The Swingers Attic

Insecurities

Jealousy and drama bombs at the swing club

by on Jul.23, 2012, under Insecurities, Lifestyle Etiquette, Unsorted

Question:

I hope you can help! My hubs and I are 28, and have been together
since 17. We entered the lifestyle about a year ago. In April, we
started volunteering at a lifestyle club near where we live. The first
night we were volunteering, we met a couple that we really seemed to
hit it off with. We all chatted a lot, and it was very clear the other
man was into me, but it seemed we were all getting along. We were not
to full swap yet at that time, and they were, so nothing happened that
night. We did find him sitting alone later waiting for her to come
back from time with a playmate. We haven’t played with them together,
but we have played with the hub in a MMMFF situation, and I have
played with him in one-on-one situation (with the blessing of BOTH
spouses). During our one-on-one, they hung out together at the club
and talked. Since it was our first full separate room swap, she spent
the time (needlessly) reassuring him- telling him how much I loved him
and how I wouldn’t leave him. However, the hubs has not seemed to have
any luck with her (she seems to prefer tall black men). She and I have
always been very friendly and have even talked about doing girlfriend
stuff together (mains-pedis, etc). Before we started doing full swap,
she even offered me advice on jealousy. We have even gone out to
dinner and a show (no sex!) with the couple- that was the last time we
saw them until this weekend at the club. I never am flirty until he
is, and when we all went out together I kept my hands on my own
husband (not hers!). It seemed everything went well and we received a
friendly text the next day saying they had a great time (from her).
However, this weekend when we saw them at the club, she was very cold
and he told me that she was feeling that I was falling in love with
him. He knows that is not the case. There is absolutely nothing
inappropriate going on on my part- I love my husband and have for the
past 10 years! Our intimacy and sex life has been enhanced by this
swinging experience. However, I don’t know how to handle this
situation. I do know that they played with a past couple where the
female became clingy- but I only have her contact info. I don’t even
have any way to contact him other than when we see each other at the
club. I am completely confused by where this came from, and a little
heartbroken. While I enjoy having sex and flirting with him, I really
like her and value her friendship. We want to keep this couple around-
we like them on other levels besides sex- and I don’t want to lose a
playmate over a concern that doesn’t exist.
How can I handle this situation? How would you handle this situation?
Thanks in advance.

Answer:
By Miranda-
I’m going to be totally honest and say, SWIM AWAY!!!!!  That’s how Aarron and I would handle it.  We don’t do drama or deal with other couples baggage so regardless of how much I valued their friendship they obviously have their own issues that I would say didn’t involve me or my husband.  The female was helping you with jealousy because she herself suffers from it.  She wasn’t into your husband but wanted to reassure him while you and her husband were having a good time that you wouldn’t leave your hubby.  It was probably eating her alive knowing that you two were playing and she was just waiting with all her insecurities for you to finish.  You truly gave a great background of your situation and I’m sorry that my answer to it is brief but we are swingers that run for the hills at any sign of drama.  I don’t put up with people bringing me into their relationships in a negative matter and I don’t like people making assumptions about me so if I were in your shoes I would say thanks but no thanks, bow out gracefully and then find other couples you want to become close with that aren’t high maintenance or drama causing.  Once again don’t spend time trying to hash out how you really feel to this women, she isn’t worth it because she obviously isn’t rational or logical.I know it’s always hard to walk away from a situation that isn’t resolved but remember there really is NO situation. Just one in her own head.  You don’t have to nor would it do any good to explain to her.  DON’T bite her hook….SWIM AWAY!!!!

Answer:
By Aarron-
You definitely need to get away from the situation before the drama bomb explodes.
Since you all frequent the same club it is basically a question of how to step away without causing an issue.
My own way of doing it if I was in your shoes would be to just go social only on the people. Be nice, be fun, but show no interest sexually.
Let it defuse all on it’s own. If you decide to do it in that manner and one of them pursues the issue it is completely fine to explain that swinging / the lifestyle is about added fun and nothing else. You have had your fun and enjoyed it, but now seek new adventures.
We know many couples who rarely play more than once or twice with the same people for that exact reason.
If by some chance that doesn’t solve it then being brutally honest is probably the only thing you can do.
“I’m sorry, but I started to sense some drama coming on and so I decided to step away from the situation.”
It is always best to keep situations friendly and nice in the lifestyle, but it isn’t always possible.
Best of luck.

