The Swingers Attic

Tag: communication

Opening Pandora’s box and blocking emotions

by on Nov.03, 2011, under Insecurities, Newbie Help, Playing with others

Question:

The other night was mine and my husband first couple experience, he had
allowed me to play with other women alone before but this was our
first time playing together so we were both nervous in the beginning
but we started with some exhibition to break the ice,but when he wanted
the other female I was sooo uncomfortable I withdrew myself from
participation,and as he did other sexual acts with this woman I felt
even more hurt like he wasn’t mine anymore. Even though I had allowed
him to play,and even encouraged it I felt like he was at fault for
wanting her. Now I just feel stupid for even opening pandora’s box. I
want to get past my hurt and continue in the lifestyle because I’m the
one who pursued it. Do you have any tips on how to block some the
emotion so we can continue participating in the lifestyle?

Answer:
By Miranda-
Blocking emotions in this lifestyle when open communications is essential truly is not advised.
You need to let your husband know exactly how you feel. Tell him you were really uncomfortable with the situation and you wished you had communicated that at the time because now you feel as if you opened a can of worms and don’t want to put them on your fishing line anymore.
Allow yourself to feel the emotions you feel because shutting them in and playing anyway truly is a recipe for divorce (whether you think so or not) or the making of a dishonest sexual relationship that will eventually lead to lifestyle insecurities and blaming the other for the way you feel.  You’ll begin pointing fingers at each other and it won’t take long before the situation is totally out of control.
I know it’s cheesy, but honesty is the best policy.  For all you know your husband didn’t enjoy playing with this this women and did it because he thought you wanted him to.  Point out the elephant in the room, don’t just try putting a sheet over him.  This may even help you feel more comfortable with your husband playing with other females in the long run because you’ll know that if you’re uncomfortable with the situation you can stop play or at least feel comfortable with coming to him with your feelings after.
I will say after having this talk with your husband maybe give the lifestyle a little break and sort through all the emotions in your head, and then try playing with a female again just to make sure it wasn’t a first time uncomfortable event.
Sometimes couples face insecurities in the lifestyle and it’s essential to talk it out to move forward or backwards in the lifestyle.  Never move too fast and never move without a strategy.  If after some time you try playing again and feel the same way then swinging may not be for you, but hey I’m the type of person who’ll try anything twice, so maybe give it a shot.
First get it all out there how the night made you feel and then decide what to do next.  Your husband isn’t going to punish you because you were uncomfortable when you were the one who originally wanted to do it, and if he does then your relationship isn’t strong enough to swing in the first place.  Thank you for your openness with us and I wish you all the best when you open up to your husband.

Answer:
By Aarron-
First I would like to say that you went through an experience that many thousands of people have gone through. You are not alone.
You like playing with other girls, and you thought you would be OK with a threesome, but the real deal didn’t fit emotionally like it did as a fantasy or hypothetical situation.
You had a bit of jealousy, you became freaked out, and your thoughts ran crazy.
I have heard your exact scenario from both men and women about first time swinging adventures many times. I have heard them from people who swing and people who don’t swing when they find out that I do. They tell me their horror story so to speak, and then ask how I cope.
I tell them it has never been an issue for me because I have always disconnected the act of sex from that of love. I have also never connected sex with proprietorship over another individual.
From your reaction to the situation you obviously do both. It made you feel loss. It confused you.
Dampening your emotions is not the way to go.
Suppressing such feelings isn’t healthy. I have met couples who had success after such an experience just by pushing through it and swinging until they didn’t care so much, but I have seen that become a bad situation too.
My advice is to step back and think. Think about the fact that people can have great sex with people they just met and don’t even know their names. Realize that if you did such a thing you would not love your husband any less. Realize that if your husband did such a thing he would love you still and still be yours as you put it. He certainly wouldn’t belong to lady X that he didn’t even know the name of.
Marriage is not about sex. Ask 90% of men who have been married over ten years and you will find that one is true. (Though many will wish it was more about sex)
You say “I want to get past my hurt and continue in the lifestyle because I’m the one who pursued it.”
That is not the best reason to continue. Weigh your pros and cons when it comes to the lifestyle. Ask yourself what you think you will get out of pursuing it. Ask yourself what problems you may deal with, and if it is worth it. Don’t do it just because you originally wanted to do so.
If you soul search and find you do wish to participate in swinging, but don’t want to have the same experience repeat then you should slow down and set some boundaries to protect yourself.
If you are only engaging in threesomes with other women then maybe you could start with an anything goes between you and the other girl, but your husband may only ________. (fill in the blank)
As you get used to his more limited play you can open it up a bit.
“Honey, I’d like you to ________ next time.” type of thing.
If you are playing with couples then maybe soft swing and have an only go as far as I do type rule.
It is hard to get jealous when you are leading the way and setting the pace. It even can become a sort of secret game between you.
Play within your comfort boundaries.
Boundaries can be very important, and crossing them takes the fun away from it all. If it isn’t going to be fun there is no point in swinging.
Whatever you do… blocking emotion is usually a dangerous path, and it is not one I recommend.
I truly hope you are able to work your way through this and enjoy because I am guessing that it is something you wish to do for yourself even more than because you were the one to originally pursue it.
Set boundaries and talk it to death until your comfortable. Go slow, and be careful. If you do, you’ll more than likely be amazed at how soon those boundaries will expand.

