The Swingers Attic

Archive for August, 2012

A break from swinging and drifting apart

by on Aug.11, 2012, under Spice

Question:
Hi Miranda and Aarron.
I am addicted to your site and always love your answers to the questions you get.
Now it is my turn to ask a question.
A little over a year ago my hubby and I took a break from swinging because of a family crisis and some financial issues. We had been long time swingers and most of our social life revolved around the lifestyle. In the last few months it feels like we have drifted apart and lost a huge part of what was us. We don’t feel our relationship is healthy enough to swing because we are not having much sex and have seen couples like that get jealous. We don’t want to be one of those. We know that if we went back to the lifestyle it could maybe light our fire. We have fears of problems though. My hubby said maybe soft swinging or just girls, but I was never much into soft play because it is like not getting my fries with my happy meal. I am also not into just girls. He mentioned just going to events to be. social too, but that would be like ordering my happy meal just to find out I left my purse at home.

Answer:
By Miranda-
Okay so your situation sounds SO similar to what Aarron and I have been through. A loss in the family and major financial stress threw us into a downward spiral of depression and anxiety with each other. I’m glad to know there are others like us out there who are going through the same things sometimes.
I agree with your husband, I think you should start back into the social scene and in doing so you and your husband will start feeling sexy again. Then maybe go home to talk about sexy couples and then hop in the sack to get intimate with each other’s fantasies again.
I know it feels like wasting time to do that but it could be a really good thing for awhile until you get back on track.
NO one says not to take down couples profile names or numbers, just don’t play for a bit but still get out so you aren’t trudging through the daily grind of stress. It’s so easy to become compliant when SERIOUS stress hits. No longer feeling into the flame and just wanting to get through the day and into bed…for sleep only.
I recently came across some excellent advice which has given MY relationship it’s fire back a bit. If you want to feel the flame you once had…act the way you did when you first met. I know it seems fake and totally hard to do but once you start making the effort to make a fire together it actually works. It does feel uncomfortable a first and totally silly but I have enjoyed doing it. I can see the man in my husband he was before our life struggle and it makes me feel hot for him because there is a sparkle in is eyes again for me. I think you should try it, I mean after all what do you have to lose?
Try the newlywed thing and then start going to lifestyle events for just the social aspect for awhile. If you don’t get yourself out of the house especially for sexy fun, you will be like pond scum, very unattractive and going no where. I hope I’ve helped and will be sending positive naughty vibes your way. Thanks for sharing your life with us.

Answer:
By Aarron-
Yes, very similar to our own situation in many ways.
We have had some bad twists of fate in the last couple of years that have left us staggering.
It seems as if when it rains it pours. One thing after another and we have not had the time or ability for keeping ourselves together. We also have not had the time or urge to play with others sexually over the last year very much.
I’d guess that swingers (and similar types) at one point made up a good 90% of our friends when it came to socializing. Now I would say it is maybe 20% and sex is rarely involved.
Only recently have we started to try and break out of our routine to pursue such things again.
We are lucky in that we had made many friends in the lifestyle who stayed friends even without the sex.
The reason I think that lucky is that we are able to jump right in again with friends we already know rather than go hunting at clubs or via online to meet new people. It is just simply easier.
As a matter of fact we have a fun weekend planned for next weekend with just such a couple.
Miranda and I don’t have that perfect teem feeling we had before our sting of bad events. I wouldn’t be as comfortable as I once was playing as we used to. We don’t know each others ques as perfectly as we did even just a year ago.
It is time to re-learn them.
We learn through practice. Dinner dates with other new couples, parties that we go to with the idea of not playing, (unless we meet the most amazing couple ever that we just can’t help it) getting together with old friends, and being a bit more active on sites like Lifestyle Lounge than we have been for the last year.
We are just taking it slow. Socializing has always been a big pat of the lifestyle for me so it is cool to be getting back to it.
In short… I think it is a good idea for you to get back to it, and that it would probably light your fire like you think it would.
I also agree with your husband that you should keep it chill. If your not into soft swinging per se, then maybe some group play at a club and keep the intercourse between you two only for the first couple times. That could be like a happy meal with half the fries?

I don’t know how you two originally started, but however it was it worked.
Try and get yourselves back to whatever mental place you both were in when you originally started before you jump back in again full bore.

As for your worries of jealousy… Since you know what swinging is about you are the only one to know if you will have those issues or not when you start back up.

NOTE: (by Aarron)
I actually felt like we were airing a bit of our own dirty laundry with our answers on this one.
Unlike those who ask… we who answer are not anonymous.
Still, I think it is important to all who read our blog to know where we are coming from in some cases even if it isn’t a bed of roses.
Like all couples we have our ups and downs. Many times it is due to situations out of our control.
That is life however and we do what all couples who love each other should do. We persevere, try, forgive, and go on.
Eventually the storm passes and we dance in the sun. That is love.

