The Swingers Attic

Archive for August, 2011

Responding to a woman’s personal ad

by on Aug.28, 2011, under Lifestyle Etiquette, Newbie Help

Question:

Hi! I would like to know what would be a good example in responding to
a woman’s swinger ad who is just looking for a no strings
relationship? What should I say? How are you, are you looking for a
friend to hang out, whether it’s sexual or not. Something like that. I
don’t want to say anything rude, but yet interesting enough to get her
to respond to me.

Answer:
By Miranda-
I personally would just get the ball rolling with telling the women about yourself and your wants and desires.  I think being straight forward and letting a potential partner know where you stand first and foremost is very important.  Remember that the female isn’t looking for any “strings attached,” so make sure to specify that if you aren’t either.  Tell her a little about your back ground in the lifestyle even if it’s minimal experience.
I’m a firm believer that a strong sexual relationship can exist as just that, and nothing more, if honesty is the base from which it’s made.  If you have concerns of whether she’s married or not or in another relationship of any sort make sure to ask these questions, because I hate to say it, but these people exist in the world of swinging.  Men or women who are unfaithful to their spouse with people from the swinger community and sometimes these lifestylers don’t know about the spouse.  Don’t be shy about asking questions if she’s put off by them you shouldn’t want to swing with her anyway.
Anyone who is in the lifestyle and seeking a playmate should also be upfront with you and answer your questions as well.
After you give a little bit of your background tell the women you are looking forward to hearing from her if she finds you appealing and then leave it at that.  Short sweet and to the point!
You have now been honest about your background, you asked a question or two for her to respond to, and you put the ball in her court so she can then respond and get back to you.  If she doesn’t respond, she wasn’t interested and you should move on and not recontact.  Women are fickle creatures sometimes and your, “Hey just making sure you didn’t forget me,” reminder e-mails could potentially get her to think she’s got a stalker on her hands which is no good.  Last thing you need is to show up at a meet and greet one day, run into her, and she tells all her friends about how you wouldn’t stop contacting her (even if you did just write her twice).  Now if your going to converse on the phone instead of e-mail or text just stick to the same principal I have given you.  Remember that honesty and a true interest for someone can go a long way.  I wish you the very best and hope you land yourself a lady playmate!

Answer:
By Aarron-
I am in agreement with what my wife said about keeping things “Short sweet and to the point.”
I’m also on track with her saying to be honest about your background, ask a question or two to give her a reason to respond, and then leave it at that.
There is more to it however. She being a female just assumes things, while I being a male have a different perspective.
I’d say 95% plus of single males who have written us/her over the years have had their email discarded within seconds of opening it.
Top reasons for that are these.
1) A single sentence email like “Hey, you are hot.” or something like “Wan’t to chat sometime?”
Sorry guys, that ain’t gonna get you anyplace.
2) Crude emails. Opening a conversation with your detailed descriptions of sexual acts you wish to perform is not in good taste.
3) Being to cocky in your email. If you need to tell a woman how awesome you think you are, you are probably not anything close to awesome. That act may work on a naive 21 year old girl  who is new to the bar scene, but it won’t work on a lifestyler. They know better.
4) Sending the cock shots. WTF are you thinking? If a woman wants to see your cock she will ask. If your sending a picture along with an email make sure your face is included.
5) If the woman is married (most are on a swinging site) do not ignore the existence of her husband. There is a good chance he is actually the one who will see your email first anyway. Ignore his existence and they will ignore your email.

So, basically what you want to do is NOT do any of the above.
Be polite, flirtatious, to the point, and leave at least one open ended question for the woman to answer so she doesn’t have to think up something to write about if she is interested.

A word on profiles.
First thing is… Read her profile well before writing her. Read it well and pay attention.
Second thing is to make sure your own profile is well written and appealing.
If she is interested in your email she will check your profile before writing you.
Think of it as an attachment to your email. Same rules apply.
Hope we have been of help.

Of possible of interest to you would be a post from just a few days ago from a poly woman asking about finding males. It may give a different perspective on the whole thing. – Finding a single male who is in the lifestyle.
Better yet is this post from Nov 10th concerning a couple seeking advice on finding single males. Looking at things from the reverse angle teaches us a lot. -
Finding single men for swinging.
Since I am suggesting old posts, I think this post on The proper order of pictures for your profile would be good. I used a female in the photo examples, but the rules apply for all.

ask swinging questions about the lifestyle and get answers from a swinging couple
Have a question? – Just ask!

