The Swingers Attic

Libido gone after the baby and depression sets in

by on Feb.16, 2012, under Unsorted

Question:

My wife was always a very sexual person until we had our baby. She was even very sexual while pregnant. After having our daughter she had no interest in sex and it hasn’t returned. She says she doesn’t feel sexy, but I think she is sexy and no matter what she isn’t in the mood. She has postpartum depression too. I am starting to get depressed from it and may end up losing my job because of poor performance. Our daughter is 16 months old.
Until she got pregnant we had been adventurous had been going to nudist parks and had started to swing a little. She says she is too tired to go out and doesn’t feel like her after baby body is desirable. I would like to reignite our sex life and get back to the nudist parks and swingers clubs someday. I think it would be good for her depression to have fun again. Any advice on how to make her feel sexy and take an interest in sex again would help.

Answer:
By Miranda-
I’m a pro at postpartum depression considering I too had it after having our daughter. My advice to you is start getting her into some mommy groups where she can talk with other mom’s and feel like she has a voice again.
When I had postpartum I could have cared less about sex and more about keeping my child alive. Now your daughter is 16 months and you feel a need for a sex life again, but getting her active and out there with other moms is gonna help her feel a sense of herself and in turn maybe feeling sexier in the bedroom. Get your wife out doors to walk with the baby so she can get some fresh air, exercise which will give her a little endorphin boost and also give you two some family time.
Having postpartum and dealing with a baby body is a major bummer. Take it from someone who gained 65 lbs while pregnant and the week before I gave birth my 5 foot 2 frame was caring a whopping 195 lbs. Talk about hard to function!!!!!
After having my daughter I began having postpartum symptoms and about a month in and didn’t seek help for another 3 months. I began going to a postpartum class, seeing a counselor, walking with the women and getting out regularly. I know I’m talking a lot about being a mom and not getting your wife feeling sexy, but the two go hand in hand. Until your wife feels good about herself she isn’t going to feel good about any nudist park or swinger club.
You do need to be proactive for her though and although you’re finding yourself in a slupt it’s important to get her moving!!!!
Also make sure you’re understanding of the time she seeks for herself.
When you have a 16 month old climbing on you all day the last thing you want is your husband climbing on you if you’ve still got the baby blues. If she is seeming overwhelmed ask to watch the baby while she takes a bath, or if she has a hobby ask her if she’d like to do it…baby free.
Also because your daughter is now 16 months and your wife is still down and out maybe look into a counselor. Your wife may just need a little push into the positive image department by talking things out with someone who isn’t expecting things from her. A mother and wife wants to please everyone but if her needs aren’t being met she can’t help…ANYONE!!! Self care is what makes your wife be able to take care of your kiddo fully, clean the house and take care of your wants and desires. If you take the wheel for a while and guide her to get out there and experience adulthood again in a mommy manner she’ll later want to go experience it in a “adult” manner.
I hope I’ve helped a little and given you a couple ideas. I wish you luck in concurring your own depression so you can help your wife. In time all things work themselves out and just remember your daughter won’t be 16 months forever and one day you and your wife will be so excited to meet for a nooner because your daughter’s in school. Everything is so overwhelming in the present sometimes especially raising kids.

Answer:
By Aarron-
This is the first time I have had a question come in here on the Swingers Attic that I really can’t offer any sort of help or advice at all that I am sure would be worth a damn.
As Miranda said… she suffered with some pretty bad postpartum depression after having our own daughter.
She wasn’t a happy pregnant gal, and didn’t adjust easy afterwards.
I am a bit obsessive and I read extremely fast so spent about $500 on books to “help” and learned that people who write books about helping with postpartum depression are ass-hats.
She ended up in multiple baby groups and sought counseling too. That all helped, but it was still a slow climb out that caused a lot of personal issues and tension between us.
I then wasted about the same amount on books to help fix/repair our relationship. Turns out the people who write those types of books are mostly ass-hats too. (though I did find a half dozen or so decent ones)
I would like to say that you just need to be supportive, helpful, and patient until she climbs out of it because that is pretty much all you can do, but truth is I really don’t know.
Being supportive, helpful, and patient won’t hurt anything though… so that is what I am going with.
Until she is feeling confident and her inner joy starts to shine I would guess that swing clubs and nudist parks are not the best thing for you two.
As for you becoming depressed over it… I understand that one big time.
Just remember this:
Estimates vary, but 12% to 18% is the range it usually falls within. That is how often women feel depressed after baby arrives. That includes having little interest or little pleasure in doing things.
You are not alone and it does get better.

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2 Comments for this entry

  • Martin

    Long response, but as I read this post I realized I can relate very well. My wife and I had been together for 15 years and had an amazing sex life and she was always very sexual. However, after our 2nd child was born that all changed and we had a sexless marriage for about 3 years (and I mean 0 sex for 3 years) She had no interest in sex, said she was disgusted by the thought of touching me and was depressed. I started to loose patience and it almost cost us our marriage. I was mad at her and hurt. By year three our relationship was better, but any time I tried to talk about sex we would end up with a big argument. She was still very attractive and kept in great shape, which made the no sex even harder.
    I am still not sure why I did it (maybe because I wanted to see if she still had any interest in sex, or maybe to freak her out), but one day I decided to send her an anonymous e-mail, pretending to be a secret admirer. To my surprise she responded. We started to to exchange e-mails telling each other our fantasies, desires and frustrations.Part of me was upset that she could open up and almost have an affair with someone online, part of me was happy she was finally talking about some of these things, and part of me got very very turned on by what she was telling me. She needed to escape from being a mommy and hated the fact that that is all she was (she is a stay at home mom). Part of her thought that is all I thought of her as, and that i was just being this sweet husband. Apparently it zapped her sexual energy away. She didn’t want to make sweet love with foreplay. Just have sex. While this was going on she had no idea it was me she was e-mailing with 9started to make me nervous). What surprised me was that one night she woke me up in the middle of the night and said that she wanted to talk. She said that we should try the whole sex thing again, but that she had to pretend to be someone else, there was just too much baggage with being her and me. She also stipulated that there should be no talking, that she would get ready, turn off the lights and text me when it was ok to come in the room. we tried it a few nights later, and I tired to let go as well. I did not try to be sweet and careful and ask her if she was ok. Without going into any detail, it ended up being the best sex night we ever had. She did tell me that she finally figured out it was me behind the e-mails (after about 2 weeks) but was not mad. In the end she was glad it was me, but also said she would have never been able to say all of those things to me (or to any of her friends or other moms). Ever since that night and those 2.5 weeks we have had the best sex life and have never felt closer. I realize this probably would not work for many people and sounds kind of unbelievable, but that is what ended up working for us. For her, she needed to realize that being a mommy or wife is not what has to define her, it is just part of her, but she can still be her old kinky self as well.
    Sorry for the long post….

    • Swingers Attic

      Thanks for sharing your story Martin.
      We get a lot of visitors here on Swingers Attic and I think it will be of much help and interest to thousands of people who are dealing with similar situations.

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