The Swingers Attic

Couples Dating

Tit for tat, attraction, looks, and compromise

by on Feb.26, 2012, under Couples Dating, Newbie Help

Question:
My husband and I have been transforming into swingers the last couple
of years.

It started out when I was turned on by other men’s attraction to me
that I took home to my husband. My husband suggested that we invite a
guy over and not 10 minutes later we met a man that told my husband
that he was a swinger and offered his attention. I enjoyed his
company, but I was not ready. My husband was a it pushy, but the
gentleman put a stop to that.

Later my husband bought lap dances from a male stripper. At first I
was so uptight that the dancer said that he couldn’t do it and would
come back after I had a few drinks. The dancer was pretty aggressive,
but sexy as hell and I ended up shocking myself. I have never been so
turned on.

Soon we were seeking to replicate a bit of that excitement. My husband
invited a couple of men to see my breasts while we were out of town
(separate occasions), and one thing led to another…. I think we were
both happy with the arrangement until…

One day, a couple came knocking at our door. Soon, our bodies were
entwined. The female laid down the rules. No kissing. No intercourse.
She was 23 and very slim. We just did a soft swap.

We started going to a swingers club afterwards. My husband has decided
that he wants to participate fully. We found another young couple
where the female is also very slim and in her twenties. It was their
first time, and her husband became upset seeing her with my husband,
so that didn’t go over all that well.

My husband and I are in our late forties to early fifties. We are both
overweight – I have put on the weight in a curvy way (5’6″ size 10-12
34DD) He has put on 70 lbs – mostly in his middle) I must say, he was
too skinny when we met.)

He is very picky. He will generally pick out a couple right away – the
hottest woman in the room and plant himself in her vicinity. Often we
end up in a heavily trafficked isle. This makes me crazy. I like
moving around the room and meeting different people or finding a
comfortable spot that is out of the direct flow of traffic. I enjoy
talking to people even if I know I am not interested in sleeping with
them.

I can be attracted to someone because of their wit and intellect,
their great body, or their personality in some combination. When I can
feel their attraction too, it is fun and hot. This drives my husband
crazy. He wants me to “work” on the couple that he has chosen.

This makes me feel like a stalker. Even if I am totally attracted to
someone, if they seem less than completely enamoured, I walk away. If
they want me, they had better Know it and make their intentions known
or come after me. Lol. It is hard to do this And be a stalker.

I get attention from a lot of people when we go out – including very
hot men. My hubby now wants things to be tit for tat. I want to fuck
hot men. Am I just going to be frustrated from now on except if a
miracle happens? Do you have any suggestions? How does not believe in
solo play.

Answer:
By Miranda-
It sounds like your husband is driving your swinger car. He’s telling you, “Okay honey put on your seat-belt because I know where we’re going and I know how to get there.”  He doesn’t sound very compassionate to your needs or desires and just assumes that when you get to a club or social setting with swingers you’re just along for the ride and ready to get down to business.
I always tell couples who struggle with taking on the dominate role in the relationship they should step back and assess the situation.
Basically you sit down and listen to him tell you how he wants to do things and have him LISTEN to the way YOU want to do things and then come to a compromise on how you two are going to function as a unit in the swinger lifestyle. It is like a reset, and you are going back to basics and setting rules for each other all over again (I really hope you two did that to begin with).
When you had your first encounter you said your husband was pushy, and from what you said I am assuming he’s that way with life in general. In the lifestyle it takes communications and compromises to make the other happy and sometimes it takes the more domineering spouse a lot longer to catch on to this.
I love that you’re so easy going and willing to accomidate your husband’s desires but in every relationship there’s two people, and each must listen to the others concerns and meet in the middle.
In some situations it’s okay to say “hey honey I’m not into doing that,” but I personally only say something when it’s something I’m uncomfortable with or just plain not into…such as food play…NO thank you (love you honey).
Maybe you two can stalk people one night and the next time mingle and relax a bit. That my dear is tit for tat!
As for your husband wanting the same attention you get…SORRY but not gonna happen. In the lifestyle women rule and anyone willing to argue that with me I would love to hear from. We women are almost like the topping on a wedding cake, everyone sees it and everyone admires it in some way.
Women are and have been since the beginning of time the most desired and chased, hence great artist painting, sculpting and sketching our beautiful bodies of all shapes and sizes much more than that of men. Wars have been started over women, how many women in history started wars over men…not many! I appreciate your husband’s need for equal attention, but if he holds his breath waiting he may just pass out. Thank you for writing in, I hope I helped even in the least bit and I wish you luck in communicating YOUR needs to your husband and then finding a middle ground. Thanks again!

