingers party for the first time…
If you have a girlfriend now and have not spoken about swinging to her, but wish to do so my suggestion is going slow.
Bring up swinging and other forms of nonmonogamy in ways that keep it outside of your own relationship.
Maybe talk about related news events, surveys, movies, etc…
This will get the ball rolling in the right direction and let you know where she stands on the subject.
If after a few weeks of this all seems cool, slowly start adding in suggestions as hypothetical type situations. Don’t rush it.
Women don’t want to feel pushed or rushed.
Eventually you can get to good fantasy play.
Once you have those bits in place (her views from discussions+fantasy talk) give it some more time before starting in with the “I would like to do that for real,” type talk. Once you start with that I suggest not doing it very much. A tiny mention twice in a month can keep it in her mind and let her build her own ideas on the subject. A mention every other day could make her think your just pushing her and that she isn’t enough for you.
If she doesn’t end up wanting to try it out in that way then it most likely isn’t a good idea anyway.
Scenario two is that you have a new girlfriend or are between girlfriends currently.
In this case my advice would be different.
You are not connected with this girl yet. No actual bonds or commitments exist.
In the same way as I mentioned above get the topic out there in the open.
Start a dialog from something related. News, TV characters, music, art, etc…
In this scenario however once that dialog has been started you should just jump in with your viewpoints.
Let it be known from the start that you think the idea of swinging is cool.
You are not a real couple yet, so there isn’t any huge pressure. It lays your cards on the table so the women knows what she will be getting into if she gets into a serious relationship with you.
Many will “run for the hills,” as Miranda said, but that is not a bad thing if becoming part of the lifestyle is a necessity for you.
It is better to just get it out there right away than spend months forming a relationship your not going to have success with or not be content with.
As for Miranda’s idea of finding a single woman who is already in the swingers lifestyle, best bet if your single at the the moment is to go that direction.
It wont be easy, but it does happen. We have met many couples who originally met as singles through lifestyle clubs and websites.
Good luck to you.

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How to make a move as a single guy

by on Jun.26, 2011, under Lifestyle Etiquette, Newbie Help

Question:

Hi, I am a single guy who is very interested in the lifestyle. I have a girlfriend “just friends”, who is bisexual and we have been going to swingers socials together. She has no problems meeting people, but as soon as people find out we don’t play as a teem I get ignored or shut out completely. I’m attractive and women flirt with me, and even introduce me to their husbands as a single guy. I assume that is the permission phase. It is at this point I always get shut out. The husbands of these women don’t want anything to do with me. I’ve had no luck at all. If you could give some advice on how to close the deal with a husband it would help me out a lot. Tips on how to approach a woman at socials would be great too. For instance you. What would be the best way for me to approach you and end up with a phone number or email? Possibly a date?

Answer:
By Miranda-
Being a single male in the lifestyle is one of the hardest things.  The job you have to do to get well known and trusted is a job of shear dedication and determination.  You have to come across confident but not TOO confident, you must be available for most parties even if you aren’t feeling up for it that night and you have the responsibility to get into the ring of husband’s good graces without being too good lookin, cocky, overly charming, witty or ego threatening.
I don’t want to tell you that if the husband’s of all these swinger women are instantly dismissing you that you’re coming off as one of those things I have stated above but it’s probably true.  If you’re in the good graces of the women…so what, because you haven’t entered into business negotiations with their husbands yet.
You need to play it cool, not come across as desperate or too eager and remember once you befriend the husband…you’re in!  Women are simple, if you aren’t a complete moron or creeper and  you compliment them, tell them how sexy and exciting they are … you just caught yourself a lady, but you can’t walk up to the men and do that so here are a couple pointers.
1. Keep your hands outside your pockets and visible so the men can see you have nothing to hide.
2.  Always make eye contact even if they already don’t seem interested and
3. Don’t talk like a salesmen (men don’t want to be sold on a guy to fuck their wife).  They want a man who’ll come play openly, safely and in the end go home and wait to be called.
I also suggest only talking to couples when they’re standing together.  When a wife brings you over to meet her husband the last thing you want her husband thinking is, “We can’t take this puppy home.”  You want to introduce yourself to both of them and then hang around for a couple minutes then casually dismiss yourself.
If they’re interested they’ll both keep you talking and if they aren’t they’ll let you leave.  Some couples need an introduction, time to think about things, and then they’ll come FIND you at the end of the night.
Also you just need about three couples to find you as a legit, fun, safe and non threatening and you’re in.  You’ll be invited to parties BECAUSE you’re a single guy and you’ll have more play-dates than you know that to do with.
If you were to come on to me at a party… I don’t and Aarron doesn’t want you walking up to me and start flirting even before he’s met you.  So always remember respect and limit your flirting until you’re sure you have a chance with the husband.  I hope I’ve been of some help and I wish you the best of luck on your journeys into the lifestyle.

Answer:
By Aarron-
Miranda answered that one so well I almost don’t have anything to say about the subject.
I will put a slight spin on a few things she said though, and point out to our readers that swingers social are off premise parties. These are parties meant to socialize and hook up, but no sex takes place at the party itself.
Things may sometimes work differently at an on premise party because people are looking for instant gratification.
First, flirting with the a wife who is away from her husband is fine and dandy at parties, but if you are looking to hook up it will lessen your chances if you have not already met the husband in most cases. You must remember that swinging is a couples sport and the couple is a team.
Also you must keep in mind that single men are not always just their for the wife.
Bringing that extra man in is just as often a desire of the husband because many men enjoy watching their wife having sex.
However you slice it though, it is the couples choice together and single men are a dime a dozen. Your job is to win them both over.
As for Miranda’s statement about three legit couples and your in, that’s true.
Once you have a few couples who are active in any certain swinger circles, cliques, groups, whatever, who have played with you and found you a good time who didn’t do anything stupid you will find yourself in swinger heaven.
That however is one reason your having trouble. Many couples only play with single guys they meet through other couples. It is a filter to keep away the drama and problems that can arise.
Swingers talk amongst each other a lot. They share the good stories and the bad.
Currently you are not a story at all. Be sure that you become a good one and you will eventually be overflowing with opportunities.

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