The Swingers Attic

How to make a move as a single guy

by on Jun.26, 2011, under Lifestyle Etiquette, Newbie Help


Hi, I am a single guy who is very interested in the lifestyle. I have a girlfriend “just friends”, who is bisexual and we have been going to swingers socials together. She has no problems meeting people, but as soon as people find out we don’t play as a teem I get ignored or shut out completely. I’m attractive and women flirt with me, and even introduce me to their husbands as a single guy. I assume that is the permission phase. It is at this point I always get shut out. The husbands of these women don’t want anything to do with me. I’ve had no luck at all. If you could give some advice on how to close the deal with a husband it would help me out a lot. Tips on how to approach a woman at socials would be great too. For instance you. What would be the best way for me to approach you and end up with a phone number or email? Possibly a date?

By Miranda-
Being a single male in the lifestyle is one of the hardest things.  The job you have to do to get well known and trusted is a job of shear dedication and determination.  You have to come across confident but not TOO confident, you must be available for most parties even if you aren’t feeling up for it that night and you have the responsibility to get into the ring of husband’s good graces without being too good lookin, cocky, overly charming, witty or ego threatening.
I don’t want to tell you that if the husband’s of all these swinger women are instantly dismissing you that you’re coming off as one of those things I have stated above but it’s probably true.  If you’re in the good graces of the women…so what, because you haven’t entered into business negotiations with their husbands yet.
You need to play it cool, not come across as desperate or too eager and remember once you befriend the husband…you’re in!  Women are simple, if you aren’t a complete moron or creeper and  you compliment them, tell them how sexy and exciting they are … you just caught yourself a lady, but you can’t walk up to the men and do that so here are a couple pointers.
1. Keep your hands outside your pockets and visible so the men can see you have nothing to hide.
2.  Always make eye contact even if they already don’t seem interested and
3. Don’t talk like a salesmen (men don’t want to be sold on a guy to fuck their wife).  They want a man who’ll come play openly, safely and in the end go home and wait to be called.
I also suggest only talking to couples when they’re standing together.  When a wife brings you over to meet her husband the last thing you want her husband thinking is, “We can’t take this puppy home.”  You want to introduce yourself to both of them and then hang around for a couple minutes then casually dismiss yourself.
If they’re interested they’ll both keep you talking and if they aren’t they’ll let you leave.  Some couples need an introduction, time to think about things, and then they’ll come FIND you at the end of the night.
Also you just need about three couples to find you as a legit, fun, safe and non threatening and you’re in.  You’ll be invited to parties BECAUSE you’re a single guy and you’ll have more play-dates than you know that to do with.
If you were to come on to me at a party… I don’t and Aarron doesn’t want you walking up to me and start flirting even before he’s met you.  So always remember respect and limit your flirting until you’re sure you have a chance with the husband.  I hope I’ve been of some help and I wish you the best of luck on your journeys into the lifestyle.

By Aarron-
Miranda answered that one so well I almost don’t have anything to say about the subject.
I will put a slight spin on a few things she said though, and point out to our readers that swingers social are off premise parties. These are parties meant to socialize and hook up, but no sex takes place at the party itself.
Things may sometimes work differently at an on premise party because people are looking for instant gratification.
First, flirting with the a wife who is away from her husband is fine and dandy at parties, but if you are looking to hook up it will lessen your chances if you have not already met the husband in most cases. You must remember that swinging is a couples sport and the couple is a team.
Also you must keep in mind that single men are not always just their for the wife.
Bringing that extra man in is just as often a desire of the husband because many men enjoy watching their wife having sex.
However you slice it though, it is the couples choice together and single men are a dime a dozen. Your job is to win them both over.
As for Miranda’s statement about three legit couples and your in, that’s true.
Once you have a few couples who are active in any certain swinger circles, cliques, groups, whatever, who have played with you and found you a good time who didn’t do anything stupid you will find yourself in swinger heaven.
That however is one reason your having trouble. Many couples only play with single guys they meet through other couples. It is a filter to keep away the drama and problems that can arise.
Swingers talk amongst each other a lot. They share the good stories and the bad.
Currently you are not a story at all. Be sure that you become a good one and you will eventually be overflowing with opportunities.

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1 Comment for this entry

  • Karen Blue

    I loved Miranda’s answer! Be available, introduce yourself, and then let them find you. I can’t tell you how many times we have picked up a single guy at a swinging party. It is almost always Miguel’s intention to get a single girl or couple, but it just didn’t click so a single guy that is available is always a nice thing to find!

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