The Swingers Attic

Would exploring help me enjoy my wife more?

by on Jan.30, 2012, under Unsorted

Question:

My wife is very conservative in her sexuality, and unfortunately, it
gets a it boring for me. Lately I’ve taken to masturbating also when
we make love. Needless to say, I’ve been fantasizing quite alot and
masturbating alone more. So my question is, would exploring group sex
with others (perhaps with male and female couple) help me enjoy my
wife more? She’s definitely not into it, so I would be doing it on my
own. If you think this could help, how do I procede to find partners?

Answer:
By Miranda-
Okay so you should probably let your very conservative wife know that you’re bored with her and wish to pursue sex elsewhere.
If you plan on doing this behind your wife’s back…shame on you because somehow I truly don’t see your wife who in the first sentence of your question you call VERY conservative being okay with you sleeping with other people.
Now with that being said, if by chance you have spoken to your wife about such things then YES sometimes it helps couples kindle an old flame by having both or just one person of a couple take up the lifestyle. They sometimes take the situations home with them so in the bedroom they can verbally retell their sexual adventures which in turn arouses the other.
Now if you’re just looking to come home and have sex with your wife while thinking of the other sexual adventure and not share it with her or have her even know you are swinging, then NO it’s probably a really poor idea.
I don’t mean to be sound so judgmental and if your wife knows you’re thinking about taking up the lifestyle then fantastic, but you said you have been masturbating alone more and when you said you would be “doing it on my own,” it kind of sends up a red flag that your wife doesn’t know.
But if she does know I do apologize for any accusations.
Now in finding partners, all you need to do is find a swinger site such as Adult Friend Finder, join the site and create a profile. The rest is easy, just wait for inquiries and hope that as a single male you get chosen for play dates. Single men get a bad rap in the lifestyle because some men are dishonest about their profiles and also there are TONS of you out there, so the market tends to be over saturated. If you can make a good honest name for yourself in the swinger community you truly have it set because most single men are referred by other couples to other couples. So it would almost like building a clientele. I wish you the best on your journeys and hope you and your wife are able to get the passions of love flowing again openly and honestly. Hope you have a wonderful Valentines Day.

Answer:
By Aarron-
From the wording of your question I too think it sounds like cheating rather than swinging.
They are two different things entirely.
I will however skip the lecture and go with the assumption that you have spoken to your wife and she has given you her blessings because she is conservative in bed, but open minded in other ways.
Yes it will spice things up in most cases. It can completely reinvigorate some people even.
As Miranda said… making some profiles will do the trick, but only if you do it well. The swingers websites are full of single men seeking no strings sex. Couples have plenty to choose from, but still it is hard for couples to find single playing men because many are rude, don’t understand the swingers mentalities, don’t play by couples rules well, flake out, or are simply not very attractive in general when it comes to appearance, dress, attitude, or manners.
To be successful playing single as a male you must have an entire package worth the couples time.
The males who do succeed at this are very sought after.
Another option is to attend meet and greets.
These are off premise (no sex) meetings held at bars, restaurants, coffee shops, etc… depending on your area where pretty much anybody can show up.
There are usually a few such regular gatherings in every major city and often a monthly such meet up in most smaller cities.
Finding them without knowing people is the hardest part.
Some are advertised in groups on sites while others are strictly word of mouth.

Here are a few previous Swingers Attic Topics that may help you in your endeavors.
Responding to a woman’s personal ad
That one is for obvious reasons.
Finding single men for swinging
A question from the other side… a couple asking about finding single men.
The proper order of the pictures for your profile
I used a female for the pictures, but let me assure you that if you don’t do the photo thing correctly as a male wishing to play alone that you WILL fail. As a male wishing the attention of couples and maybe single females you must have a well put together profile and that includes good photos. Don’t be another idiot with a cock shot and a blocked out face who wonders why the gals are not filling their inbox with requests for sex.
Solo And Traveling
My vanilla bar pickup advice at the end also kinda applies to meet and greets.
I am assuming you are out of practice in the pick up arena since you have been married long enough to be having the types of issues you have portrayed.

For a site to check out (it really depends on your area as to how busy a site is) I would most likely suggest SwingLifeStyle because of what you are seeking.
My wife mention AFF, but the single male ratio on that site is super high so I’m going with SwingLifeStyle.

