The Swingers Attic

Tag: asking

Suggesting the lifestyle to a girlfriend

by on Jun.29, 2011, under Newbie Help, Unsorted

Question:

I have a bit of a catch 22 here. I would like to get into the life
style, but that is hard when I a single male, and when I suggest going
to a party to my girl friend I soon find myself single again.

That has happened twice now.
Any thing to help this?

Answer:
By Miranda-
I suggest you get into the lifestyle as a single male.  I think because you’re totally committed to the idea of becoming a participant in the lifestyle it may be best if you start off on your own and work yourself up to maybe finding a single women already playing in the lifestyle.
I think it’s important for you to do this because attempting to draw women into a relationship that you eventually turn around and suggest, “Hey baby let’s play with other people,” apparently is a bit scary for these little fawns.  Some women are able to have that openness in a new relationship but most won’t.
For example, Aarron and I have been together eight years and married four and it wasn’t until a couple years ago that I was ready to take the very intimate road to swinging.
It’s a larger commitment than you think to begin this venture and so these women aren’t even telling you they think you’re insane, they’re saying they aren’t ready and you have no right to ask them so soon.
I can’t speak for these women of course so I really don’t know how they feel, but I’ll tell you that if you’re getting into these relationships with hopes you’ll get them into the swinging sack you need to re evaluate your need for a serious girlfriend.
I just answered another single male question on how to approach a women’s husband at a social meet and greet, please read that and maybe begin researching where in your area you can participate.
I wish you the best of luck and hope you enter your next relationship with the intent of   developing an intimate connection built on trust and love and with NO other agenda.  It sometimes takes years (we know couples who didn’t start swinging until their 15 wedding anniversaries) to develop the type of relationship that can withstand the pressure and stress the lifestyle can sometimes present.  Don’t take swinging lightly and don’t assume it’s just sex and games.  A well formed relationship must be established in which to survive and thrive in the lifestyle.  The reason these women are running for the hills isn’t because you’re sexual desires freak them out, they’re running because the trust and commitment of the relationship hasn’t been formed before you turned on the red light.  Thank you so much for your question.

Answer:
By Aarron-
Not sure how long you have had these girlfriends before asking them to swing, so I am just going with the assumption of a year or less each.
First of all, building trust and a real partnership is very important before diving into swinging when it comes to most women. Security is what lets them go to that place in a world that calls the activity taboo.
You must remember that women live in a world where it is considered bad by the majority to have multiple sex partners. They are called sluts, whores, skanks, etc… all in a nasty manner for even having just 7 or 8 sexual lifetime partners. They are taught it devalues them. To be secure enough to jump into swinging most women need a partner they know will not judge them in that manner and who will stay with and support them.
With such a partner many women find the world of swinging an enlightening and empowering experience.
How women are viewed by the general masses when it comes to sexual activities is the very reason there are so few single women in swinging compared to single men.
Men are not judged in such ways.
So… How to suggest going to a swingers party for the first time…
If you have a girlfriend now and have not spoken about swinging to her, but wish to do so my suggestion is going slow.
Bring up swinging and other forms of nonmonogamy in ways that keep it outside of your own relationship.
Maybe talk about related news events, surveys, movies, etc…
This will get the ball rolling in the right direction and let you know where she stands on the subject.
If after a few weeks of this all seems cool, slowly start adding in suggestions as hypothetical type situations. Don’t rush it.
Women don’t want to feel pushed or rushed.
Eventually you can get to good fantasy play.
Once you have those bits in place (her views from discussions+fantasy talk) give it some more time before starting in with the “I would like to do that for real,” type talk. Once you start with that I suggest not doing it very much. A tiny mention twice in a month can keep it in her mind and let her build her own ideas on the subject. A mention every other day could make her think your just pushing her and that she isn’t enough for you.
If she doesn’t end up wanting to try it out in that way then it most likely isn’t a good idea anyway.
Scenario two is that you have a new girlfriend or are between girlfriends currently.
In this case my advice would be different.
You are not connected with this girl yet. No actual bonds or commitments exist.
In the same way as I mentioned above get the topic out there in the open.
Start a dialog from something related. News, TV characters, music, art, etc…
In this scenario however once that dialog has been started you should just jump in with your viewpoints.
Let it be known from the start that you think the idea of swinging is cool.
You are not a real couple yet, so there isn’t any huge pressure. It lays your cards on the table so the women knows what she will be getting into if she gets into a serious relationship with you.
Many will “run for the hills,” as Miranda said, but that is not a bad thing if becoming part of the lifestyle is a necessity for you.
It is better to just get it out there right away than spend months forming a relationship your not going to have success with or not be content with.
As for Miranda’s idea of finding a single woman who is already in the swingers lifestyle, best bet if your single at the the moment is to go that direction.
It wont be easy, but it does happen. We have met many couples who originally met as singles through lifestyle clubs and websites.
Good luck to you.