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Finding a single male who is in the lifestyle

by on Aug.20, 2011, under Newbie Help, Unsorted

Question:

My situation is that I am in a polyamorous relationship and there are
just way to many times that I get to sit out while they play so we came
up with the idea of me finding a playmate. My question is where can I
find a single male to play with a single female that is in the
lifestyle?

Answer:
By Miranda-
Single men in the lifestyle are simple.  I suggest you start an account on on a lifestyle site and include you’re only looking for “single” men for playdates and include also you’re in a polyamorous relationship and potentially want playdates with your significant others as well.  Seeking out single men in the lifestyle is like as easy as picking out candy in a candy store.  They over saturate  the lifestyle sites and once they know you’re interested SOME won’t leave you alone. I wish to add to show caution because some “single” men aren’t single they’re married sometimes and fooling around on their wives…YUCK!!!
I know what my single men reading this are thinking, “Well that’s not me, you’re giving us single guys a bad wrap Miranda!”  I want my readers to know that not ALL single men you find on lifestyle sites are dishonest, and I love there are men I can beckon at will to fulfill my sexual fantasies.  Just show caution is what I am saying. Ask questions and be aware of what’s out there.
Also I suggest bringing your partners with you to meet the men for the first time, I always say security in numbers.  I think as single women in this day and age we think, “Hey I’m strong and empowered and can handle any situation on my own,” but when it  comes to meeting strangers from the web, I say better safe than sorry.  Never give these men your address to have them meet you at your house for the first time, and as for phone numbers… if you have a male partner give out his number so that the single man can call and chat with him first.  If he makes it past the security of your male partner then give him your number.  Always meet at a public place and never let him walk you to his car.  Yes I know you ALL think I’m nuts right now, but I’m a person that likes to cover all her bases so bare with me.  A lot of beginners in the lifestlye end up in horrible situations and don’t last in the lifestyle due to one terrible situation, so I’m here to try and be a voice of caution.  Last but not least take your time to find a single male friend. Don’t rush or settle.  There truly are hundreds of them out there, and if you begin talking to to people who are already in the lifestyle you will find the recommended single men are usually the best to start with.  Meaning the men that have a fantastic reputaion in the lifestyle already are best to start with rather than those who just signed on to a site and haven’t much experience outside the vanilla world.  I wish you luck on your search and thank you kindly for your question.

Answer:
By Aarron-
I didn’t think we would ever get a question on here about how to find a solo guy in general. How to pick from the zillions of guys wanting yes. How to find certain types for certain things sure, but just to find a single guy who is in the lifestyle?
To start with, if you want to be bombarded with men who would be interested in a woman who is in a poly relationship I would suggest AdultFriendFinder -aka- AFF. Be very specific in your profile if you sign up on AFF because you will get more emails than you can read as a female seeking a male for play on this site. Most of the single guys on AFF want to play in the lifestyle and some actually do.
If you want it a bit more mellow and don’t want to be literally bombarded you may wish to try Swing Lifestyle. Not as hectic as AFF and you will have less won’t take no for an answer types too.
AFF has a ton more people on it though.
If you don’t have time for dealing with all of that you could try Lifestyle Lounge – aka – LL.
LL is my personal favorite site. It is not even close to as busy as AFF, but it has way less in the way of time wasters, fakes, picture collectors, etc… than any other lifestyle site I have tried.
Another option is to create free profiles and state that you are wishing to go to some meet and greets.
As a female you will have no problems getting invites and once you go to one and people meet you in person they will most likely invite you to more.
At a meet and greet you get the chance to just relax and meet others in a no pressure environment.
Since you state that you are in a polyamorous relationship you will most likely find such gatherings very comfortable.

On the chance that we have read your question a bit wrong… I would also suggest that if you are just seeking play partners in general to also consider either the male half of couples who play separately or possibly consider couples in general. I will go with the assumption from how you worded your question that you are only interested in men. You should know that many couples who both identify as being straight still seek out females for play.
Good luck, and I hope we answered your question.

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