 

 

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Dealing with being rejected in the lifestyle

by on Jun.28, 2012, under Insecurities, Newbie Help

Question:

My wife and I have been swinging a very short time. We have mostly had fun and it has made us both very happy people in and out of the bedroom.
The problem is that we sometimes face rejection and my wife takes it very personal. She gets bent out of shape for days and even weeks. We know rejection is part of the lifestyle. My wife doesn’t know how to deal with it well though.

Answer:
By Miranda-
Okay so coming from a women’s point of view, YES it does suck to be rejected, but it is totally part of the game.
Earlier this year Aarron and I attended an on premise social party with around a hundred couples where not a single couple was interested and at the end of the night I was devastated a completely crushed.
It really had never happened to us before and although the couples at the event really weren’t our type of creatures, man it still hurt.
Make sure to let your wife know it’s a dating game for sure, but full throttle.
If couples aren’t interested then…they aren’t and they move on. I’m sure you two haven’t wanted to play with EVERY couple you’ve met, so think of it as for every time you are rejected there will be a time you will reject a couple.
I do totally understand because I think us women take things more emotionally and personally,so yes being rejected is a little disheartening.
As for advice on coping with rejection…there really is none I can give that you probably haven’t heard before. Whether you’re passed up for a job or looked over at a lifestyle event rejection is a part of life. When Aarron and I feel rejected I just think okay so no time wasted, let’s move on, saves a lot of time and disappointment.
I hope I’ve cushioned your fall but and I think in time your wife will grow accumstomed to the occasional let down, it truly does come with time. Thanks for writing in and when life gets you down, put some dirt on it and get back out there!!!!

Answer:
By Aarron-
Not everyone is going to click and rejection will happen. It is a bit less subtle in the lifestyle than in the regular/mundane club settings because everyone is so much more upfront about what they wish.
Lifestyle clubs and events are fast paced.
When we first started in swinging I rejected a few couples (lots actually) that in hindsight I wish I hadn’t. Sometimes I even hope I run into certain couples just to see if I can right my mistakes. I also used to always reject single girls immediately as I didn’t wish to waste time.
We wanted couples. Why chat it up with a single gal?
I went through a phase of blowing off soft swingers because my wife preferred full swap even though I actually enjoyed such situations. She hadn’t vetoed the soft swingers, I was just trying to not waste time.
We are all in such a hurry when we are at a club or social event for swinging.
We scan the room, pick our targets and go after them. Hopefully our targets are receptive and didn’t pick anybody themselves yet. Hopefully they are not there to only hang out with existing friends. Hopefully they are not the type to flirt and then ditch later for what they think is a better catch. Hopefully once we chat a bit we don’t decide they are not our type and have to reject them after we made the first move.
So many variables. So many ways to get shot down.
You can’t take it to personal because there is no way you are going to be everyone’s favorite flavor of the night.
The same goes with online sites like SwingLifeStyle and Lifestyle Lounge. You will write people and get a negative response or even no response pretty dang often if your the aggressor.
We don’t make first contact on such sights anymore because we primarily meet new people through others. Because we don’t write first we don’t have to deal that anymore, but we do still keep profiles in hopes of meeting some great new friends so people write us.
We don’t invite every couple that writes us over for a game of naked twister. Sometimes it is just a bad profile. Sometimes it is bad pictures. Maybe it is a single answer to a question that makes us say no. Maybe I think they look fabulous, but Miranda doesn’t like something. To shy? To arrogant? To many rules?
We know people pass us by for all those same reasons. As much as I would like to be the ideal male in every females eyes… I know I am not. Nobody is.
We are all going to reject and be rejected.
So… no big advice here today. Just me pointing out the obvious.

I do have a goofy idea though…
Point out couples next time your at a club and ask your wife if she is into them.
Show her profiles and ask her if she is into them.
Count out how many she rejects.
It may help put it into perspective that it isn’t really that big of a deal.

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