The Swingers Attic

Open to it and wanting to make him happy

by on Jan.20, 2012, under Newbie Help

Question:

My husband has recently told me he is interested in swinging. He is
open to anything. I, however, am having a difficult time processing
the whole thing. I understand that he loves me and me only. I
understand that he doesn’t associate sex with love. I want to make him
happy and be open to it but I am not sure how to start the process.
Are there any suggestions or articles that you could recommend? Or
steps to follow to help me understand his side and to help him
understand my side?

Answer:
By Miranda-
I think it’s wonderful that you want to please your husband and potentially start swinging, and bravo for seeking advice, articles, and embracing suggestions with an open heart. It takes a very special person to listen to their spouse’s desire to participate in the lifestyle, research and take advice then decide from there.
I could spend most of my time giving you my opinion on whether you should take the plunge or not, but do I truly know the security in your relationship…no. I know nothing about your marriage, your sex life or your personal beliefs.
Now if you had asked, “Hey Miranda and Aarron my husband wants to start swinging and so would I but I’m on the fence about it and can’t decide,” well I would have said, “Oh just give it a try, he wants to, you want to…remember to openly communicate and have fun, be safe. That’s not how you addressed your situation though. You said you want to make him happy and be open to it but don’t know how to start the process.
First you need to talk talk talk about it to your husband, hammer it out and then just when you think you know if you want to try it…hammer it out again. Weigh the pros and cons, and yes there are both, and remember unless you’re able to openly communicate to each other then swinging isn’t for you.
There will be amazing highs from the experience and possibly amazing lows.
I do love that you accept that your husband isn’t associating sex with love or vise versa. The lifestyle adds so many fun things into your life, a secret identity that you and your husband know about and it definitely brings back sexy, for you and your husband.
Also swinging gives you a social network that is SOOOOO much more open, liberal and accepting than any other social group I’ve ever been in.
I think you need time to think about joining in the fun, I think you should process it a bit more and also just get online and create a profile on a swinger site so you can see what’s available to you. You never even have to meet anyone if you so choose but at least you’ll have a glimpse of the community and maybe even go to a local meet and greet. That’s when a bunch of swingers meet at a community hall, restaurant, bar, etc. and there are other places as well, they talk, socialize or exchange numbers or profile handles and…that’s it, no hanky panky. One of the best parts about people and couples is that EVERYONE is different so they have different beliefs, boundaries and expectations for friendship or lack there of. Some couples only play if they become friends with you while others just want the naughty stuff and don’t want to go to the zoo with your families for the weekend. It truly is a whole different way of thinking and in my life has opened me up to feel sexually liberated and free.
I wish you luck in your journey and thank you for your inquiry. I hope I’ve helped a bit or at least given you a feeling of comfort to in the end do what your heart truly tells you. Thanks again and I hope you two have a great Valentines Day.

Answer:
By Aarron-
Miranda I think covered the personal thoughts section on your question very well so rather than just give my spin on the same stuff I will skip it and just give some resources.
First of I would suggest reading as many of the questions and answers as you can here on the Swingers Attic. A lot of what is here deals with problems and worries people may have or must sometimes deal with in the swinging lifestyle.
Problems do almost always arise when swinging. Don’t let that scare you overly much though because I could say the same thing about pretty much any social activity or recreational activity that involves human interaction.

Next I would suggest a few books.
I’m linking them via Amazon, but they are all very popular books so should also be available at your favorite large booksellers.
The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures
The Ethical slut is not about swinging. It covers many forms of non-monogamy, but it is very relevant for people considering the swinging lifestyle.
Swinging for Beginners: An Introduction to the Lifestyle (Revised Edition)
Swinging for beginners is not an extremely in depth read, but it is a good primer for those interested in possibly joining the lifestyle.
Recreational Sex : An Insider’s Guide to the Swinging Lifestyle
This one is a bit dated, but it is also pretty informative.

Next I would suggest checking out some of these blogs that include real life swinging adventures in them.
You will find by doing so that swingers vary greatly.

Next I would suggest setting up a profile or two on some swingers social network sites.
You may specifically state that you are just checking it out and are not wishing to be contacted currently.
Do make a proper profile though and feel free to write people. Some will ignore, some may be rude, some will however be helpful and inviting.
You may find events listed on these sites that are good for just checking things out too.
Off premise events and bar takeovers are great because you can mingle without pressure.
Nothing can happen at them (usually) so you need not think people will be expecting sex or anything like that.
On premise parties on the other hand can be a bit intimidating. House parties vary, but usually they are more pushy than an undecided person would like.
For a networking site that has an active forum filled with information I would suggest Lifestyle Lounge.
I must say that Lifestyle Lounge is definitely the place when it comes to learning, and once fully immersed in swinging it often becomes the favorite site for people too, but it isn’t the place for the fast dive. For meeting lots and lots of people a mega site is better. AdultFriendFinder is probably the biggest still. It is not a good place to get a feeling about swingers or what swingers are like though.
Hope some of what I mentioned sounds interesting and helps you in your quest for knowledge and understanding.

I have only two bits of advice that I am going to share. One is that you should never start swinging just to make your partner happy. You say want to be open to it and that is great, but after researching and a lot of discussion if you decide to dip your toe into the waters or even just dive right in… make sure it is equally for you.
The second thing is to remember that the slower moving partner always sets the pace. Never feel pushed or rushed and expect to have your wishes in such things respected.

 

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