Answer:
By Aarron-
First I would like to say that solo play in your case would probably be a huge mistake because you will get all the action and your husband very little if any at all.
The fact is that unless your husband is sporting a six pack and has a face that makes women swoon he is only able to swing on a regular basis because of you.
As my wife said… women rule in swinging. They rule in most cases when it comes to sexual games, though I can half way disagree with her statement about art. There is a ton of great art out there depicting men. It should be noted though that those depictions usually portray athletic men and are the creations of or commissioned by gay or bisexual men rather than women.
In other words what I am saying is that you hold all the cards. He holds none.
I’m not suggesting of course that you force him to play, socialize, or seek partners only in the way you wish, but truth be told he would have few other options than to play along or not play at all if that was the case.
There are a lot of different ways to compromise and make sure both of you are getting what you need.
Miranda suggested on such compromise that would work for some people.
Another would be to just let your husband take charge of the seeking out playmates in his way while you just mingle in your own fashion without worry. If your husband is successful on his own in befriending the “hottest woman in the room” he can bring her over and introduce you. If you hit it off great. If you don’t hit it off he can go make his attempts on the girl he considers the second most attractive person in the room.
Mingling is fun to me also and I enjoy meeting and talking with all sorts at clubs. We do of course scout the main areas of a club looking for potentials when we arrive, but we also take our time and just socialize. We both talk and agree before we play with anyone and it is both of our choice when we play.
Miranda does not boss me, nor do I boss her in play styles. We suggest, we ask, and we veto if not into it.
For swinging to work long term it must be good for everyone involved. You will not last long in it if you are regularly both feeling like the other is “driving you crazy” with their demands.
You can not expect your husband to wish play with people just because you do and he can not expect you to work on a couple when you are not feeling it.
It will become more stressful than the fun is worth eventually. It would be much better to skip play on such occasions that you don’t find a couple your both in solid agreement on in my opinion.
At least that is how we do it.

 

 

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Finding balance in picking swinger couples

by on Feb.08, 2011, under Couples Dating, Lifestyle Etiquette

Question:
My husband claims that every time we have swapped partners he has felt like he has gotten the short end of the stick because I always pick couples with good looking men and non attractive women.
He also claims that I never let him pick the couples because he picks couples with very attractive women and I don’t like them. The reality is that the few couples he has picked happen to have completely unattractive males that I can’t even imagine their wives liking. How do we solve this?

Answer:
By Miranda-
I can tell you every couple in the lifestyle deals with this situation on a regular basis.
It seems to me it just takes tons of patience and a lot of hard work to find couples that are equally pleasing to the eyes.
Just think about being bisexual and having to find two people you’re attracted to, and interested in playing with. Just because a woman is willing to play with me doesn’t always mean I am attracted to her.
So back to your question “how do we solve this?” To be one hundred percent honest…You don’t! Its kinda of one in a million shot you’re both going to find both people in a couple attractive. 
My husband and I have learned that sometimes going to meet a couple can really put it in perspective.  For example, we have met couples that the guy is SO funny and out going I didn’t care he looked like baby huewie.  My husband on the other hand has met woman who look absolutely amazing in their pictures to only find that in person they have gained 30 pounds, aged 10 years, and come with attitude.  Not a real turn on!  So really I think its all trial and error. 
You will sometimes find a matching set and other times not.  What one person looks like the other usually makes up for in personality.  If you’re the type of swinger that I call “in it to win it,” you probably need a matching Ken and Barbie. 
My husband and I are not “in it to win it,” and although looks are important in the lifestyle find that half the time we choose couples based on personality and interest and not their physical appearance. 
 Its a journey and in it we find imperfection and frustration but sometimes just meeting up for a drink can change a maybe to a “lets do it!”  Look inside as well as out sometimes there are beautiful things you never expected.

Answer:
By Aarron-
Doesn’t sound like your husband is “taking one for the team” as we say in swinger land, but he is feeling like he is getting the short end of the sick anyway.
I can relate in a way to his situation because we as a couple both have to be into our partners and never “take one for the team, so it limits our playing field so to speak.
For some reason we often end up with couples that include a very handsome, well spoken , athletic male and a pretty good looking but super cool wife.
They make the play grade because I very much put personality above just visuals and I like these women.
I am not sacrificing at all.
We do notice it though.
After a big string of such couples my wife actually did take one for the team without letting me know until afterwards.
She thought it was my turn to have the hottie I guess.
It was a girl I really liked and she new I wanted bad.
It was awesome… until I found out after that she really wasn’t into the guy and was just doing it on my behalf.
I thought it unfair to her and to the guy (even though he didn’t know)
If you are not into “taking one for the team,” and your husband isn’t either then there is no way you will always be sure to have at least one of you getting that perfect sex partner.
It is always going to be a state of compromise at some level.

I only can give you three  bits of advice here.
1) If your husband actually describes these women he is having sex with as “non attractive” then he needs to suck it up and not “take one for the team” for you anymore.
It is not fare to the women involved if nothing else.
2) Make sure your husband has a bit more active role in picking couples.
If he thinks you are the picker then most likely you are being overly demanding in your selections and negating his to abruptly without giving them enough thought.
3) Give these guys with the super sexy wives a chance. When an extremely sexy person seems way more attractive than their spouse it is usually for a good reason. Guy or gal… doesn’t matter.
A super hottie can easily find another super hottie.
That visually mismatched spouse that you “can’t even imagine their wives liking,” probably more than makes up for it in some other way. Maybe he is super smart and charming. Maybe his sense of humor is what makes him attractive. Maybe he is the best dang sex she ever had.
Not to sound rude, but I have had some of the worst sex with the most physically perfect women. It takes more than looking like a centerfold to be good in bed.

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