The Swingers Attic

Responding to a woman’s personal ad

by on Aug.28, 2011, under Lifestyle Etiquette, Newbie Help

Question:

Hi! I would like to know what would be a good example in responding to
a woman’s swinger ad who is just looking for a no strings
relationship? What should I say? How are you, are you looking for a
friend to hang out, whether it’s sexual or not. Something like that. I
don’t want to say anything rude, but yet interesting enough to get her
to respond to me.

Answer:
By Miranda-
I personally would just get the ball rolling with telling the women about yourself and your wants and desires.  I think being straight forward and letting a potential partner know where you stand first and foremost is very important.  Remember that the female isn’t looking for any “strings attached,” so make sure to specify that if you aren’t either.  Tell her a little about your back ground in the lifestyle even if it’s minimal experience.
I’m a firm believer that a strong sexual relationship can exist as just that, and nothing more, if honesty is the base from which it’s made.  If you have concerns of whether she’s married or not or in another relationship of any sort make sure to ask these questions, because I hate to say it, but these people exist in the world of swinging.  Men or women who are unfaithful to their spouse with people from the swinger community and sometimes these lifestylers don’t know about the spouse.  Don’t be shy about asking questions if she’s put off by them you shouldn’t want to swing with her anyway.
Anyone who is in the lifestyle and seeking a playmate should also be upfront with you and answer your questions as well.
After you give a little bit of your background tell the women you are looking forward to hearing from her if she finds you appealing and then leave it at that.  Short sweet and to the point!
You have now been honest about your background, you asked a question or two for her to respond to, and you put the ball in her court so she can then respond and get back to you.  If she doesn’t respond, she wasn’t interested and you should move on and not recontact.  Women are fickle creatures sometimes and your, “Hey just making sure you didn’t forget me,” reminder e-mails could potentially get her to think she’s got a stalker on her hands which is no good.  Last thing you need is to show up at a meet and greet one day, run into her, and she tells all her friends about how you wouldn’t stop contacting her (even if you did just write her twice).  Now if your going to converse on the phone instead of e-mail or text just stick to the same principal I have given you.  Remember that honesty and a true interest for someone can go a long way.  I wish you the very best and hope you land yourself a lady playmate!

Answer:
By Aarron-
I am in agreement with what my wife said about keeping things “Short sweet and to the point.”
I’m also on track with her saying to be honest about your background, ask a question or two to give her a reason to respond, and then leave it at that.
There is more to it however. She being a female just assumes things, while I being a male have a different perspective.
I’d say 95% plus of single males who have written us/her over the years have had their email discarded within seconds of opening it.
Top reasons for that are these.
1) A single sentence email like “Hey, you are hot.” or something like “Wan’t to chat sometime?”
Sorry guys, that ain’t gonna get you anyplace.
2) Crude emails. Opening a conversation with your detailed descriptions of sexual acts you wish to perform is not in good taste.
3) Being to cocky in your email. If you need to tell a woman how awesome you think you are, you are probably not anything close to awesome. That act may work on a naive 21 year old girl  who is new to the bar scene, but it won’t work on a lifestyler. They know better.
4) Sending the cock shots. WTF are you thinking? If a woman wants to see your cock she will ask. If your sending a picture along with an email make sure your face is included.
5) If the woman is married (most are on a swinging site) do not ignore the existence of her husband. There is a good chance he is actually the one who will see your email first anyway. Ignore his existence and they will ignore your email.

So, basically what you want to do is NOT do any of the above.
Be polite, flirtatious, to the point, and leave at least one open ended question for the woman to answer so she doesn’t have to think up something to write about if she is interested.

A word on profiles.
First thing is… Read her profile well before writing her. Read it well and pay attention.
Second thing is to make sure your own profile is well written and appealing.
If she is interested in your email she will check your profile before writing you.
Think of it as an attachment to your email. Same rules apply.
Hope we have been of help.

Of possible of interest to you would be a post from just a few days ago from a poly woman asking about finding males. It may give a different perspective on the whole thing. – Finding a single male who is in the lifestyle.
Better yet is this post from Nov 10th concerning a couple seeking advice on finding single males. Looking at things from the reverse angle teaches us a lot. -
Finding single men for swinging.
Since I am suggesting old posts, I think this post on The proper order of pictures for your profile would be good. I used a female in the photo examples, but the rules apply for all.

ask swinging questions about the lifestyle and get answers from a swinging couple
Have a question? – Just ask!

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