The Swingers Attic

Dinner & drinks

Dinner with the new and nervous

by on Sep.03, 2011, under Dinner & drinks


We always liked meeting new couples for dinner and drinks, but over the last year I have gotten where I am not like meeting newbies because they always ask the same questions and tell the same stories. How long have you been doing this, who thought of it first, we have been talking about it for umpteen years, etc.
I get irritated and if the couple acts shy and nervous I even start being a bitch. Can’t help it. Especially if the guy is trying to act the macho man and the woman is sitting in silent fear.
These types of dates used to be one of my favorite things about the lifestyle besides the sex itself. My husband says I need to step back and remember being new and nervous myself, but I just can’t seem to sympathize. I don’t like clubs and I am not a party girl so these dates are the only way we have to meet new people.
Not sure what exactly my question even is, but any advice you two have would be nice.

By Miranda-
I can completely understand where you’re coming from, but I can honestly say that Aarron and I, even when we were new to the whole lifestyle, didn’t ask those questions.
We had them asked to us from experienced swingers.  I think it’s important to remember that the small talk of a swinger isn’t “Wow the weather is just fabulous this afternoon,” and other such statement of nothingness. Swinger small talk consists of  “So how long have you been in the lifestyle and who’s idea was it??”  I know it’s repetitious and can totally become a complete drag, but I feel as if it is always part of the swinger dating game.
My advice on the topic is this, try texting, instant messaging, or talking on the phone with these newbies about these things first to get them out of the way so that way your dates can be filled with more socializing conversation that you’re interested in.  After all, the swinger small talk isn’t something that gets Aarron or I turned on.  We in most instances end up talking until restaurants are closing before we ask the couple back to our hotel room.  We chat about lifestyle experiences, but for the most part we converse about our own lives, comparing personalities and humor.  These things are sexual turn ons for us because we’re the type of swingers that want friends and not just a one time roll in the hay.  We love going places with our swinger friends in family situations (examples the zoo, movies, Saturday markets).  So the next time you two decide to get together with a new couple find out all the silly trivial small talk prior to meeting up. That way you’re more comfortable and other things can be discussed.
As for the macho man and quiet wife syndrome, I think that’s a fantastic way to notice you don’t like the couple, lol.  Cut things short, heck go to coffee so you aren’t committed to a long first meeting.  Or take your first meeting to a fun water park or miniature golf so there is a different focus and the swinger small talk isn’t just that…zzzzzzzz!!!  Meeting with new to the lifestyle swinger couples doesn’t have to be an up close and personal drink or dinner, mix it up.  Just like everything else in life, routine can ruin anything that once was fun.  Thank you for letting me voice my opinions, I hope they may help.

By Aarron-
It can get monotonous sometimes. Going to new and interesting places is one way to change it up.
I am not so sure about the water-park idea, *cough cough* (my wife can be a nut) but we have met people at some interesting places. Aquariums, Seattle Center, markets, etc…
We have also invited new/nervous couples along on vanilla outings with other swinger couples. Get four already in the lifestyle couples and a couple singles all heading to a street fair and a new (just checking it out) couple or two together and you end up having a great vanilla day with a lot of innuendos and fun flirting. Very little or no boring talk is involved. We all head to lunch together and then the chat is controlled by the group dynamic. Fun stuff.
Many new couples however may be leery of such a meeting, so if you are going to do the dinner date thing or cocktails, you are going to get the lifestyle grilling. Just try and remember that these questions will put them at ease. Their stories of how they reached the point of contemplating non-monogamy are part of their journey. They don’t need to know you have heard the same story with different dates and names 10 times. They just want confirmation that you are listening and that what they are contemplating is a good choice for them. Your husband is right… you need to step back and remember being in that moment of decision. For most people the decision to take the plunge and follow through with it is a huge one. I would guess it was for you too.
The same thing goes with the shy and nervous couples. They are out of their comfort zone and desperately hoping the people sitting across from them will throw them a life preserver. That is you. They want to be comfortable. They want to take the plunge. They are rightfully nervous.
Your description of the “macho man” and his wife sitting in silent fear is pretty funny to me.
On our very first dinner date with another couple I was pretty well behaved. We could not have played with them though because all four of us had time restrictions. It was just a meet and see type thing.
On our second ever dinner date I froze up. I was the shy and nervous one. My wife was the talkative, flirtatious, confident acting one while I had no idea what to say.
Anyways, my advice is to follow your husbands advice, maybe seek a few venues to meet up at that you haven’t tried before, and to possibly take more control of the conversations themselves. It isn’t hard to lead a conversation in a new direction if you are not enjoying it.
Good luck.
I promise if we ever meet up and have dinner I wont ask you all those pesky questions.

