The Swingers Attic

Newbie Help

Dealing with being rejected in the lifestyle

by on Jun.28, 2012, under Insecurities, Newbie Help

Question:

My wife and I have been swinging a very short time. We have mostly had fun and it has made us both very happy people in and out of the bedroom.
The problem is that we sometimes face rejection and my wife takes it very personal. She gets bent out of shape for days and even weeks. We know rejection is part of the lifestyle. My wife doesn’t know how to deal with it well though.

Answer:
By Miranda-
Okay so coming from a women’s point of view, YES it does suck to be rejected, but it is totally part of the game.
Earlier this year Aarron and I attended an on premise social party with around a hundred couples where not a single couple was interested and at the end of the night I was devastated a completely crushed.
It really had never happened to us before and although the couples at the event really weren’t our type of creatures, man it still hurt.
Make sure to let your wife know it’s a dating game for sure, but full throttle.
If couples aren’t interested then…they aren’t and they move on. I’m sure you two haven’t wanted to play with EVERY couple you’ve met, so think of it as for every time you are rejected there will be a time you will reject a couple.
I do totally understand because I think us women take things more emotionally and personally,so yes being rejected is a little disheartening.
As for advice on coping with rejection…there really is none I can give that you probably haven’t heard before. Whether you’re passed up for a job or looked over at a lifestyle event rejection is a part of life. When Aarron and I feel rejected I just think okay so no time wasted, let’s move on, saves a lot of time and disappointment.
I hope I’ve cushioned your fall but and I think in time your wife will grow accumstomed to the occasional let down, it truly does come with time. Thanks for writing in and when life gets you down, put some dirt on it and get back out there!!!!

Answer:
By Aarron-
Not everyone is going to click and rejection will happen. It is a bit less subtle in the lifestyle than in the regular/mundane club settings because everyone is so much more upfront about what they wish.
Lifestyle clubs and events are fast paced.
When we first started in swinging I rejected a few couples (lots actually) that in hindsight I wish I hadn’t. Sometimes I even hope I run into certain couples just to see if I can right my mistakes. I also used to always reject single girls immediately as I didn’t wish to waste time.
We wanted couples. Why chat it up with a single gal?
I went through a phase of blowing off soft swingers because my wife preferred full swap even though I actually enjoyed such situations. She hadn’t vetoed the soft swingers, I was just trying to not waste time.
We are all in such a hurry when we are at a club or social event for swinging.
We scan the room, pick our targets and go after them. Hopefully our targets are receptive and didn’t pick anybody themselves yet. Hopefully they are not there to only hang out with existing friends. Hopefully they are not the type to flirt and then ditch later for what they think is a better catch. Hopefully once we chat a bit we don’t decide they are not our type and have to reject them after we made the first move.
So many variables. So many ways to get shot down.
You can’t take it to personal because there is no way you are going to be everyone’s favorite flavor of the night.
The same goes with online sites like SwingLifeStyle and Lifestyle Lounge. You will write people and get a negative response or even no response pretty dang often if your the aggressor.
We don’t make first contact on such sights anymore because we primarily meet new people through others. Because we don’t write first we don’t have to deal that anymore, but we do still keep profiles in hopes of meeting some great new friends so people write us.
We don’t invite every couple that writes us over for a game of naked twister. Sometimes it is just a bad profile. Sometimes it is bad pictures. Maybe it is a single answer to a question that makes us say no. Maybe I think they look fabulous, but Miranda doesn’t like something. To shy? To arrogant? To many rules?
We know people pass us by for all those same reasons. As much as I would like to be the ideal male in every females eyes… I know I am not. Nobody is.
We are all going to reject and be rejected.
So… no big advice here today. Just me pointing out the obvious.

I do have a goofy idea though…
Point out couples next time your at a club and ask your wife if she is into them.
Show her profiles and ask her if she is into them.
Count out how many she rejects.
It may help put it into perspective that it isn’t really that big of a deal.

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Wanting a woman without sharing her with husband

by on Jun.25, 2012, under Lifestyle Etiquette, Newbie Help

Question:

Hi i wonder if you can help. my husband and I have been together for
10 years and have always been quite experimental. He has mentioned
swinging a number of times however I have always brushed it off
because I was too scared. I had a sexual fling with a woman a few
years ago and hubby loved it. Recently I have been thinking more and
more about having another woman at the same time as my husband, but I
don’t know where to start. I don’t want my husband to share the woman as
such I just want them both on me is aloud? I really am new to the
whole thing and need to know how to go about things. thanks for any
help in advance.

Answer:
By Miranda-
Thanks so much for writing in to us and I know that sometimes getting started in new sexual adventures are sometimes a little scary and nerve racking.
The best way to go about finding a single female to fulfill your fantasy would be creating a profile on an adult couples dating site and seeking women who are first single and second bisexual. There are plenty of bisexual women looking for couples to play with and the best part about creating a profile is you can be as picky in your desires as you wish.
You don’t want the other female to play with your husband, no prob, many swinger girls just want to play with the female of the couple. It may take a while to find one that’s a perfect fit for you and your husband but don’t get discouraged and remember it’s all about fun so be patient and the right female will like your profile and want to set up a play date.
I hope this has given you a little push in the right direction and have fun finding a great girly play partner to fulfill your desires. Thanks again for writing in!

Answer:
By Aarron-
Anything and everything is allowed as long as all people involved know the deal.
Finding a single girl to play with you while your husband plays with you too (with no playing between them) isn’t impossible, but will take a while.
An easier to set up scenario would be to find a couple with similar desires as your own and have a foursome where the only real sexual contact is between the two women and between the spouses.
A lot of couples new to the idea of sexual exploration with others go in seeking just a woman for a threesome or a woman for just a girl on girl type thing with the husbands watching.
Usually the play happens with just the girls and then the couples pair off with there wives for same room sex rather than swapping.
Having the husbands playing with their own wives while the girls play together is a semi-normal deal. If your not against another man in the room then I would suggest you go that rout as it is much easier to find couples via swingers sites than single females. Search for couples interested in soft swap and if they seem interesting send them a note explaining what type of scenario you are interested in.
The Just the girls and then same room sex thing is common enough that I’d guess we have had a hundred plus people contact us on the sites we use for connections asking for exactly that in the last two or three years just because we mention that we are cool with soft swap situations.
As such a situation is not exactly our personal thing we have met with very few of them, but on
the few occasions we have actually played with such couples it has often become exactly the scenario I described.

 

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