Lastly, your wife may not be as conservative as you think.
I’ve unwrapped the package of many a conservative woman over the years to find that I had unleashed a beast.
Humans are animals. We all crave unless something is wrong or broken in us.
Your wife most likely has desires and fantasies too, even if she isn’t willing to discuss them or maybe even admit it. They may not be of a group sex sort, but they exist.

I hate recommending this book simply because of the title, but I have read it and it is pretty on spot with a lot of things.
It is short, cheesy, filled with a lot of obvious things, but it also has the key ingredients to bring a woman over if you have the patience and desire.
Getting Your Wife Or Girlfriend To Become A Swinger
This next one I haven’t read, but I know someone who has and they said it was worth the read.
Also the second review listed on amazon is by a well known swingers lifestyle blogger and she liked it, so that is something.
How To Turn Your Wife Into a Swinger

Good Luck!

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4 Comments for this entry

  • WeekBiWeek

    I hope you don’t mind my adding a couple extra cents on the “my wife is conservative” part, but this irritates me when I see it.

    I’ll first acknowledge that I don’t know the couple’s sexual history or experiences. I don’t know what they’ve tried, what he wants to do, what she says “No” to, so I do acknowledge that I am ignorant and will try not to rant too much.

    That said, a lot of “sexually adventurous” activities require much more work on the wife than on the husband. So many “wild ideas” include things like:
    - lingerie, in which the woman alone has to wear outfits that may or may not flatter and try to model them enticingly for a man who has to do nothing.
    - stripping/exotic dancing, in which the woman has to come up with interesting performances for a man who gets to sit there.
    - anal sex (and many couples only think of penetrating the woman, not the man), in which the woman has to deal with the cleaning, the potential pain of it not being introduced well, and the psychological weirdness of this taboo action and that her vagina isn’t appealing enough, while the man just enters an orifice an inch or so away from where he normally does.
    - FFM/FMF threesomes, in which the woman has to share her male parter and possibly challenge her sexuality.

    So, I may be way off base, but I do repeatedly see men complaining that their GFs/wives are not nearly as “adventurous” as they are, when they (the men) introduce ideas like those above (often abruptly, and without further discussion) and get rejected. Cheating is certainly not the solution, and even swinging might not be… not if there is not a lot of good communication and compromise already going on. When a husband wants to explore something alone because his wife is “boring,” that makes me wonder just how much communication is in the relationship.

    Again, apologies for all the assumptions made here; maybe I’m way off base. But I think that more BFs/husbands would benefit by sharing fantasies with their partners and opening discussion first, before looking for the solution elsewhere.

  • Fruit Taster

    I usually find Miranda and Aarron’s answers complete, but in this case I feel compelled to add a few thoughts.

    Since your question is about enjoying your wife more, I take it as meaning that if your more adventurous sexual needs are taken care of by someone else, you hope that you’ll have less expectation on your wife to raise her level of sexuality to meet yours. That may or may not happen like that, and it’s entirely dependent on the strenghts of your emotional relationship with her.

    As Miranda and Aarron point out, your letter unfortunately sounds like you’re asking for a free pass to have sex with other people behind your wife’s back. If that’s the case then you should definitely step back and talk to her about sexual needs, both yours and hers. The relationship you have with her belongs to both of you. So instead of unilaterally deciding something, the key is to talk with her and figure it out with her.

    If on the other hand you’ve already talked, or you’re wondering about the possibilities before you do, the answer I think is still the same. You can only figure this out by talking together, and if she agrees to give it a try, by testing the waters and seeing what it does to your relationship, step by step. It’s not something you do on your own and she’s supposed to be oblivious to it. The odds are she will have feelings about it, and if you’re going to make it work, her feelings and needs have to be taken into account as much as yours. Even if you’re the only one having sex with other people, it’s still something you do together because you both have a say as well as the same ultimate interest, which is to be happy together.

  • Swingers Attic

    We always love it when people give their opinions, insight, and advice as it shows different perspectives and can only add to an answer.

    It is often hard to really know where a person is coming from in a question without having a full background and it is easy to make assumptions.
    We try and look at things from multiple directions before answering, but really it is impossible to cover every angle without knowing people in person.

    Thank you both.
    These are great and helpful comments.

    ~Aarron

  • Male Strength

    Tread lightly my friend…It sounds like there may be some more issues involved in the situation. I think if you stir up the chemistry in general in the relationship the sex will follow. From my personal experience, slowly pushing the boundaries a step at a time has gotten me a mile down the road…

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