The Swingers Attic

A break from swinging and drifting apart

by on Aug.11, 2012, under Spice

Question:
Hi Miranda and Aarron.
I am addicted to your site and always love your answers to the questions you get.
Now it is my turn to ask a question.
A little over a year ago my hubby and I took a break from swinging because of a family crisis and some financial issues. We had been long time swingers and most of our social life revolved around the lifestyle. In the last few months it feels like we have drifted apart and lost a huge part of what was us. We don’t feel our relationship is healthy enough to swing because we are not having much sex and have seen couples like that get jealous. We don’t want to be one of those. We know that if we went back to the lifestyle it could maybe light our fire. We have fears of problems though. My hubby said maybe soft swinging or just girls, but I was never much into soft play because it is like not getting my fries with my happy meal. I am also not into just girls. He mentioned just going to events to be. social too, but that would be like ordering my happy meal just to find out I left my purse at home.

Answer:
By Miranda-
Okay so your situation sounds SO similar to what Aarron and I have been through. A loss in the family and major financial stress threw us into a downward spiral of depression and anxiety with each other. I’m glad to know there are others like us out there who are going through the same things sometimes.
I agree with your husband, I think you should start back into the social scene and in doing so you and your husband will start feeling sexy again. Then maybe go home to talk about sexy couples and then hop in the sack to get intimate with each other’s fantasies again.
I know it feels like wasting time to do that but it could be a really good thing for awhile until you get back on track.
NO one says not to take down couples profile names or numbers, just don’t play for a bit but still get out so you aren’t trudging through the daily grind of stress. It’s so easy to become compliant when SERIOUS stress hits. No longer feeling into the flame and just wanting to get through the day and into bed…for sleep only.
I recently came across some excellent advice which has given MY relationship it’s fire back a bit. If you want to feel the flame you once had…act the way you did when you first met. I know it seems fake and totally hard to do but once you start making the effort to make a fire together it actually works. It does feel uncomfortable a first and totally silly but I have enjoyed doing it. I can see the man in my husband he was before our life struggle and it makes me feel hot for him because there is a sparkle in is eyes again for me. I think you should try it, I mean after all what do you have to lose?
Try the newlywed thing and then start going to lifestyle events for just the social aspect for awhile. If you don’t get yourself out of the house especially for sexy fun, you will be like pond scum, very unattractive and going no where. I hope I’ve helped and will be sending positive naughty vibes your way. Thanks for sharing your life with us.

Answer:
By Aarron-
Yes, very similar to our own situation in many ways.
We have had some bad twists of fate in the last couple of years that have left us staggering.
It seems as if when it rains it pours. One thing after another and we have not had the time or ability for keeping ourselves together. We also have not had the time or urge to play with others sexually over the last year very much.
I’d guess that swingers (and similar types) at one point made up a good 90% of our friends when it came to socializing. Now I would say it is maybe 20% and sex is rarely involved.
Only recently have we started to try and break out of our routine to pursue such things again.
We are lucky in that we had made many friends in the lifestyle who stayed friends even without the sex.
The reason I think that lucky is that we are able to jump right in again with friends we already know rather than go hunting at clubs or via online to meet new people. It is just simply easier.
As a matter of fact we have a fun weekend planned for next weekend with just such a couple.
Miranda and I don’t have that perfect teem feeling we had before our sting of bad events. I wouldn’t be as comfortable as I once was playing as we used to. We don’t know each others ques as perfectly as we did even just a year ago.
It is time to re-learn them.
We learn through practice. Dinner dates with other new couples, parties that we go to with the idea of not playing, (unless we meet the most amazing couple ever that we just can’t help it) getting together with old friends, and being a bit more active on sites like Lifestyle Lounge than we have been for the last year.
We are just taking it slow. Socializing has always been a big pat of the lifestyle for me so it is cool to be getting back to it.
In short… I think it is a good idea for you to get back to it, and that it would probably light your fire like you think it would.
I also agree with your husband that you should keep it chill. If your not into soft swinging per se, then maybe some group play at a club and keep the intercourse between you two only for the first couple times. That could be like a happy meal with half the fries?

I don’t know how you two originally started, but however it was it worked.
Try and get yourselves back to whatever mental place you both were in when you originally started before you jump back in again full bore.

As for your worries of jealousy… Since you know what swinging is about you are the only one to know if you will have those issues or not when you start back up.

NOTE: (by Aarron)
I actually felt like we were airing a bit of our own dirty laundry with our answers on this one.
Unlike those who ask… we who answer are not anonymous.
Still, I think it is important to all who read our blog to know where we are coming from in some cases even if it isn’t a bed of roses.
Like all couples we have our ups and downs. Many times it is due to situations out of our control.
That is life however and we do what all couples who love each other should do. We persevere, try, forgive, and go on.
Eventually the storm passes and we dance in the sun. That is love.

 

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