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Aggressive men and going too far

by on Oct.24, 2011, under Unsorted

Question:

My husband and I met two males, who live with girlfriends about 3
years ago through a website. Over the course of 1 year, one of the
males went his own way, but I continued to see one of them. I found
this man occasionally aggressive and would have to “hold him at
bay”, but he would back off when asked. My husband was more turned
on if I played alone with this man. The second last time, he was
entering me aggressively, which caused bleeding and cramping.
Fortunately, my husband attended and was able to drive me home. The
last time I met this man alone in his hotel room. He did not provide
foreplay and simply stated, I want to “F” your brains out. He
moved me quickly to the bed and started entering me immediately. I
started to talk to him to get him to stop. He also was smacking my
fanny intermittently, which “jolted me “. I was not enjoying
myself and started to have sharp abdominal cramping. I jumped from the
bed the use the washroom. I felt extremely dizzy in the washroom so I
went to the main area and sat against a wall. This man offered me
water, but started saying “Wow, I don’t want the paramedics to
come here.” He gave me my clothes and I left. Two days later he
emailed about me coming over to see him, in which I vented about why I
was upset about the whole thing and did not want to see him again. Do
you think I overreacted?

Answer:
By Miranda-
OMG girl!!!!!  The situation you described not only made me feel extremely sad for you, but also sick to my stomach and slightly dizzy myself.  First and foremost I don’t care if your husband gets turned on by this male sexing you up, if he’s causing you pain and you aren’t enjoying yourself that’s enough for you to let your husband know, “Hey I’m not into him!!!!”
If your comfort zone has been crossed and you’re experiencing vaginal bleeding, cramping and dizzy spells I think you know the answer to your question, NOOOOOOO you didn’t overreact.
Your husband should have put the stop to this play mate a LONG time ago and shame on him for not telling the guy off.  You should be a trophy for your husband and not a rag doll for men HE enjoys watching “FUCK” you.
In the lifestyle my husband and I only play together due to our mutual belief that just because my husband respects other women doesn’t necessarily mean other men do.
To go to the extreme what if this man decided to get even more rough and NOT stop when you jumped up and proceeded to rape you?  What if he went too far?  I hate to scare you, but personally you and your husband need to be on the same page and show caution with playmates.
That playmate not only disrespects you, but ALL women when he plays too rough and causes you to question yourself.  ”Did you overreact?” NO you under reacted in my opinion, and personally if your husband isn’t wiling to back you up then you need to tell this guy to take a long walk off a short pier.
Now on the subject of your husband and please remember I don’t know your marital situation or relationship at all, but if my husband didn’t have MY back when it came to swinging and I was not comfortable with a male and he wanted me to continue seeing him, I’d tell him swinging wasn’t an option for us anymore.
A big part of the lifestyle for a couple is communication, understanding and working things out as a team.
If your husband isn’t willing to do that, then honey I’m sorry he’s in it for himself and himself alone.
I wish you SO much comfort right now and hope you can allow yourself the strength to set things right with this disrespectful low life playmate (tell him to forget your number girly) and communicate your needs to your husband. You need him to respect you and be behind you ALL the way in your sexual decisions.
Thank you also for confiding in us, I really hope I gave you a little more of what my sister likes to call, WOMEN POWER!!!!!!

Answer:
By Aarron-
I myself am not into aggressive sex, so I am coming at this from the perspective of someone on the outside.
I can only assume that you are into aggressive sex because of how long you have played with this individual, but into it or not… If you are bleeding vaginally, cramping, and having dizziness, then you know things are going a bit far for safety’s sake.
Also you state that during this last encounter you were not enjoying yourself and were asking him to stop. Did he stop immediately? If he did then I would say it was a case of being to rough and nothing else, but if he continued for even a moment after you asked him to chill then the guy in question is not a safe playmate in any manner.
As for the case of how your husband deals with all this… I’m going with the assumption still that aggressive sex is your thing.
Even if aggressive sex is your thing it is not safe for your husband to have you playing alone with single men who are into aggressive sex to the point you describe. It is dangerous and your husband should be there to make sure such play doesn’t go too far.
He should also be very aware of what your limits are in such types of play and be respectful of those limits.
The same goes for your choice in play partners. There are millions of potential playmates out there for you to potentially play with so no need to have sex with somebody you are not wishing to or even unsure of for that matter.
My advice to you is to cut off play with the guy in question and then have a huge discussion with your husband about your personal limits, respecting those boundaries, and his role in your swinging adventures.

 

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