The Swingers Attic

Newbie Help

Canceling because the wife lacks sex appeal

by on Jul.23, 2012, under Lifestyle Etiquette, Newbie Help, Playing with others, Unsorted

My husband and I are new to this lifestyle and we had our first
encounter with another couple in February. Like you both we(my husband
and I) consider ourselves “social swingers” we would like to forge
a relationship as friends and get to know the couple better before
moving forward.

His wife does not live in the country and she visits occasionally. In
February we meet 2 times, the 1st time for dinner where we had nice
conversation about the lifestyle and what we like and what they like
and past experiences good and bad. The 2nd time(in February) we went
out in a club environment and there was very little conversation as we
met up with another group of friends and didn’t really get to know
them. They were very patient and understanding for us as newbies!!

Within that time to now we have been in contact with her husband via
email and hung out once or twice. He (the husband) is really nice and
appealing to me, my husband find he is very nice as well, personality
and charm. Just as a note:- one of their rules are they always
“play” together and in the same room. We were ready to go if they
“played” separately. One of my husband fantasies is seeing me with
another man. Just hanging out with the husband added excitement to our
sex lives!!


The wife came back to visit last week and we meet twice so far and had
much more meaningful conversations, getting to know the wife better.
The predicament we are in right now is that the wife is not appealing
sexually to either my husband or myself. We have formed a cool
relationship with the husband but his wife lacks personality and sex
appeal. The wife leaves later in the week and they have invited us
over to their place, to have some fun before she leaves.

We are really do not want to go through with it anymore but we are not
sure what to say or how to turn down the offer without offending them.
We don’t want them to feel like we have strung them along either. We
also feel a bit rushed as they (the couple) want to get down to
business quickly before the wife leaves.
Can you please offer some advice on how to deal with this?

By Miranda-
My personal belief on this matter is to just make yourselves busy until the wife leaves and then gradually and painlessly disconnect with the husband.  If they only play together then there is your answer…let him go!  They may be nice people and you don’t want to hurt  their feeling but truly do you really want to say,” hey listen we totally want the mister for a threesome but you remind me of a door mat and we just can’t find you appealing?”  No you don’t so do this with grace and consideration, let the connection go quietly and he won’t even know you did it.  Something just came up and you two can’t make it…enough said.  Yes they will wonder if you’re blowing them off but really in the grand scheme of things they will already know that if you put yourselves in a sexual situation that you and your husband aren’t comfortable with.  I usually say honesty is the best policy but…in this case to avoid ill feeling just make yourselves unavailable. Hope I have helped and thanks for writing in, happy swingin!

By Aarron-
I am in total agreement with my wife on this one.
That is how we would handle it ourselves because 1) My wife does most of the pre-date chatty stuff, & 2) almost any other scenario would cause some sort of hurt feelings needlessly.
I would especially say that in your case as self described “newbies” taking one for the team or offering up a fuck to not offend or hurt feelings is not a great idea.
Hope it all works out for you.

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First time half swap and jealousy

by on Jul.08, 2012, under Newbie Help, Playing with others


My husband and I had our first experience at a party this weekend. I
loved it, he loved most of it. He admitted later that he didn’t like
seeing me with another man. We had agreed in advance that I would not
have intercourse. So I only had oral sex. He asked if it was ok for
him to have intercourse and I was more than fine with it. I don’t know
what you would call this, first of all. And I also wonder if this is a
common thing. I want to do this again but I am worried he won’t want
to because of his jealousy. What do I do to get him into it?

By Miranda-
This is a total common thing, men usually either love watching their wives have sex with other men or it makes the hair on the back of their necks stand up and they see red.  I think men, no matter what any of them say are ALL about possession. I think it is a biological thing.  They love that THEIR sexy,  hot wife is being so naughty or they want that strange neanderthal to get the hell of f THEIR sexy hot wife.
I find it really funny at times how the simple male brain operates, me like or…club him!!!!  okay enough teasing on the guys.
I think the best thing to do is to try it  again because sometimes it takes a bit for husbands to warm up to the idea.
And then again it may not!
Only more play time will tell, and if after a couple more tries it still isn’t working for him then it’s time to throw in the ol swinger towel or live a life of FFM play.  I think its important for men that are having issues such as your husband’s to be honest about them so bravo and hats off to your husband.  Some men let it fester until their is a major blow up, sometimes during a play date!!!  EEEEP!!  I would definitely give it the ol college try though and see if things get better.  I will say that if Aarron wasn’t comfortable with me having sex with another man there would be NOOOOOOO way on GOd’s green earth he would be able to indulge.  Sorry honey but I’m all about even Stevens, none of that craziness in my house.  Equality now!!!! lol.
I also think it’s important for guys to be totally comfortable with the guy you’re playing with because it can put a husband on edge if they have any doubts about your male playmate.  I know Aarron and I have a couple that are SOOOOO relaxed and chill and so my husband feels okay with the guy but we have had playmates that Aarron wouldn’t even go to the bathroom because he didn’t trust them alone (isn’t he cute?).  So maybe you two need to find a couple and make super good friends with them so your hubby can sit back and marvel in HIS hot sexy wife doing naughty things.  Thanks for the great question and keep em  girl cummin!

By Aarron-
What you two did is commonly called a half swap. It is not unusual and is most often the exact scenario you described, but sometimes is the reverse.
As to your husbands jealousy… it is a normal response for the majority of men to experience jealousy at first. It usually gets less and less as time goes by if you keep playing, but not always.
My advice is that you should keep it to half swap or soft swinging (both oral only) for a while and discuss feelings after your play-dates every time.
I don’t 100% agree with my wife that all men are “ALL about possession,” but I would say that to some degree it is for the most part true.
I mention that because you can play up to it. If you know what would turn your husband on visually or as a scenario when it comes to your actions you can make it a bit of a special show for him. It can in a way make it seem as if your actions are as much for him as for you. Not all men however are into such things.
I’ve met many couples who play separate room simply because they don’t enjoy seeing each other having sex with others. They like the strange/new partners for themselves, but are not down with watching their spouse get it on.
Miranda mentioned comfort levels between the men. This I do agree with completely. It is especially important if the male has jealousy issues based on propriety and feels possessive of his wife.
When a guy hits it off with another guy they chat and share things. They show off their stuff.
Look at my motorcycle, my collection of stamps, my baseball cards, my boat, my hobbies, etc… (I tried to be random) If a guy doesn’t hit it off with another guy he doesn’t want to share his collections, prize possessions, or hobbies. You as his wife fall into a weird category of possession. The first two words in your question say “My husband,” giving you possession of him.
You in a way possess each other. For him to feel very comfortable about sharing his wife he may also need to feel like he wants to show off his toys.
I hope you don’t get annoyed that I compared you as a wife to material objects, but the same motivations for a guy to show off his special collections/possessions to another guy are often they key to showing off his special wife in a sexual way.

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