The Swingers Attic

Not liking my wife being an insatiable flirt

by on Jun.07, 2011, under Newbie Help, Unsorted

Question:

We have been in the lifestyle for about a year now and everything has gone great except that my wife has progressed from a well mannered, proper acting woman into an insatiable flirt. I found her changes fun at first, but she no longer keeps her flirting reserved for the swing club. The last few months she has brought her new found lusty attitude into our vanilla life and people have been making comments. She also constantly asks me if I would like to have sex with our vanilla friends. I would like to get her to stop trying to bring our secret lifestyle into our vanilla life. The few times I have said anything about it we have ended up arguing. We rarely argue about anything. My worries are mostly about what people will think of us. She says it shouldn’t matter what people think because if they don’t like how she acts they are prudes.

Answer:
By Miranda-
Your wife sounds like a fun flirty firecracker!!!  I love it!
I understand your concern, and by no means do I think your wife should out you to your “vanilla” friends, but I do think a little flirting in moderation isn’t a problem.
I know that when I came into the lifestyle I found immense sexual freedom and expression,  so it was difficult for me in my day to day life not let everyone know about it by shouting at the top of my lungs, “I love having sex with strangers, watching my husband fuck other women, and oh yeah look at me I’m bi-sexual!!!!”
I found swinging to be my relief from stress, and like most vanillas who spend 4 o’clock on Fridays at Applebees happy hour indulging on half price chicken wings and margaritas, I was spending my let your hair down time, sucking cock and taking names.
I truly believe from how you’re describing your wife that she feels a sense of freedom she’s never felt before and wants to share it even if it isn’t intentional with the entire planet.
I can’t blame her, and either can you, after all she’s probably one hot momma who deserves to feel sexy, happy, healthy and loved.  I understand your frustration, and maybe just letting her know you care what people think isn’t the right convincing tool.
I would maybe try things like, “Honey I know that you love to flirt with our vanilla friends ,but I really love our super hero alter ego and don’t want to share it with our not so fun vanilla friends.”  Tell her it makes you feel naughty to have this secret, and when she’s open and sometimes a little over flirtatious you’re worried your friends will catch on, and you don’t want to share the intimate and beautiful other life you have created with just her.  This may sound a bit sappy for a man to be saying, but believe me when I say… once she realizes you’re not wanting a connection to be broken, she’ll maybe see you aren’t just worried about what people think.
I can’t guarantee this is the answer but swinging is all about connection and building on that connection.  If she feels a chain will potentially be broken with her behavior she may tone it down or stop all together.
Take it slow and don’t come at your wife with, “you make us look this way or that way.” Instead come at her with  “I love the bond and connection we have shared and created with the lifestyle, but I feel like you’re not honoring that connection when I tell you what you’re doing is truly bothering me.”  Let her know how special swinging is for you, and although it may be her personality to voice your new sexual adventures, it is not yours because its a very intimate thing for your relationship and you don’t think others “deserve to know.”  I truly wish you luck, but I’ll tell you its hard to catch a wild pony, especially one who loves to run!!!!

Answer:
By Aarron-
First I would like to say that it does matter what people think of you even if they are prudes when it comes to your every day life.
I am a big believer that those who can be out as swingers should be, but most can’t.
Very few people are in a good situation to be out about the lifestyle. Prejudices abound, and being out will affect every aspect of your life.
Your fears are well founded.
With that said… I must say that a bit of flirting in the vanilla world isn’t a bad thing.
Many people are huge flirts that have no intention of taking it any farther than a bit of sexy innuendos and fantasy talk.
Non swingers don’t often assume other people are swingers so usually will take flirting as nothing more than playful banter.
In that aspect I agree with your wife when she says it shouldn’t matter what people think.
Let them think she is a flirt. As long as it doesn’t go past that point you really have nothing to worry about.
My wife is a huge flirt, and because she finds it fun, I rather enjoy it.
When she has fun and feels good I find life much more pleasant than when she is down.
Swinging opens the mind up to new possibilities. There is no way to stop that.
Your wife’s mind has been opened and she likes it. Let her know all the problems you would face if your hobby became known so that she will be sure to keep that in mind, and then just let her do her thing.
As for the subject of her asking you if you would like to have sex with vanilla friends… I think that is fine too.
Those very same vanilla friends probably look at you and think sexy thoughts they can never voice.
Consider yourself lucky that your relationship has evolved to a stage that allows you to check someone out and tell your wife what you really think.
Just talking about such things between yourselves causes no problems.
On the other hand, if she is actually wishing to pursue these non swinger friends you may end up with some problems.
Introducing non swingers to the lifestyle often can lead you right back to the position of being outed.
If your wife’s intentions are to actually seduce your vanilla friends then my only advice is to proceed with great caution.

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