The Swingers Attic

Tag: bisexual

Swinger couples, open relationships, and lesbians

by on Nov.09, 2011, under Unsorted

Question:

Hi, a couple weeks ago National coming out day happened to fall on our casual dress day at work so I took advantage of it and wore an I’m out and proud shirt to work. That was my way of letting people know I was a lesbian. A couple people asked about it and that was that.
Within the week though two coworkers privately told me that they are bisexual. One of them is married and also a swingers and have an open relationship. I have always thought she was fun and attractive so I have an interest, but I am not sure how to proceed because she is married. I’ve met her husband before, and he is a nice guy, but I’m not interested in men at all. Do swingers separately date much? Would I be asking for trouble by pursuing a possible relationship with this girl? I understand that swingers are not monogamous so am fine with that. I am just worried that I could become attached and then be pressured by her husband or that I could embarrass myself by going for something that is against swingers rules.

Answer:
By Miranda-
First and foremost a gigantic BRAVO girly for coming out on the national coming out day.  That takes a lot of courage and I’m SO proud of you even though we’ve never met.
As for your coworker lady wanting to possibly hook up I Suggest getting together with her and her husband and talking about the situation.  Is this a girl you want to pursue a serious relationship with or someone who you’d like as a play partner.  You’re not a swinger so you may not be able to stay unattached, so think all angles through before you proceed.
There are plenty of couples in the lifestyle that play separately or have other partners that they’re in relationships with.  The one thing I adore about the lifestyle is that not one relationship is the same in its play scenarios, likes and dislikes, or rules and regulations.  The trick is to have open communication from day one.  What are they into?  What are you looking for?  Will you be alone in a bedroom with this female playing  or are you comfortable having the husband watch?  Is she looking long term or short?
Please make it clear you’re NOT interested in playing with the husband because lines can sometimes get crossed.  Make ALL of your intentions clear, make it clear you need them to clarify as well and then weigh the pros and cons and go from there.
I personally wouldn’t play or start a sexual relationship with a co worker but I work in ALL female environment so it’s like having too many hens in the hen house.  I always look out of my workplace for female companionship.  I wish you luck in your pursuit and hope all works out for the best.  Thank you for opening up your life to us and congratulations on your recent decision to not let a difference in sexuality dictate how you live your life…. simply beautiful!!!!

Answer:
By Aarron-
Swingers all have one thing in common. They in some manner open their sex lives to include others. Besides that they are as different as any other group.
Many swingers have a rule of “We only play together or not at all.”
Others are more open and do whatever they wish without even consulting each other. Most fall in the middle of those two extremes.
So because the girl you are interested in has said she is a swinger and in an open relationship could mean a ton of different things the only advice I can give is to have a sit down with first her, and then both of them to find out exactly what an open relationship is in their minds, and what type of swinging they do. When I say have a sit down I am not talking a 21 questions grill them on facts session, I am talking about just getting together and asking some questions as part of a friendly chat. Though swingers are usually pretty secretive, once they have told you of their status they are usually very willing to share all the details of their relationship and play styles.
As my wife mentioned dating within the workplace… so shall I.
That is a topic completely separate from your question, but please keep it in mind that even tough you are now out as a lesbian your coworker is not out as a swinger and the repercussions of being outed as a swinger are sometimes great.
It is politically and socially taboo to bash, be cruel, practice discrimination, etc… against gays, bisexuals, and transgendered people. Those who would wish to do so must bite their tongues, and if they are willing to face some heat or even legal actions they will still tone it down a bit.
Swingers have no such protection. Swingers are in general frowned on by the media and offered no sympathy in our current political climate. Please keep that in mind as you consider pursuing any sort of relationship with your coworker beyond that of just friendly.

Ask a question concerning nonmonogamy for advice or opinions on The Swingers Attic

Leave a Comment :, , , , , , , , , more...

