The Swingers Attic

Dinner & drinks

In need of many dates before sex

by on Sep.16, 2010, under Couples Dating, Dinner & drinks, Newbie Help

Question:

We have decided to try out the lifestyle and have done a lot of research on it, but one thing we can’t figure out is how many vanilla dates is to many before sleeping with somebody. We would like to get to know our partners very well before becoming intimate with them. We have had no luck though because most couples seem to want to jump into the sack after just 2 or 3 dates and we think we need a lot more than that. We have been upfront with people and told them we wish to get to know people first, but it seems our definition of getting to know people is different than the average lifestyle couple. We want just one long term relationship with a couple. We don’t want to be a fling or even worse a one night stand. What should we do?

Answer:
By Miranda-
Well finding the perfect couple to have a happily ever after swinging connection is extremely rare.  I’m not meaning to discourage you or make you feel as if your wants and desires are a lost cause because they’re not.  I will just let you know it could take years going at that pace. 
Yes some couples want to jump into bed and that’s okay for them and yes others want to take it slow and establish a relationship before they share themselves with another couple.
There is nothing wrong about wanting to find one couple to play with exclusively. I will suggest this though, go on your three or four dates, have a great time and then maybe soft swap with the couple.  There is nothing wrong with test driving a car before you buy it but if you show up at the dealership everyday and the sales guy takes time with you everyday when a year is up and you still haven’t bought the car…time has been wasted on the sales guys end.  Swingers are like that too.  They will spend time with you over and over again but after a while they say, “hey, we have spent every weekend with John and Jane and they still haven’t let us pet them.  We could be out looking for couples who actually want to play with us.” 
I do want you to know that if you are set on achieving your goal eventually you will find a couple but you can’t be upset when after a while the couple you have been “getting to know” finds someone else to get to know.  Usually couples start off playing with many couples to one day find the four way connection and then they just “find” themselves being exclusive. My husband and I for example are currently in an exclusive relationship with another couple actually and believe me we were not looking for it and never wanted that until we met the couple and after our very first meeting were hooked. All of us were hooked!!! And we are still trying to figure things out…not as easy as you think to be in a relationship of four.  I hope I have shed a light or at least got you thinking about a slight alternative that might suit you both.

Answer:
By Aarron-
It sounds like what you are looking for may be a bit more easy to find via polyamory type circles than swinging circles.
Swingers in general are just looking for a good time with no strings attached.
It is true many swingers desire strong friendships with their playmates and some are open to becoming part of an exclusive relationship, but for the most part swingers are after recreational sex.
Polyamory on the other hand is more about connections. Polyamory basically means ‘many loves’and though that may sound like more than you are seeking on the surface polyamorous people are basically seeking exactly what you describe.
The big difference between people that identify as poly vs people that identify as part of the swinging lifestyle is that swinging is focused on sex without need of any emotional ties and poly people welcome the chances of emotional ties and focus on relationships as well as the sex that comes with it.
So in a generic sense you could consider poly minded people to be seeking great super close friends with benefits while lifestyle people are seeking recreational sex that may or may not include close friendships.
In both poly and lifestyle groups however you will need to be patient and take your time.
It is no different than in your vanilla dating life before you found your spouse… you will need to look until you are lucky.
Sometimes lucky can take a while.

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Wanting more than just dinner

by on Sep.15, 2010, under Couples Dating, Dinner & drinks, Newbie Help

Question:

Any advice on how to take a great dinner date to the next level? We have had a few meetings with couples and all seems to be fine, but when it comes to inviting them for sex we just draw a blank.

Answer:
By Miranda -
This is something I have found myself to be quite awkward. 
You wine you dine and when it comes to popping the question you all of a sudden find yourself feeling like you are in a cheap porno and its time to pay your bill. 
I have always found it appropriate to ask if the couple would like to continue the evening at our house or hotel if you are an out of towner. 
For myself  to stay safe and sane I always incorporate humor to keep my nervous edge off. 
I will ask if they would like dessert at our house?  I know it is a little crass but I do consider myself dessert!
So do whatever you feel comfortable with, heck if you think they may need you to ask if they play scrabble do it!!!! 
Some people - especially new couples don’t like to feel pushed or obligated.  Just asking works too, but we swingers like to try and be sly. So maybe tell them how much you have enjoyed the evening and how it would be nice to continue it…at your place.

Answer:
By Aarron -
Usually I have no problem at this particular juncture in a date because if all is going well I simply ask what everyone else would enjoy doing now that we have all finished dinner.
Usually my wife will speak up and make an invite if one of the other people doesn’t and the vibe is definitely sexual.
On the couple rare times my wife didn’t step in yet had interest I just throw it out there.
“So… I think maybe it is time to head back to our room.” and if they seem to be shy or not positive of that being an invite I finish with “Would you two like to join us?” and that is all that needs be said.
Sometimes you just have to set the coy games aside and ask straight up.

This question was originally submitted on SwingFun.com.

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