I hope you can help! My hubs and I are 28, and have been together
since 17. We entered the lifestyle about a year ago. In April, we
started volunteering at a lifestyle club near where we live. The first
night we were volunteering, we met a couple that we really seemed to
hit it off with. We all chatted a lot, and it was very clear the other
man was into me, but it seemed we were all getting along. We were not
to full swap yet at that time, and they were, so nothing happened that
night. We did find him sitting alone later waiting for her to come
back from time with a playmate. We haven’t played with them together,
but we have played with the hub in a MMMFF situation, and I have
played with him in one-on-one situation (with the blessing of BOTH
spouses). During our one-on-one, they hung out together at the club
and talked. Since it was our first full separate room swap, she spent
the time (needlessly) reassuring him- telling him how much I loved him
and how I wouldn’t leave him. However, the hubs has not seemed to have
any luck with her (she seems to prefer tall black men). She and I have
always been very friendly and have even talked about doing girlfriend
stuff together (mains-pedis, etc). Before we started doing full swap,
she even offered me advice on jealousy. We have even gone out to
dinner and a show (no sex!) with the couple- that was the last time we
saw them until this weekend at the club. I never am flirty until he
is, and when we all went out together I kept my hands on my own
husband (not hers!). It seemed everything went well and we received a
friendly text the next day saying they had a great time (from her).
However, this weekend when we saw them at the club, she was very cold
and he told me that she was feeling that I was falling in love with
him. He knows that is not the case. There is absolutely nothing
inappropriate going on on my part- I love my husband and have for the
past 10 years! Our intimacy and sex life has been enhanced by this
swinging experience. However, I don’t know how to handle this
situation. I do know that they played with a past couple where the
female became clingy- but I only have her contact info. I don’t even
have any way to contact him other than when we see each other at the
club. I am completely confused by where this came from, and a little
heartbroken. While I enjoy having sex and flirting with him, I really
like her and value her friendship. We want to keep this couple around-
we like them on other levels besides sex- and I don’t want to lose a
playmate over a concern that doesn’t exist.
How can I handle this situation? How would you handle this situation?
Thanks in advance.
I’m going to be totally honest and say, SWIM AWAY!!!!! That’s how Aarron and I would handle it. We don’t do drama or deal with other couples baggage so regardless of how much I valued their friendship they obviously have their own issues that I would say didn’t involve me or my husband. The female was helping you with jealousy because she herself suffers from it. She wasn’t into your husband but wanted to reassure him while you and her husband were having a good time that you wouldn’t leave your hubby. It was probably eating her alive knowing that you two were playing and she was just waiting with all her insecurities for you to finish. You truly gave a great background of your situation and I’m sorry that my answer to it is brief but we are swingers that run for the hills at any sign of drama. I don’t put up with people bringing me into their relationships in a negative matter and I don’t like people making assumptions about me so if I were in your shoes I would say thanks but no thanks, bow out gracefully and then find other couples you want to become close with that aren’t high maintenance or drama causing. Once again don’t spend time trying to hash out how you really feel to this women, she isn’t worth it because she obviously isn’t rational or logical.I know it’s always hard to walk away from a situation that isn’t resolved but remember there really is NO situation. Just one in her own head. You don’t have to nor would it do any good to explain to her. DON’T bite her hook….SWIM AWAY!!!!
You definitely need to get away from the situation before the drama bomb explodes.
Since you all frequent the same club it is basically a question of how to step away without causing an issue.
My own way of doing it if I was in your shoes would be to just go social only on the people. Be nice, be fun, but show no interest sexually.
Let it defuse all on it’s own. If you decide to do it in that manner and one of them pursues the issue it is completely fine to explain that swinging / the lifestyle is about added fun and nothing else. You have had your fun and enjoyed it, but now seek new adventures.
We know many couples who rarely play more than once or twice with the same people for that exact reason.
If by some chance that doesn’t solve it then being brutally honest is probably the only thing you can do.
“I’m sorry, but I started to sense some drama coming on and so I decided to step away from the situation.”
It is always best to keep situations friendly and nice in the lifestyle, but it isn’t always possible.
Best of luck.
My husband and I are new to this lifestyle and we had our first
encounter with another couple in February. Like you both we(my husband
and I) consider ourselves “social swingers” we would like to forge
a relationship as friends and get to know the couple better before
His wife does not live in the country and she visits occasionally. In
February we meet 2 times, the 1st time for dinner where we had nice
conversation about the lifestyle and what we like and what they like
and past experiences good and bad. The 2nd time(in February) we went
out in a club environment and there was very little conversation as we
met up with another group of friends and didn’t really get to know
them. They were very patient and understanding for us as newbies!!
Within that time to now we have been in contact with her husband via
email and hung out once or twice. He (the husband) is really nice and
appealing to me, my husband find he is very nice as well, personality
and charm. Just as a note:- one of their rules are they always
“play” together and in the same room. We were ready to go if they
“played” separately. One of my husband fantasies is seeing me with
another man. Just hanging out with the husband added excitement to our
The wife came back to visit last week and we meet twice so far and had
much more meaningful conversations, getting to know the wife better.
The predicament we are in right now is that the wife is not appealing
sexually to either my husband or myself. We have formed a cool
relationship with the husband but his wife lacks personality and sex
appeal. The wife leaves later in the week and they have invited us
over to their place, to have some fun before she leaves.
We are really do not want to go through with it anymore but we are not
sure what to say or how to turn down the offer without offending them.
We don’t want them to feel like we have strung them along either. We
also feel a bit rushed as they (the couple) want to get down to
business quickly before the wife leaves.
Can you please offer some advice on how to deal with this?
My personal belief on this matter is to just make yourselves busy until the wife leaves and then gradually and painlessly disconnect with the husband. If they only play together then there is your answer…let him go! They may be nice people and you don’t want to hurt their feeling but truly do you really want to say,” hey listen we totally want the mister for a threesome but you remind me of a door mat and we just can’t find you appealing?” No you don’t so do this with grace and consideration, let the connection go quietly and he won’t even know you did it. Something just came up and you two can’t make it…enough said. Yes they will wonder if you’re blowing them off but really in the grand scheme of things they will already know that if you put yourselves in a sexual situation that you and your husband aren’t comfortable with. I usually say honesty is the best policy but…in this case to avoid ill feeling just make yourselves unavailable. Hope I have helped and thanks for writing in, happy swingin!
I am in total agreement with my wife on this one.
That is how we would handle it ourselves because 1) My wife does most of the pre-date chatty stuff, & 2) almost any other scenario would cause some sort of hurt feelings needlessly.
I would especially say that in your case as self described “newbies” taking one for the team or offering up a fuck to not offend or hurt feelings is not a great idea.
Hope it all works out for you.