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Check Please – Who picks up the tab?

by on Jan.13, 2011, under Dinner & drinks, Lifestyle Etiquette, Newbie Help

We have went on about half a dozen meet to see if there is chemistry type dinner dates with other couples so far and one thing is really bothering me besides the fact we haven’t found a good match yet.
What is the etiquette on who pays for dinner?
At the end of dinner we always find an awkward silence and my husband ends up offering to pay the bill.
Is this because we have made it awkward by obviously not being interested?
Is there a swinger code that the rejected couple doesn’t offer to split the check?

By Miranda-
I can tell you from many dinner dates the best etiquette to have is always split the tab.  If you haven’t hung out with these people and befriended them I will tell you to ALWAYS before you order tell your server, “This is on two checks please.”  It’s simple and easy and saves everyone from an awkward situation in the end. 
I personally don’t care if I come off cheap by not wanting to pay because if you eat and find out you truly aren’t interested the only thing left is to say good night, not pay their tab. 
I also think once you’ve been in the lifestyle a while you’ll come to the conclusion dinner is only dinner and their is absolutely NO obligations.  I stand by my answer in announcing while you order because it really makes the night easier for all.  I totally understand where you are coming from though because I used to feel the same way you do,  awkward. 
Just be the person who calls the shots and split them up before you look down at your feet at the end of dinner. 
Also you mentioned not finding the right couple yet, stick with it you’ll find them, it just may take a lot of dinner dates and I doubt you want to be responsible for paying for all of them.  If you both like a couple and ask for a second date – the next time you meet pay their tab, that to me is good lifestyle dinner etiquette.  Good luck and have fun!

By Aarron-
My wife used to always offer to pay the tab or expected me to do so when we first stated out.
Took a few awkward situations and some after dinner discussions to get it to the point that we always say “separate checks.”
We do so before the meal rather than after.
It just makes it simple and nobody has to feel they owe anybody anything.
Once we have become friends with a couple we often offer to pick up the tab, and often get the tab picked up by our friends.
It becomes an established relationship just like any other with the added benefit of sexual fun.
Those first time meeting however are not the time to be offering up the check.
I hate it when others do it because I feel as if they are wishing us to feel obligated.
I don’t wish to pay because I don’t want them feeling that way.

Your question wasn’t really about finding a good match, but you did mention it so I will add this.
If you have gone on half a dozen dates and not found a possible match you are doing something wrong.
I assume you found these couples acceptable visually or you wouldn’t have met in the first place so it stands to reason you should have found someone by now.
Since I don’t have any specific information I can’t really give any advice on why you are not getting past your dinners, but a few common ones are:
1) Misrepresentation in your profile. That includes what you are actually looking for.
2) Overly nervous and making the other couples feel awkward because of it.
3) Having to high of expectations. You are doubtful to find new soul mates on a single dinner date.
4) Dressing poorly. I have seen many people start swinging and they try to dress to impress, but because of being off the market for many years they dress like fools instead. (by some fashion magazines)
5) Drilling your dinner dates on their sexual history or swinging experience. A bit of this talk is fine, but talk about other things too.
6) Avoiding the sex talk because of embarrassment. You do need to talk about it some and try to flirt even if you think your bad at it.

I could make a huge list of possible reasons, but those are some super common ones.
Without knowing your situation I can’t really target in on what is going wrong for you when it comes to finding your match.

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