The Swingers Attic

Dinner with the new and nervous

by on Sep.03, 2011, under Dinner & drinks


We always liked meeting new couples for dinner and drinks, but over the last year I have gotten where I am not like meeting newbies because they always ask the same questions and tell the same stories. How long have you been doing this, who thought of it first, we have been talking about it for umpteen years, etc.
I get irritated and if the couple acts shy and nervous I even start being a bitch. Can’t help it. Especially if the guy is trying to act the macho man and the woman is sitting in silent fear.
These types of dates used to be one of my favorite things about the lifestyle besides the sex itself. My husband says I need to step back and remember being new and nervous myself, but I just can’t seem to sympathize. I don’t like clubs and I am not a party girl so these dates are the only way we have to meet new people.
Not sure what exactly my question even is, but any advice you two have would be nice.

By Miranda-
I can completely understand where you’re coming from, but I can honestly say that Aarron and I, even when we were new to the whole lifestyle, didn’t ask those questions.
We had them asked to us from experienced swingers.  I think it’s important to remember that the small talk of a swinger isn’t “Wow the weather is just fabulous this afternoon,” and other such statement of nothingness. Swinger small talk consists of  “So how long have you been in the lifestyle and who’s idea was it??”  I know it’s repetitious and can totally become a complete drag, but I feel as if it is always part of the swinger dating game.
My advice on the topic is this, try texting, instant messaging, or talking on the phone with these newbies about these things first to get them out of the way so that way your dates can be filled with more socializing conversation that you’re interested in.  After all, the swinger small talk isn’t something that gets Aarron or I turned on.  We in most instances end up talking until restaurants are closing before we ask the couple back to our hotel room.  We chat about lifestyle experiences, but for the most part we converse about our own lives, comparing personalities and humor.  These things are sexual turn ons for us because we’re the type of swingers that want friends and not just a one time roll in the hay.  We love going places with our swinger friends in family situations (examples the zoo, movies, Saturday markets).  So the next time you two decide to get together with a new couple find out all the silly trivial small talk prior to meeting up. That way you’re more comfortable and other things can be discussed.
As for the macho man and quiet wife syndrome, I think that’s a fantastic way to notice you don’t like the couple, lol.  Cut things short, heck go to coffee so you aren’t committed to a long first meeting.  Or take your first meeting to a fun water park or miniature golf so there is a different focus and the swinger small talk isn’t just that…zzzzzzzz!!!  Meeting with new to the lifestyle swinger couples doesn’t have to be an up close and personal drink or dinner, mix it up.  Just like everything else in life, routine can ruin anything that once was fun.  Thank you for letting me voice my opinions, I hope they may help.

By Aarron-
It can get monotonous sometimes. Going to new and interesting places is one way to change it up.
I am not so sure about the water-park idea, *cough cough* (my wife can be a nut) but we have met people at some interesting places. Aquariums, Seattle Center, markets, etc…
We have also invited new/nervous couples along on vanilla outings with other swinger couples. Get four already in the lifestyle couples and a couple singles all heading to a street fair and a new (just checking it out) couple or two together and you end up having a great vanilla day with a lot of innuendos and fun flirting. Very little or no boring talk is involved. We all head to lunch together and then the chat is controlled by the group dynamic. Fun stuff.
Many new couples however may be leery of such a meeting, so if you are going to do the dinner date thing or cocktails, you are going to get the lifestyle grilling. Just try and remember that these questions will put them at ease. Their stories of how they reached the point of contemplating non-monogamy are part of their journey. They don’t need to know you have heard the same story with different dates and names 10 times. They just want confirmation that you are listening and that what they are contemplating is a good choice for them. Your husband is right… you need to step back and remember being in that moment of decision. For most people the decision to take the plunge and follow through with it is a huge one. I would guess it was for you too.
The same thing goes with the shy and nervous couples. They are out of their comfort zone and desperately hoping the people sitting across from them will throw them a life preserver. That is you. They want to be comfortable. They want to take the plunge. They are rightfully nervous.
Your description of the “macho man” and his wife sitting in silent fear is pretty funny to me.
On our very first dinner date with another couple I was pretty well behaved. We could not have played with them though because all four of us had time restrictions. It was just a meet and see type thing.
On our second ever dinner date I froze up. I was the shy and nervous one. My wife was the talkative, flirtatious, confident acting one while I had no idea what to say.
Anyways, my advice is to follow your husbands advice, maybe seek a few venues to meet up at that you haven’t tried before, and to possibly take more control of the conversations themselves. It isn’t hard to lead a conversation in a new direction if you are not enjoying it.
Good luck.
I promise if we ever meet up and have dinner I wont ask you all those pesky questions.

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2 Comments for this entry

  • Josh

    The reasons those questions come up is that the answers are often interesting. Everyone knows that there is a common interest and, “So what led to you guys wanting to fuck other people?” is a great ice breaker.

    If submitter does not like the conversation, then I would propose that she control the subjects and stay away from the newbies. Those guys are restocking the pond for everyone, and should be shown as fun a time as possible.

    Aarron – First date we went on with strangers, I totally froze up to the point of where I would shoegaze to talk. Luckily the couple we were with were experienced and nice enough to get me back on track, and an excellent night was had by all.

  • Swingers Attic

    I think back to our first few dates and recall my nervous behavior with a smile.
    Love the “restocking the pond” phrase, and will use it in the future. It fits perfectly. Most couples who enter the lifestyle don’t play forever, and without new couples the pond would be very lonely for people like me.


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