The Swingers Attic

Tag: confidence

Confidence and a wife that goes for hotter guys

by on Aug.06, 2012, under Insecurities

Question:

We are newbies with experience. My wife is way hotter than me and always goes for guys that are way hotter than me. We always end up with couples exactly the opposite. Hot guy with less hot woman.
I’m not ugly in any way, just average. My wife seems to never be interested in men of my caliber though and always is after the male model looking guys. If the guy has a wife like that they usually say no thank you.
My wife not wanting to play with guys of my caliber and only going for the super studs is giving me a lot of insecurity. I have had fun, but am thinking to quit the lifestyle over it.

Answer:
By Miranda-
I’m sorry for your experiences with the “better looking” guys.
I totally understand where you’re coming from but want to remind you that swinging is a women powered sport. If the women likes the man…it’s a go, if the man wants the women he better pray she finds him attractive. It’s not fair, but very typical in the lifestyle.
I think what you need to do is sit down and talk to your wife about how you’re feeling. Make sure you convey how serious this is to you and how you’re feeling inadequate to the fabio’s she’s tending to be drawn to.
I think the one thing I dislike about swinging is it’s dating times four, which makes it that much harder. Everyone in the equation must say “game on” for the equation to work and sometimes rejection is gonna happen, but it shouldn’t be happening ALL the time. Let your wife know you don’t want to play if she’s going to continuously going to pick men and women she knows aren’t going to want to meet up.
I will add that a man is much sexier if he’s confident, so maybe your insecurities are not starting with being rejected but starting by believing you aren’t good looking.
Women are like animals, we sense when a man isn’t confident in himself, so whether it’s a profile picture or meeting one on one remember you’re only as good looking as you think you are…truly.
I think equality is SOOOO important in swinging, but remember sometimes it’s hard to find it.
Everyone has different tastes. I haven’t seen you, but believe you’re good looking to many women and just need the extra boost in knowing you are. You attracted your wife.
Let your wife know you need reassurance of your looks. Once she starts pumping you up I know for a fact you’ll feel sexier and more desirable which will in turn make you so. You’ll start feeling more confident and visually looking so. Try and think that the only thing average about you is your confidence so have a little faith in yourself and remember beauty is in the sparkle of your eyes. I know that sounds SOOOOOOO cheesy but it is true. When looking for a couple if the guy doesn’t sparkle his eyes at me I know he’s not interested or has lack of confidence. Never let them see you sweat, unless in the bedroom. Average is average but a man with sparkle in is eyes is totally sexy. Your wife should be giving you your sparkle. Thanks for writing in and remember communication is key in swinging so talk to your honey, I bet you’ll feel better after you do.

Answer:
By Aarron-
You say you are not ugly. Your just average. You say your wife is hotter than you. You always end up with couples exactly the opposite. “Hot guy with less hot woman.”
First I will say that what my wife says about confidence is true. Women love confidence.
Next I will say that if these couples you are getting together with where the wives are “less hot” are not doing it for you then you need to not be playing with such couples. Your doing exactly what you think you wish your wife to do.
She shouldn’t go for guys she isn’t attracted to and you shouldn’t go for women you are not into.
Take your time and look for couples you both find attraction with.
If your feeling these women whom you do find attractive are a higher caliber than yourself it will come across in how you act with them.
Needy, desperate, scared… are all things I am envisioning. None of those things will turn a woman on very often.
The women you do play with that you consider your caliber or less… how do you act with them?
I’m guessing more confident because you are not worried.
Act that way with everyone.

I would like to add that sexing it up with people you are not into is not very nice to the women in question. (at least not in my mind)
You wouldn’t want those girls of a higher caliber (as you put it) to have sex with you only because their spouse somehow got them to do so, or because they felt you where the best they could do… but would prefer someone different would you?
I wouldn’t.

Pick your partners based on desires. Your doing a disservice to both you and your partners if you don’t really want to be there.

Also… if you open your eyes a bit you will find that very few people are completely mismatched.
Why is the “male model looking guy” married to the woman?
Does he think it is a mismatch? He probably thinks she is the most awesome thing ever. That is probably why he married her. Just maybe he is a tad better looking, but maybe she is the best sex he ever had. Or maybe she is the sweetest thing under the sun.
More often than not though it is just a matter of personal tastes.
He may love thick thighs while you see fat. He may love small breasts while you see to skinny. He may like really short girls while you are into super tall.
He most likely considers his wife much more beautiful than yours.
You obviously (from what you’ve said) consider your wife more beautiful than his.
That is just fine. It is your wife. The girl YOU thought was so amazing you needed to marry her.
That girl who isn’t exactly your favorite is that “male model looking guy’s” version of someone so amazing he wanted to get married to her.

 

 

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First swap turned into bad half swap

by on Aug.06, 2011, under Insecurities, Newbie Help, Playing with others

Question:

My husband and I have talked about swapping partners for almost 2 years and we finally decided to go through with it. We had a few dinner dates and also spent a lot of time on web cam and texting with the couple before we set a date. Everything went great until the actual sex. The foreplay was great and the guy put a condom on and entered me. I orgasmed in less than 10 seconds I think. For some reason that made my husband cum. They had not gotten to the fucking yet. She was giving him head still. My husband got all weird and just watched us silently while the guy fucked me. The mans wife couldn’t get my husband into going for another round. My partner stopped and I don’t think he came, but he was nice and acted like he had. We all said our goodbyes and headed home. My husband made a few comments about not getting any and seemed jealous that I did.
He doesn’t answer the woman’s texts now and says sarcastic things if I get a text from them.
They want to see us again and said they would make sure my husband started first so he would feel better. They are experienced swingers and said they understand and still want to play. I know my husband is being childish and is embarrassed. I also know he really wanted to swing. I think he is afraid to try again. Any advice on how to make him feel better and give it a go would be appreciated. Thanks.