 

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Confidence and a wife that goes for hotter guys

by on Aug.06, 2012, under Insecurities

Question:

We are newbies with experience. My wife is way hotter than me and always goes for guys that are way hotter than me. We always end up with couples exactly the opposite. Hot guy with less hot woman.
I’m not ugly in any way, just average. My wife seems to never be interested in men of my caliber though and always is after the male model looking guys. If the guy has a wife like that they usually say no thank you.
My wife not wanting to play with guys of my caliber and only going for the super studs is giving me a lot of insecurity. I have had fun, but am thinking to quit the lifestyle over it.

Answer:
By Miranda-
I’m sorry for your experiences with the “better looking” guys.
I totally understand where you’re coming from but want to remind you that swinging is a women powered sport. If the women likes the man…it’s a go, if the man wants the women he better pray she finds him attractive. It’s not fair, but very typical in the lifestyle.
I think what you need to do is sit down and talk to your wife about how you’re feeling. Make sure you convey how serious this is to you and how you’re feeling inadequate to the fabio’s she’s tending to be drawn to.
I think the one thing I dislike about swinging is it’s dating times four, which makes it that much harder. Everyone in the equation must say “game on” for the equation to work and sometimes rejection is gonna happen, but it shouldn’t be happening ALL the time. Let your wife know you don’t want to play if she’s going to continuously going to pick men and women she knows aren’t going to want to meet up.
I will add that a man is much sexier if he’s confident, so maybe your insecurities are not starting with being rejected but starting by believing you aren’t good looking.
Women are like animals, we sense when a man isn’t confident in himself, so whether it’s a profile picture or meeting one on one remember you’re only as good looking as you think you are…truly.
I think equality is SOOOO important in swinging, but remember sometimes it’s hard to find it.
Everyone has different tastes. I haven’t seen you, but believe you’re good looking to many women and just need the extra boost in knowing you are. You attracted your wife.
Let your wife know you need reassurance of your looks. Once she starts pumping you up I know for a fact you’ll feel sexier and more desirable which will in turn make you so. You’ll start feeling more confident and visually looking so. Try and think that the only thing average about you is your confidence so have a little faith in yourself and remember beauty is in the sparkle of your eyes. I know that sounds SOOOOOOO cheesy but it is true. When looking for a couple if the guy doesn’t sparkle his eyes at me I know he’s not interested or has lack of confidence. Never let them see you sweat, unless in the bedroom. Average is average but a man with sparkle in is eyes is totally sexy. Your wife should be giving you your sparkle. Thanks for writing in and remember communication is key in swinging so talk to your honey, I bet you’ll feel better after you do.

Answer:
By Aarron-
You say you are not ugly. Your just average. You say your wife is hotter than you. You always end up with couples exactly the opposite. “Hot guy with less hot woman.”
First I will say that what my wife says about confidence is true. Women love confidence.
Next I will say that if these couples you are getting together with where the wives are “less hot” are not doing it for you then you need to not be playing with such couples. Your doing exactly what you think you wish your wife to do.
She shouldn’t go for guys she isn’t attracted to and you shouldn’t go for women you are not into.
Take your time and look for couples you both find attraction with.
If your feeling these women whom you do find attractive are a higher caliber than yourself it will come across in how you act with them.
Needy, desperate, scared… are all things I am envisioning. None of those things will turn a woman on very often.
The women you do play with that you consider your caliber or less… how do you act with them?
I’m guessing more confident because you are not worried.
Act that way with everyone.

I would like to add that sexing it up with people you are not into is not very nice to the women in question. (at least not in my mind)
You wouldn’t want those girls of a higher caliber (as you put it) to have sex with you only because their spouse somehow got them to do so, or because they felt you where the best they could do… but would prefer someone different would you?
I wouldn’t.

Pick your partners based on desires. Your doing a disservice to both you and your partners if you don’t really want to be there.

Also… if you open your eyes a bit you will find that very few people are completely mismatched.
Why is the “male model looking guy” married to the woman?
Does he think it is a mismatch? He probably thinks she is the most awesome thing ever. That is probably why he married her. Just maybe he is a tad better looking, but maybe she is the best sex he ever had. Or maybe she is the sweetest thing under the sun.
More often than not though it is just a matter of personal tastes.
He may love thick thighs while you see fat. He may love small breasts while you see to skinny. He may like really short girls while you are into super tall.
He most likely considers his wife much more beautiful than yours.
You obviously (from what you’ve said) consider your wife more beautiful than his.
That is just fine. It is your wife. The girl YOU thought was so amazing you needed to marry her.
That girl who isn’t exactly your favorite is that “male model looking guy’s” version of someone so amazing he wanted to get married to her.

 

 

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