The Swingers Attic

Do I have a right to be concerned?

by on Jul.19, 2011, under Lifestyle Etiquette, Newbie Help

Question:

Background Info: I am a bisexual male (which I revealed to my wife
before we began dating). Overall she’s been supportive in those
instances where I may need to “go out.” Most times this “outting” is
preempted by her and arrangements have been made without my
knowledge…a “gift/reward” of such. Even with this “arrangement”, our
sex life is pretty on target though she is sexually more advanced in
some areas. We have even enjoyed encounters with single men
before…but it was always mutual

Here’s the situation: She has a male co-worker who is married. In a
brief passing conversation, he stated, “I swing.” Which prompts
dialogue between he and my wife the next day (she wanted to know what
he meant, whether he was speaking figuratively or not). When she
informed of this, I gave her my support (I’m guessing she didn’t tell
him about my ‘other’ side). He asked her, when were the three of us
going to get together? I didn’t feel he was sincere and informed my
wife that I thought the offer of the “three” of us was a ploy to get
to her.

Since that moment, they have been engaging in sexual conversations and
he has invited her to stay with him for a week (he says his wife was
okay with it…I haven’t met her).

She appears to be a little more “connected” with him than I feel is
appropriate and have voiced these concerns with her. So being new to
all of this, I told her that the three of us should sit down and talk
before things go further, to which she recently informed me that he
“respectively declined.”

My questions are: Do I have a right to be concerned? Is it okay for me
to feel as though he is disrespecting me as her husband? What role
should she play during this “negotiation” phase?
Are there any “rules” for married swing solo?

Though, I am trying to be supportive and had no intentions of joining
in, I feel as though I am being overlooked.
I am at my wits end. Any advice you can provide would be greatly
appreciated.
Thanks.

Answer:
By Miranda-
I think first and foremost if you feel uncomfortable with the situation your wife should 100% respect that regardless of what “gifts” she has given you in the past. Like you said, these arrangements were made by your wife, and in-turn the arrangement between you and her co worker should be just the same.
I say this only because your wife has already set the tone for the “arrangements” situation.
I would also say that because your wife’s co worker “respectfully declined,” I would guess this male isn’t to be trusted and has a hidden agenda and in my personal opinion. I would also like to connect you with the fact that having your wife become sexually involved with a co worker is probably a HORRIBLE idea. This isn’t a situation where we have two single people, we have two people who are married to other people, and it just takes one person to over hear them talking to cause a problem. Also, let’s say that your wife and this man have a falling out… what is to stop either one of them from talking to a boss, and causing problems. Potentially even termination for the other…Yikes!!!
I understand your wife is excited and I think it’s great you two are open in your relationship for separate play, but I think your feelings on the matter are being overlooked. You and your wife need to sit down and have the talk of, “Honey I’m 100% not okay with you playing with this guy who won’t even come and talk with me, to make me comfortable in the situation.” I think your wife hasn’t thought about the consequences this may take on your marriage.
I can tell you’re at your wits end, and I can also tell you’ve probably been beating a dead horse to your wife, but communication is key. If she’s not willing to listen wholeheartedly to your concerns then I believe you probably shouldn’t be playing with others until that changes. A true intimate connection must be established so that each person in the relationship feels comfortable about coming to the other with their concerns. Please make it a point to once again let your wife know your concerns and point out that this male probably isn’t an honest scout and shouldn’t even be an option as a playmate do to his lack of disregard for your concerns. I wish you the very best in solving this situation and encourage you to truly follow your heart in this matter. I hope I’m of some help.

Answer:
By Aarron-
Yes you have a right to be concerned.
You should certainly feel as though he is disrespecting you as her husband because when “respectively declined” he pretty much showed that he was either considering you a chump or that his being in the lifestyle is a bunch of crap he told your wife.
Any married man who is in the lifestyle would think nothing of sitting down to dinner with you and your wife if he was planning on taking your wife off for a week.
Honestly I can’t imagine any married male in swinging to even think of taking a married woman off without her husband for a week unless it had been discussed between all three.
Just from that I would think him a sneaky liar with ulterior motives. I’d also bet he is lying to your wife about many things, and most likely his wife too.
There is of course the small chance I am wrong on that, but since he “respectively declined” you can’t know for sure.
My advice here is either to nip this whole situation in the bud or ask your wife to set up a dinner date with all 4 of you.
Yes… his wife too. If they are swingers (as he claims) then his wife should have no problem agreeing to a dinner date considering the scenario.
As for your last question about if there any “rules” for married and swinging solo… Most couples who play sperate do have rules, but they differ from couple to couple.
Very common ones are that each partner has veto powers over the others choice in playmates, must check in, must meet the prospective playmates first, can’t play with another single more than X times, nobody from vanilla life, safe sex only.
Please note that I said these are some common ones, not that they are THE rules. Some people have a ton of rules while others have none. Most people who are long term lifestyle players just use common sense and keep their partners wishes/feelings in mind rather than actually have hard set rules.

Best of luck either getting it sorted or putting a stop to it before it becomes a huge mess.

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