Halloween worries and a girl from work

by on Nov.07, 2011, under Unsorted

Question:

My work throws an annual Halloween party that is such a big affair we feel obligated to attend so we miss out on a lot of wild lifestyle fun, but this year we even went a step further with my husband being one of the designated drivers. The last person we brought home after the party was very drunk and talked us into coming inside to hang out for a while. I was very drunk too and I flirt a lot when drunk. We ended up having a threesome. My husband is now regretful and though it was me who started it all claims it was his fault because he was sober. The girl is a long time friend of mine and she talks a lot so my husband is sure she will eventually tell people. I’m not so sure and keep telling my husband that it wouldn’t make much of a difference anyway. He is a machinist and part owner. He is just worried about people talking. We have been in the lifestyle for close to ten years. I keep asking him what the worst that could happen is, and he keeps saying your just not supposed to tell and that people wont understand. I think it may be a good thing even if she talks. It would be nice not to lie to our friends all the time about who our other friends are and why we can’t invite them along sometimes when we go out.  I’d like to hear your opinions on this.
Thanks for the great site. I read it mostly for fun, and have wished a few times I had something to write in about. Now I do. I should add that we have been toying with the idea of exploring polyamory, but my husbands fear of people talking has been the big hurdle.

Answer:
By Miranda-
I think its okay that you played with this girl from your work.  I don’t think the situation poses a threat to you or your husband…or the girl.  Your husband needs to remember that this lady played too, she wasn’t just watching so unless she’s openly bisexual and wants everyone to know her business I think you two are safe.  Also if she’s a long time friend of yours just ask her to come over to talk about the play night you had.  Ask her how she’s feeling about it and in turn you’ll know where she stands with the whole thing.
Just assuming she’s going to spill the beans is a little presumptuous of your husband so with open lines of communication all will be revealed.  If you’re feeling strange about asking her to your house maybe ask her to lunch so you can talk.  I always say communication is key and I’m a firm believer of that.  Talk to her, tell her your concerns and go from there.  You don’t know until you know so…find it out.
You mentioned wanting a polyamory type relationship possibly one day (not necessarily with this girl) well I’ll tell you that relationship isn’t EVEN possible if you don’t practice complete honesty in the first place.
I hope I’ve helped a little and encouraged you to be true to yourselves and open up to this female with your worries and even possibly your expectations for future encounters with her if at all.  Maybe she’s thinking, “Omg I’m so embarrassed because I felt comfortable with this couple and they haven’t talked to me and I really liked them and hoped for a budding relationship.”  Or maybe she’s regretful and needs to be reassured it’s okay. Or worse scenario she’s thinking,  ”What if they tell people????” lol  You’ll never know until you ask her so just ask!

Answer:
By Aarron-
Though I usually always take the stance of keeping sex and relationships out of the workplace, the situation you describe doesn’t sound like it is much of a possible problem. Not saying that it couldn’t become one, but as you described it I think all sounds pretty good.
She is a long time friends so you can easily talk to her about the situation. Do so.
It is that simple.
If she really is a friend she should respect your wishes of privacy. Also you could be reassuring her of the same thing. If she hasn’t mentioned it yet then it is a safe bet she doesn’t plan on it, and may actually be worried you will spill the beans.
On the subject of your husbands worries… He is right. Being out as a lifestyler will make people talk. They will talk a lot. Some people will possibly even distance themselves from you. People you thought to be friends will turn out to be judgmental assholes. People you may think wouldn’t understand at all will come forward with questions and support. You will most likely be surprised by the various reactions. The only for sure reaction will be that many will will talk, and many won’t understand.

On a personal note I will say that I am in support of anyone who can be out as non-monogamous being out.
I believe that the more people who do let it be known the better people who are monogamous will understand.
It doesn’t matter if you identify as a swinger, poly or both when it comes to the value of being out for society. It gives people a real face to the concept rather than what they get from rumors or media hype.
When you tell a vanilla you are a swinger there is a good chance they think you are having random key party sex. They may think you attend orgies and participate with every single person who makes an advance. They may think you are being abused and forced into such actions by your husband.
Those are a few general misconceptions of many vanillas because they have never had anyone real to associate with the concept. Everyone who is out helps dispel those misconceptions.

 

Swingers Attic Questions And Answers Ask A Question Advice Page
Questions about swinging?

Leave a Comment :, , , , , , , , more...

swingers attic