Answer:
By Miranda-
I think when you and your spouse decide to take the plunge it’s really important if a situation arises to communicate your intentions after.
I recommend you to sit down with your husband and let him know how you feel. Something like “Hey honey, I remember this was something WE both wanted to experience, it’s really important to OUR relationship that we talk this out because at the end of our playdate I needed us to reconnect (whether that be with sex or communication) and we didn’t.  I feel like because maybe this first playdate wasn’t ideal for you, you have taken it out a little on myself and the couple we played with by not texting the female back.  What can I do next time to  make sure you have the best time you can have?”
So that is the conversation I would start with your husband!
I also would like to point out that from experience Aarron has (and yes honey I’m using you as an example) came before things really have gotten going, and what I will do in a situation like that is try to guide the attention to him and off of my playmate.  I know that in this situation it was difficult because  your playmate was in you but I can tell you that in such a situation I would be the only person who can get my husband up again for sure.
Remember that at the end of the night you’re going home with your spouse and this is an experience that can build intimacy or take it away if communication of the night isn’t brought forth.  I’m not saying you did anything wrong, I’m just telling you from my sexual playdate experiences what has helped out our own relationship.
I’ve also not gone over to my husband while he needed me and believe me at the end of the night I really wish I had.  Tensions runs deep when your spouse believes you can read their mind and then you fail.
I think that maybe your husband is embarrassed, and I think you two need to talk about it.
I also think that because this is your first time you definitely have that going for you.
I also want you to let your husband know how sexy he was while doing whatever he was doing before hand. (getting his cock sucked for example)  Men need to know what they were doing turned their wife on as well, so even if he came too early give him the reassurance he needs because after all the only one who can is you.  Not the other couple and not another playdate with the other couple but… you!  Sometimes just stroking a man’s ego back into swinging is all it takes, but communication is also extremely essential.
I think it’s safe to say your husband probably won’t want to give it another go with the same couple but he might after you try a few more.  Make sure you let this couple know how much you appreciate their wanting a second date, and let them know you definitely will talk to your husband about it and keep them posted.
Your husband learns from experience, if you turned the corner on your way to work and found the road covered in nails would you on the next day take the same route to work???  I wouldn’t in fear the person who cleaned them up didn’t get them all.  Now would you then everyday pick another road to travel on for the rest of your life in fear you may run over a nail…NO!!!
Your husband needs time to get it together in his head and also an understanding and reassuring wife to help him find another road.  I hope my advice helped and you get back into the swing of things.  Thank you for your question!

Answer:
By Aarron-
I am guessing he is feeling foolish, embarrassed, and possibly not up to the task of swinging.
His manhood has been laid low from the experience.
In my swinging experiences I have had a few mishaps myself.
1) I drank too much at a party and when we retired to a hotel room afterwards I had a less than perfect erection.
To combat the situation I went as fast and hard as I could to get some sensation (it was a bit numb) and ended up lasting a whole 5 minutes or so. Lucky for me the gal I was with was at about the same level of intoxication. We played again a few weeks later minus the huge amounts of alcohol to make up for it.
2) I don’t dig pain and a woman bit me hard. Hard enough that I lost my erection from it. I know my cock, and I was not worried. I told her I’d need a few, but it would come back. I asked my wife to help speed things up. She did. She is amazing with oral. In this case I think I would have been distressed if I had an average sexual past. Losing an erection mid use is not confidence building.
3) I once had what happened to your husband happen to me. Not for the same reasons, but that isn’t relevant. I came before it was time. This was in a hotel room with two beds. My wife was with the woman’s husband on the other bed and was paying no attention to me whatsoever. I felt betrayed that she didn’t notice and wouldn’t help me out.
4) On a few occasions I have had trouble rising to the occasion for rounds three and four during a long night of play. I expect her help if needed in these cases too.
My point in listing my own problem moments is that it happens.
I have over the years had times when I didn’t last long and times when I was as hard as steel and going at it until I gave up on reaching orgasm from frustration.
My wife knows exactly how to bring me up to working order. It is my job to let her know, and her job to pay attention. In swinging you will find that it is best for both of you to pay attention to each other for various reasons and be there for each other to make sure things go smoothly.
My advice to you is that if you wish to try swinging again you must first re-build his confidence.
You must then make sure he knows you will have his back.
The way Miranda suggested to go about it sounds like a great plan.
I also agree that going back to the same couple at first isn’t the best of ideas. My reasons for that are a bit different from Miranda’s. My reason is that your husband may feel added pressure to perform well and that is a disaster waiting to happen. If he thinks he has to make up for his earlier performance he may start to worry about his performance even more. Anxiety can cause an erection not to happen, can cause an erection to go away, and can also cause premature ejaculation. Worry makes the willy not mind the owner. Confidence makes it behave perfectly.

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