The Swingers Attic

Tag: dating

Swinger couples, open relationships, and lesbians

by on Nov.09, 2011, under Unsorted

Question:

Hi, a couple weeks ago National coming out day happened to fall on our casual dress day at work so I took advantage of it and wore an I’m out and proud shirt to work. That was my way of letting people know I was a lesbian. A couple people asked about it and that was that.
Within the week though two coworkers privately told me that they are bisexual. One of them is married and also a swingers and have an open relationship. I have always thought she was fun and attractive so I have an interest, but I am not sure how to proceed because she is married. I’ve met her husband before, and he is a nice guy, but I’m not interested in men at all. Do swingers separately date much? Would I be asking for trouble by pursuing a possible relationship with this girl? I understand that swingers are not monogamous so am fine with that. I am just worried that I could become attached and then be pressured by her husband or that I could embarrass myself by going for something that is against swingers rules.

Answer:
By Miranda-
First and foremost a gigantic BRAVO girly for coming out on the national coming out day.  That takes a lot of courage and I’m SO proud of you even though we’ve never met.
As for your coworker lady wanting to possibly hook up I Suggest getting together with her and her husband and talking about the situation.  Is this a girl you want to pursue a serious relationship with or someone who you’d like as a play partner.  You’re not a swinger so you may not be able to stay unattached, so think all angles through before you proceed.
There are plenty of couples in the lifestyle that play separately or have other partners that they’re in relationships with.  The one thing I adore about the lifestyle is that not one relationship is the same in its play scenarios, likes and dislikes, or rules and regulations.  The trick is to have open communication from day one.  What are they into?  What are you looking for?  Will you be alone in a bedroom with this female playing  or are you comfortable having the husband watch?  Is she looking long term or short?
Please make it clear you’re NOT interested in playing with the husband because lines can sometimes get crossed.  Make ALL of your intentions clear, make it clear you need them to clarify as well and then weigh the pros and cons and go from there.
I personally wouldn’t play or start a sexual relationship with a co worker but I work in ALL female environment so it’s like having too many hens in the hen house.  I always look out of my workplace for female companionship.  I wish you luck in your pursuit and hope all works out for the best.  Thank you for opening up your life to us and congratulations on your recent decision to not let a difference in sexuality dictate how you live your life…. simply beautiful!!!!

Answer:
By Aarron-
Swingers all have one thing in common. They in some manner open their sex lives to include others. Besides that they are as different as any other group.
Many swingers have a rule of “We only play together or not at all.”
Others are more open and do whatever they wish without even consulting each other. Most fall in the middle of those two extremes.
So because the girl you are interested in has said she is a swinger and in an open relationship could mean a ton of different things the only advice I can give is to have a sit down with first her, and then both of them to find out exactly what an open relationship is in their minds, and what type of swinging they do. When I say have a sit down I am not talking a 21 questions grill them on facts session, I am talking about just getting together and asking some questions as part of a friendly chat. Though swingers are usually pretty secretive, once they have told you of their status they are usually very willing to share all the details of their relationship and play styles.
As my wife mentioned dating within the workplace… so shall I.
That is a topic completely separate from your question, but please keep it in mind that even tough you are now out as a lesbian your coworker is not out as a swinger and the repercussions of being outed as a swinger are sometimes great.
It is politically and socially taboo to bash, be cruel, practice discrimination, etc… against gays, bisexuals, and transgendered people. Those who would wish to do so must bite their tongues, and if they are willing to face some heat or even legal actions they will still tone it down a bit.
Swingers have no such protection. Swingers are in general frowned on by the media and offered no sympathy in our current political climate. Please keep that in mind as you consider pursuing any sort of relationship with your coworker beyond that of just friendly.

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How to not scare off vanilla boys

by on Nov.10, 2010, under Spice, Unsorted

Question:

I am a single woman, but I am very involved in the lifestyle. My problem is that when I have tried to explain my ways to vanilla males they all go cold and lose interest.
I would like to someday not be a single, but my lifestyle choices seem to scare all my boyfriends off.
How can I explain my lifestyle to a vanilla man without making them think poorly of me?

Answer:
By Miranda-
Well I think your best bet is to always be upfront and honest right from the get go.
You should tell these men you are interested in a relationship and explain you are also into a lifestyle that sometimes might not be conventional. 
If they run for the hills then they weren’t for you. 
I really don’t think “telling” these men in a special kind of hey brace yourself kind of way matters.  It has nothing to do with the arranging of words but with the personal lifestyle of these men.  So maybe a good idea is to step out of the lifestyle for the time being and date.  Forget about the lifestyle for a while, it will always be there (thank goodness) and really concentrate on a solid relationship.  Many times couples don’t even think about swinging until they have been together for years and years.
We know a couple married for 20 years and just this year started swinging.  Time may allow you to break the news easy. 
Also I have a hard time believing that a woman like yourself who enjoys the lifestyle would attract a straight lace man who when told “Hey honey I want a gang bang this weekend!”  (not saying that’s what you’re into) would run screaming for the hills.
Sometimes a good base relationship needs to be established before we plant the seed of swinging.  If you plant that seed after a good adequate amount of time your boyfriend will either say “hey, I’m sorry I just don’t think I could,” or he will jump up and down as if he scored a touchdown… or he may need time to process (generally the case) and then come back to you and say “So you know that thing you were talking about the other day…I’m in.” 
Another solution to your problem would be to set dating vanilla men aside and look for single lifestylers.  It may be more difficult and a smaller selection but if the lifestyle is something you wish to continue you may need to seek it there.
Be picky, be choosy and be patient.  If you swing it he will cum!

Answer:
By Aarron-
I don’t think there is a way to break such news to a boyfriend without the possibility of freaking him out.
If you have been dating a while he may feel betrayed because you didn’t tell him and if you have just started dating it may throw him for such a loop he just wants to split right away.
The right away approach is what I would go for.
You could set it up by maybe having a book on the lifestyle around for him to see or maybe watching a movie together that would spark a conversation on the subject.
Do keep in mind that sometimes people who are not involved in the lifestyle have some very strange ideas on what swinging is and what types of people swing.
He may have a completely different idea than the reality of what swinging is to you and make his judgments and decisions based on those wrong ideas.
Make sure you let him know what exactly you mean when you say you are in the lifestyle.
If he does seem interested and wants to explore I would also recommending going slow.
Don’t push him off the deep end right off.
Take him to a meet n greet or two before any actual parties and don’t throw him to the wolves when you do go to your first few parties together.
Keep in mind that he will be new, nervous, and testing the waters while you are experienced, sure of yourself, and comfortable already.


Since I mentioned leaving a book about I will add this…
In my opinion the best book to have laying about for “accidental” discovery is
Recreational Sex : An Insider’s Guide to the Swinging Lifestyle
The reason I think this is the best book to have laying around (when you want to be discovered) is because not only does it cover all the basics of the lifestyle in an easy to understand and realistic manner without sounding scary to vanilla’s… but it has a very good title and a non intimidating cover that makes a viewers mind not immediately jump to the idea of free for all drunken orgies.
This is the very best book to have “accidentaly” discovered by someone you want to out yourself to.
It is also a good read… so if you have never read it before consider that a bonus.

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