The Swingers Attic

Is it wrong to wish to expose her to swinging?

by on Dec.05, 2011, under Insecurities, Newbie Help

Question:

Hi. I used to watch a lot of pornography before ( I don’t watch as
much anymore). But I’ve been with my girlfriend for a real long time
now and I’ve told her everything from my porn obsession to wanting to
participate in a swinger experience. I’m the only man she has ever
slept with, but she’s not my first. We’ve talked about it a lot and
she liked the idea of being apart of a swinger experience. Since we
are newbies we’ve only been doing voyeurism. We went to a swinger club
twice and we just had sex with each other but it was hard for me to
stay hard because I just wanted to masturbate to other couples having
sex (I realized then that from watching so much porn, it’s a habit to
masturbate from watching other people have sex). Now I want to watch
my girlfriend have sex with another man. And she’s pretty enthusiastic
about it too. But I feel guilty because I feel like that’s something a
first boyfriend shouldn’t do. As if I’m giving her away. Or corrupting
her. I would try to justify it as its a good experience for her
because she gets to sleep with other men(because we’ll probably be
together for ever). So it’s her way of getting her share of experience
too, without it being infidelity. Should I go forward with my fantasy?
Is it wrong for a girl whose’s only been with one man to start
swinging? Sometimes I think that swingers go into the lifestyle after
they’ve had their fair share of partners. Oh and we’ve never swung
before. I would love to hear your opinion. Interpret it as you wish.

Answer:
By Miranda-
I think it’s totally fine for you to want to watch your girlfriend be with another man and just masturbate to the experience. I also think it’s fantastic you’re willing to share the experience with your girlfriend who isn’t as sexually experienced as yourself.
Please remember to always communicate if there is something outside of your comfort zone and to watch her back. Just because you’re having an awesome time jerking off doesn’t mean your girlfriend is. Although she may be excited to have sex with another man now, she may during the actual experience clam up or feel totally awful about it but doesn’t want to say anything.
Listen to her reasons to things and pay close attention to her facial cues. Never assume that just because you’re into something your partner is too. Fantasy is WAY different than reality my friend. I also want to add that your’re only “corrupting” you girlfriend if you yourself believe your fantasy is morally wrong and have to “talk” her into it or you want her to go against what she believes is the truth of human sexuality.
To me it’s completely natural, but try to tell a preacher’s daughter that…corruption is then had! I wish you the very best entering the lifestyle and hope I was able to give you positive feedback. Thanks for sharing yourselves (no pun intended), have fun and play safe.

Answer:
By Aarron-
I can be a bit of a voyeur myself, but only if I know the people involved personally so your desire to watch your girlfriend seems completely fine to me.
As for the if it is wrong part… If she is enthusiastic about it then heck no it isn’t wrong.
We all start out with zero partners, then have just one, and then more. The course to get from point A to point B is always a bit different.
I personally think it is kinda cool that she will get to explore such things with a first boyfriend. Many women I have know are filled with hangups about their sexuality and full of guilt from first boyfriends who went the opposite way and filled their minds with shame and insecurities because of personal jealousies.
As long as you are both really into the idea, you both communicate well, and you both keep each others feelings and wishes in mind I would personally consider it a great chance to possibly have a fabulous adventure.

Extra note here:
I have met many couples who have entered the lifestyle because they never had other experiences before marriage. Curiosity about others is a strong motivator. Some of these couples play just a few times and are done, while others become long term swingers. Some go slow, and some go fast. It isn’t for everyone, but it is very common to find couples where one or both have had only one sex partner before. Many regular lifestylers shy away from such couples because it is more possible for such situations to end in emotional drama. Some seek out such couples because they think of it as a sort of virginity and get an extra bit of spice from being the first. I myself neither avoid or seek out such couples, but I have become wary because their truly is a higher possibility of drama. Usually the drama could have been avoided if the said couple had communicated with each other better beforehand.
That was my way of saying “talk everything over big time before taking the plunge.”
Good luck.

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3 Comments for this entry

  • WeekBiWeek

    Huh. I was my spouse’s first — and he was not mine — and we often joke about my “corrupting” him, but I never actually thought that I was doing that. He enjoys what we do, and he lets me know when he doesn’t like something.

    As ever, I appreciate the advice here. Communication really is key. It doesn’t matter whether a person has been with many others or just one before exploring something like swinging; openly communicating is huge.

  • Josh

    Just to expand on what Aarron said in his follow up. When my wife and I started swinging, we had been with each other for 10 years. I had had 3 other sexual partners, she had had 0. We talked about things for 7 months before we jumped in. In the past 2 years, she’s had about two dozen sexual partners.

    The 7 months of talking and reassuring and considering each other’s feelings was the best thing we could have done. Keep talking about it, and once you are comfortable with the fact that you are going to watch your partner get fucked, then go through with it, not one moment sooner though.

    P.S. From my perspective it’s totally awesome watching my partner get fucked and I highly recommend it. Plus the sex afterwards is 100 times better than normal sex. Just communicate any fears or jealousy issues you may feel. Also, if you like what you see, make sure to communicate that as well. Have fun, that’s the most important part.

  • Swingers Attic

    WeekBiWeek & Josh, Thank you for adding your thoughts on the importance of communication. I have seen things go wrong so many times for lack of communication between a couple both before and after their first few experiences.
    It is also great that you both are examples of couples where on of you had not had any other partners before hand.
    We ourselves had many partners each before meeting each other so our opinions on the subject come from observance and interaction with others.
    Personally I think first hand accounts count for more when it comes to setting someones mind at ease.

    ~Aarron

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