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His erection problems make me want a hall pass

by on Mar.11, 2011, under Insecurities, Unsorted

 

Question:
My husband sometimes has erection difficulties when swinging  and I often end up having to stop what I am doing to help him get his erection going. I really don’t mind doing this for him and I love us playing together, but sometimes I would just like to enjoy myself sexually without worrying about him and keeping a watchful eye in case my help is needed. We have never played separate and until recently I never wanted separate play. The idea of just being able to have great sex without being distracted sounds really good lately. Suggestions on how to ask a husband for a hall pass?
Suggestions on reasons I could give for wanting a hall pass besides telling him it’s to get a break from watching over him?

Answer:
By Miranda-
Although I don’t necassarily promote separate play and normally would warn against it, I think you and your husband may just want to try separate rooms at first. 
My husband and I  once played with a couple who the man had erection problems while watching his wife be fucked.  Seperate rooms would maybe take a little pressure off of you and your husband can concentrate on the other female. 
 Now I’m not saying your husband is having problems due to that specifically (could be a million little things) and I understand you’d like advice on getting a hall pass so here it is. 
Suggest that it might be fun for both of you to go out on the same night separately and then you take the husband home and the wife of the other couple takes your husband home. 
Then I suggest coming home that night and telling each other what you did with the other couple.  This way you two can replay the experiences  to each other and come together as a couple by communicating about the night. 
 I think couples in the lifestyle sometimes forget to communicate after a play date so this could be a great recap for you both. 
Consider  though that  making this suggestion could be a dangerous situation because you’re at one house and he’s at another, and if he has erection difficulties again…you can’t just run over.  Your husband counts on your for back up and moral support so if he’s not getting aroused with the other woman, he could have a terrible evening and that alone could cause MAJOR issues for you both.  
I can totally understand you wanting great sex without distractions, but if you’re into staying problem free in the lifestyle I truly suggest ticking this small speed bump out with your husband. 
Sometimes these things go away on their own and just take a little time.  
Another suggestion on how to get a hall pass…just ask!  Say, “Honey I would like a hall pass.”  When he asks why say, “I would like the experience and I’m willing to give you one as well.”  Honesty is the best policy in the lifestyle and so if after you ask and if a argument ensues it might be a good indication that a hall pass isn’t an option at the moment.  
This is to not say one day your husband might want one for himself. 
 Final suggestion, become an active crafter and get out construction paper, scissors, glitter, and markers and make a hall pass to give to your husband as a game.  
You two can give it back and forth freely as a reward for good behavior.  For example, say you had a really tough week and your husband has stood by you every step of the way…give him the hall pass, and vise-versa.  I’m very thankful for you great question and hope I have given you some  helpful ideas.  Thank you and good luck!

Answer:
By Aarron-
Since you mention really enjoying your play time together and that you don’t mind helping him out when he has erection issues I would say you are doing pretty well in the swinging arena overall.
The one thing that isn’t good is that he is regularly having erection issues in the first place.
If you are able to “help him out” every time it shows that his equipment is working fine and it’s just something going on in his head.
Whatever it is that is causing the erection issues needs to be figured out and corrected. It could be simple anxiety from a new partner. It could be much more complicated. Whatever it is takes away from the fun you are both having.
Get talking and figure out the root causes and work on them.
Your real question was about asking for a hall pass without telling your husband why and hurting his feelings.
That is an example of how things stack up.
If you addressed the first problem you wouldn’t have the second one of not wishing to explain why you want a hall pass.
Anyways… I really liked Miranda’s suggestions.
Going on separate dates with a couple you are already friendly with would certainly get you your alone time without having to worry about actually asking for a hall pass or explaining why. If it was suggested in the right way it would certainly do the trick.
Making an actual pass to hand back and forth would also turn it into a fun rather than awkward situation when it comes to bringing up the topic. Just be sure to give it to him first and in an enthusiastic playful manner. If presented correctly he will take it as a gift and in the end you get your hall pass.
My own manner of asking for a hall pass would be the simple “I want a hall pass” type statement/question personally.
I’m just simple that way I guess.
In my book simple is always best when it comes to asking for things.
However you decide to go about it I wish you good luck and hope that eventually you get to the root of the erection issues so that if ever you want a hall pass in the future it isn’t because you don’t want to watch over your husband.

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