The Swingers Attic

Tag: attraction

Confidence and a wife that goes for hotter guys

by on Aug.06, 2012, under Insecurities

Question:

We are newbies with experience. My wife is way hotter than me and always goes for guys that are way hotter than me. We always end up with couples exactly the opposite. Hot guy with less hot woman.
I’m not ugly in any way, just average. My wife seems to never be interested in men of my caliber though and always is after the male model looking guys. If the guy has a wife like that they usually say no thank you.
My wife not wanting to play with guys of my caliber and only going for the super studs is giving me a lot of insecurity. I have had fun, but am thinking to quit the lifestyle over it.

Answer:
By Miranda-
I’m sorry for your experiences with the “better looking” guys.
I totally understand where you’re coming from but want to remind you that swinging is a women powered sport. If the women likes the man…it’s a go, if the man wants the women he better pray she finds him attractive. It’s not fair, but very typical in the lifestyle.
I think what you need to do is sit down and talk to your wife about how you’re feeling. Make sure you convey how serious this is to you and how you’re feeling inadequate to the fabio’s she’s tending to be drawn to.
I think the one thing I dislike about swinging is it’s dating times four, which makes it that much harder. Everyone in the equation must say “game on” for the equation to work and sometimes rejection is gonna happen, but it shouldn’t be happening ALL the time. Let your wife know you don’t want to play if she’s going to continuously going to pick men and women she knows aren’t going to want to meet up.
I will add that a man is much sexier if he’s confident, so maybe your insecurities are not starting with being rejected but starting by believing you aren’t good looking.
Women are like animals, we sense when a man isn’t confident in himself, so whether it’s a profile picture or meeting one on one remember you’re only as good looking as you think you are…truly.
I think equality is SOOOO important in swinging, but remember sometimes it’s hard to find it.
Everyone has different tastes. I haven’t seen you, but believe you’re good looking to many women and just need the extra boost in knowing you are. You attracted your wife.
Let your wife know you need reassurance of your looks. Once she starts pumping you up I know for a fact you’ll feel sexier and more desirable which will in turn make you so. You’ll start feeling more confident and visually looking so. Try and think that the only thing average about you is your confidence so have a little faith in yourself and remember beauty is in the sparkle of your eyes. I know that sounds SOOOOOOO cheesy but it is true. When looking for a couple if the guy doesn’t sparkle his eyes at me I know he’s not interested or has lack of confidence. Never let them see you sweat, unless in the bedroom. Average is average but a man with sparkle in is eyes is totally sexy. Your wife should be giving you your sparkle. Thanks for writing in and remember communication is key in swinging so talk to your honey, I bet you’ll feel better after you do.

Answer:
By Aarron-
You say you are not ugly. Your just average. You say your wife is hotter than you. You always end up with couples exactly the opposite. “Hot guy with less hot woman.”
First I will say that what my wife says about confidence is true. Women love confidence.
Next I will say that if these couples you are getting together with where the wives are “less hot” are not doing it for you then you need to not be playing with such couples. Your doing exactly what you think you wish your wife to do.
She shouldn’t go for guys she isn’t attracted to and you shouldn’t go for women you are not into.
Take your time and look for couples you both find attraction with.
If your feeling these women whom you do find attractive are a higher caliber than yourself it will come across in how you act with them.
Needy, desperate, scared… are all things I am envisioning. None of those things will turn a woman on very often.
The women you do play with that you consider your caliber or less… how do you act with them?
I’m guessing more confident because you are not worried.
Act that way with everyone.

I would like to add that sexing it up with people you are not into is not very nice to the women in question. (at least not in my mind)
You wouldn’t want those girls of a higher caliber (as you put it) to have sex with you only because their spouse somehow got them to do so, or because they felt you where the best they could do… but would prefer someone different would you?
I wouldn’t.

Pick your partners based on desires. Your doing a disservice to both you and your partners if you don’t really want to be there.

Also… if you open your eyes a bit you will find that very few people are completely mismatched.
Why is the “male model looking guy” married to the woman?
Does he think it is a mismatch? He probably thinks she is the most awesome thing ever. That is probably why he married her. Just maybe he is a tad better looking, but maybe she is the best sex he ever had. Or maybe she is the sweetest thing under the sun.
More often than not though it is just a matter of personal tastes.
He may love thick thighs while you see fat. He may love small breasts while you see to skinny. He may like really short girls while you are into super tall.
He most likely considers his wife much more beautiful than yours.
You obviously (from what you’ve said) consider your wife more beautiful than his.
That is just fine. It is your wife. The girl YOU thought was so amazing you needed to marry her.
That girl who isn’t exactly your favorite is that “male model looking guy’s” version of someone so amazing he wanted to get married to her.

 

 

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Canceling because the wife lacks sex appeal

by on Jul.23, 2012, under Lifestyle Etiquette, Newbie Help, Playing with others, Unsorted

My husband and I are new to this lifestyle and we had our first
encounter with another couple in February. Like you both we(my husband
and I) consider ourselves “social swingers” we would like to forge
a relationship as friends and get to know the couple better before
moving forward.

His wife does not live in the country and she visits occasionally. In
February we meet 2 times, the 1st time for dinner where we had nice
conversation about the lifestyle and what we like and what they like
and past experiences good and bad. The 2nd time(in February) we went
out in a club environment and there was very little conversation as we
met up with another group of friends and didn’t really get to know
them. They were very patient and understanding for us as newbies!!

Within that time to now we have been in contact with her husband via
email and hung out once or twice. He (the husband) is really nice and
appealing to me, my husband find he is very nice as well, personality
and charm. Just as a note:- one of their rules are they always
“play” together and in the same room. We were ready to go if they
“played” separately. One of my husband fantasies is seeing me with
another man. Just hanging out with the husband added excitement to our
sex lives!!

Question:

The wife came back to visit last week and we meet twice so far and had
much more meaningful conversations, getting to know the wife better.
The predicament we are in right now is that the wife is not appealing
sexually to either my husband or myself. We have formed a cool
relationship with the husband but his wife lacks personality and sex
appeal. The wife leaves later in the week and they have invited us
over to their place, to have some fun before she leaves.

We are really do not want to go through with it anymore but we are not
sure what to say or how to turn down the offer without offending them.
We don’t want them to feel like we have strung them along either. We
also feel a bit rushed as they (the couple) want to get down to
business quickly before the wife leaves.
Can you please offer some advice on how to deal with this?

Answer:
By Miranda-
My personal belief on this matter is to just make yourselves busy until the wife leaves and then gradually and painlessly disconnect with the husband.  If they only play together then there is your answer…let him go!  They may be nice people and you don’t want to hurt  their feeling but truly do you really want to say,” hey listen we totally want the mister for a threesome but you remind me of a door mat and we just can’t find you appealing?”  No you don’t so do this with grace and consideration, let the connection go quietly and he won’t even know you did it.  Something just came up and you two can’t make it…enough said.  Yes they will wonder if you’re blowing them off but really in the grand scheme of things they will already know that if you put yourselves in a sexual situation that you and your husband aren’t comfortable with.  I usually say honesty is the best policy but…in this case to avoid ill feeling just make yourselves unavailable. Hope I have helped and thanks for writing in, happy swingin!

Answer:
By Aarron-
I am in total agreement with my wife on this one.
That is how we would handle it ourselves because 1) My wife does most of the pre-date chatty stuff, & 2) almost any other scenario would cause some sort of hurt feelings needlessly.
I would especially say that in your case as self described “newbies” taking one for the team or offering up a fuck to not offend or hurt feelings is not a great idea.
Hope it all works out for you.

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