The Swingers Attic

Tag: attraction

Reciprocity in taking one for the team?

by on Aug.11, 2011, under Lifestyle Etiquette, Playing with others

Question:

I have been taking one for my team with a guy who I would skip over in
a heartbeat if his wife wasn’t my husbands #1 favorite of all time
play partner. The guy isn’t exactly bad, he is just boring and not my
type. My question to you is if you think my husband owes me the same
courtesy? He will not even consider a couple if the woman isn’t exactly
to his liking no matter what my opinion of them are. I’m feeling like
I’m getting the short end of the stick.

Answer:
By Miranda-
Okay, so in my opinion without beating around the bush, and hopefully without losing too many followers, yes he owes you a play-date with someone you are as equally into.
In the swinging community we all know that sometimes the left shoe doesn’t look the same as the right and I don’t want to call it, “taking one for the team” because I know I wouldn’t want someone referring to me as that, but I’ll call it going along for the ride.  *Lol* it sounds nicer!
I think it’s really important to let your husband know that at any time you have the right to refuse service and he should appreciate you being a full service bar.  Let him know that while you do enjoy him enjoying himself, you also deserve the chance at such bliss in the lifestyle, and maybe feel like you should take a break from this couple until you can both find a couple you both dig equally.
I want to tell my readers I have found one man (that I have had sex with) to be completely non sex compatible (that’s also me being nice) with me in the lifestyle and we never saw them again because of that.  Aarron was REALLY into her and he knew I was going along for the ride and to be honest I was glad to do so.  He was like a school boy with this women and I found it adorable,  BUT he didn’t let me do it again and again for his own enjoyment!!!!!  It was a one shot encounter.
Tell your husband no more playdates with this couple until you get a Hercules just like he had his Zena, darn it! Make sure he knows you do it for him…EVERYTIME… with this couple.  Let him know you deserve goodness too and refuse to settle every time.  Be strong, and girl it’s okay in a situation like this to put your foot down, after all it’s your body and your experience.  You call the shots!  Good luck and I hope you find your Hercules.

Answer:
By Aarron-
This is a touchy subject because many people in the lifestyle don’t like to admit they sometimes “take one for the team,” or maybe are the one that someone is thinking of in that context.
The reality is that it happens to a small extent pretty often with any couple that plays regularly.
It is rare to find the perfect match. One spouse is often more desirable than the other, and that is just the way it is. Looks, personality, bedroom skills, etc… all make a person attractive and desirable in swinging. Finding a couple where both are A+ top shelf perfect is about as likely as a pig with wings. If you do find them it is not likely they will think the same of you. Tastes do differ.
When you do find that perfect play partner it is very doubtful their spouse will be your husbands perfect partner.
Conclusion = Your definitely getting the short end of the stick.
Your husband needs to learn and play fair. Equality in the enjoyment department, or as close as you can find is important.
I’m glad you said “The guy isn’t exactly bad, he is just boring and not my type” when describing your situation.
If you had said he was horrible I would have had to rant.
It isn’t good for you or the other people involved when such things are going on.
Nobody wants to find out that someone they have been having sex with repeatedly wasn’t enjoying it. I’m guessing you have been, but you know you could be having more fun in another situation. That is actually OK in my book. Not all sex partners are going to measure up equal. They don’t need to measure up perfectly. They are PLAY partners only. Good friends if your lucky. They are not life mates.
If you really don’t like it at all though… Stop! If the sex is horrible… Stop! If the evenings are not fun at all…Stop!
My advice on getting your husband to play fair with you in couples selection is to do as my wife said and put your foot down.
If he doesn’t wish to play fair then he doesn’t get to play.
That is how I would handle it.

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Finding balance in picking swinger couples

by on Feb.08, 2011, under Couples Dating, Lifestyle Etiquette

Question:
My husband claims that every time we have swapped partners he has felt like he has gotten the short end of the stick because I always pick couples with good looking men and non attractive women.
He also claims that I never let him pick the couples because he picks couples with very attractive women and I don’t like them. The reality is that the few couples he has picked happen to have completely unattractive males that I can’t even imagine their wives liking. How do we solve this?

Answer:
By Miranda-
I can tell you every couple in the lifestyle deals with this situation on a regular basis.
It seems to me it just takes tons of patience and a lot of hard work to find couples that are equally pleasing to the eyes.
Just think about being bisexual and having to find two people you’re attracted to, and interested in playing with. Just because a woman is willing to play with me doesn’t always mean I am attracted to her.
So back to your question “how do we solve this?” To be one hundred percent honest…You don’t! Its kinda of one in a million shot you’re both going to find both people in a couple attractive. 
My husband and I have learned that sometimes going to meet a couple can really put it in perspective.  For example, we have met couples that the guy is SO funny and out going I didn’t care he looked like baby huewie.  My husband on the other hand has met woman who look absolutely amazing in their pictures to only find that in person they have gained 30 pounds, aged 10 years, and come with attitude.  Not a real turn on!  So really I think its all trial and error. 
You will sometimes find a matching set and other times not.  What one person looks like the other usually makes up for in personality.  If you’re the type of swinger that I call “in it to win it,” you probably need a matching Ken and Barbie. 
My husband and I are not “in it to win it,” and although looks are important in the lifestyle find that half the time we choose couples based on personality and interest and not their physical appearance. 
 Its a journey and in it we find imperfection and frustration but sometimes just meeting up for a drink can change a maybe to a “lets do it!”  Look inside as well as out sometimes there are beautiful things you never expected.

Answer:
By Aarron-
Doesn’t sound like your husband is “taking one for the team” as we say in swinger land, but he is feeling like he is getting the short end of the sick anyway.
I can relate in a way to his situation because we as a couple both have to be into our partners and never “take one for the team, so it limits our playing field so to speak.
For some reason we often end up with couples that include a very handsome, well spoken , athletic male and a pretty good looking but super cool wife.
They make the play grade because I very much put personality above just visuals and I like these women.
I am not sacrificing at all.
We do notice it though.
After a big string of such couples my wife actually did take one for the team without letting me know until afterwards.
She thought it was my turn to have the hottie I guess.
It was a girl I really liked and she new I wanted bad.
It was awesome… until I found out after that she really wasn’t into the guy and was just doing it on my behalf.
I thought it unfair to her and to the guy (even though he didn’t know)
If you are not into “taking one for the team,” and your husband isn’t either then there is no way you will always be sure to have at least one of you getting that perfect sex partner.
It is always going to be a state of compromise at some level.

I only can give you three  bits of advice here.
1) If your husband actually describes these women he is having sex with as “non attractive” then he needs to suck it up and not “take one for the team” for you anymore.
It is not fare to the women involved if nothing else.
2) Make sure your husband has a bit more active role in picking couples.
If he thinks you are the picker then most likely you are being overly demanding in your selections and negating his to abruptly without giving them enough thought.
3) Give these guys with the super sexy wives a chance. When an extremely sexy person seems way more attractive than their spouse it is usually for a good reason. Guy or gal… doesn’t matter.
A super hottie can easily find another super hottie.
That visually mismatched spouse that you “can’t even imagine their wives liking,” probably more than makes up for it in some other way. Maybe he is super smart and charming. Maybe his sense of humor is what makes him attractive. Maybe he is the best dang sex she ever had.
Not to sound rude, but I have had some of the worst sex with the most physically perfect women. It takes more than looking like a centerfold to be good in bed.

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