The Swingers Attic

Tag: enjoyment

Reciprocity in taking one for the team?

by on Aug.11, 2011, under Lifestyle Etiquette, Playing with others

Question:

I have been taking one for my team with a guy who I would skip over in
a heartbeat if his wife wasn’t my husbands #1 favorite of all time
play partner. The guy isn’t exactly bad, he is just boring and not my
type. My question to you is if you think my husband owes me the same
courtesy? He will not even consider a couple if the woman isn’t exactly
to his liking no matter what my opinion of them are. I’m feeling like
I’m getting the short end of the stick.

Answer:
By Miranda-
Okay, so in my opinion without beating around the bush, and hopefully without losing too many followers, yes he owes you a play-date with someone you are as equally into.
In the swinging community we all know that sometimes the left shoe doesn’t look the same as the right and I don’t want to call it, “taking one for the team” because I know I wouldn’t want someone referring to me as that, but I’ll call it going along for the ride.  *Lol* it sounds nicer!
I think it’s really important to let your husband know that at any time you have the right to refuse service and he should appreciate you being a full service bar.  Let him know that while you do enjoy him enjoying himself, you also deserve the chance at such bliss in the lifestyle, and maybe feel like you should take a break from this couple until you can both find a couple you both dig equally.
I want to tell my readers I have found one man (that I have had sex with) to be completely non sex compatible (that’s also me being nice) with me in the lifestyle and we never saw them again because of that.  Aarron was REALLY into her and he knew I was going along for the ride and to be honest I was glad to do so.  He was like a school boy with this women and I found it adorable,  BUT he didn’t let me do it again and again for his own enjoyment!!!!!  It was a one shot encounter.
Tell your husband no more playdates with this couple until you get a Hercules just like he had his Zena, darn it! Make sure he knows you do it for him…EVERYTIME… with this couple.  Let him know you deserve goodness too and refuse to settle every time.  Be strong, and girl it’s okay in a situation like this to put your foot down, after all it’s your body and your experience.  You call the shots!  Good luck and I hope you find your Hercules.

Answer:
By Aarron-
This is a touchy subject because many people in the lifestyle don’t like to admit they sometimes “take one for the team,” or maybe are the one that someone is thinking of in that context.
The reality is that it happens to a small extent pretty often with any couple that plays regularly.
It is rare to find the perfect match. One spouse is often more desirable than the other, and that is just the way it is. Looks, personality, bedroom skills, etc… all make a person attractive and desirable in swinging. Finding a couple where both are A+ top shelf perfect is about as likely as a pig with wings. If you do find them it is not likely they will think the same of you. Tastes do differ.
When you do find that perfect play partner it is very doubtful their spouse will be your husbands perfect partner.
Conclusion = Your definitely getting the short end of the stick.
Your husband needs to learn and play fair. Equality in the enjoyment department, or as close as you can find is important.
I’m glad you said “The guy isn’t exactly bad, he is just boring and not my type” when describing your situation.
If you had said he was horrible I would have had to rant.
It isn’t good for you or the other people involved when such things are going on.
Nobody wants to find out that someone they have been having sex with repeatedly wasn’t enjoying it. I’m guessing you have been, but you know you could be having more fun in another situation. That is actually OK in my book. Not all sex partners are going to measure up equal. They don’t need to measure up perfectly. They are PLAY partners only. Good friends if your lucky. They are not life mates.
If you really don’t like it at all though… Stop! If the sex is horrible… Stop! If the evenings are not fun at all…Stop!
My advice on getting your husband to play fair with you in couples selection is to do as my wife said and put your foot down.
If he doesn’t wish to play fair then he doesn’t get to play.
That is how I would handle it.

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Don’t think I will get used to swinging

by on Oct.21, 2010, under Newbie Help

Question:

We have been swinging for 3 weeks and have tried two full swaps. On the first swap I was able to control myself and made it through. On the second swap I became to jealous and ended up crying and had to leave.
My husband was sympathetic and nice to me about it.  He said I would get used to seeing him with other women.
The problem is that I don’t think I will and I also don’t want to be with other men. I don’t know what to do.

Answer:
By Miranda-
Okay so two full swaps in three weeks when you are just getting started I have two words “SLOW DOWN.” 
Most couples start out slow, maybe soft swapping, and some just having sex near another couple to see how comfortable that is. 
I commend you for you efforts and your ability to hold yourself together.  I don’t want to say you’re  not  ready to swing, but I can tell you that you definitely need to communicate to your husband you’re not going to just “get used” to him having sex with another female.
I think you need to take a step back for every full swap you’ve had.  Maybe have a couple over for fourplay and then swap back to your partners.  Let your husband help make choices on how far you let things go but always remember swinging is a group sport.  You too have a voice and maybe that voice is telling you right now to take a step back and try again later.  There is nothing wrong with that.  Always play within your comfort levels.

Answer:
By Aarron-
Three weeks isn’t very long and two full swaps withing that time is considered fast moving in my book.
I have known couples that have jumped into the waters super fast and found out it was great, but most people go a tad slower out of the gate.
Swinging can take many forms and there are all types of people who swing.
For some it is all about semi anonymous sex with no strings.
For some it is about building long term friendships that have the benefits of sex.
Many people just soft swing, while others enjoy full out orgies.
Whatever type of swinger you may be or may become it is obvious that just jumping in and swapping partners right off the bat isn’t what you should be doing.
Slow down and think about the aspects of the lifestyle that made you wish to explore it and then focus on those aspects.
Figure out what would be a comfortable scenario for you and then seek it out.
Do not go rushing in to situations that are not comfortable to you or that don’t appeal to you.
It is a pretty common saying in the lifestyle that whoever in the couple is most cautious and wishes to proceed the slowest sets the pace.
Tell your husband you are just not ready and that if you are not comfortable you will not wish to explore the lifestyle at all.
Pick your own pace and stick with it.
In the end you will be much happier for doing so.
If you never get to a place mentally that allows you to be comfortable and enjoy a full swap then that is just the way it is.
Swinging is not for everyone.
If you find out it isn’t for you then don’t do it.
As for jealousy… It is pretty common to have some feelings of jealousy when you first start swinging.
It is up to you to decide at what point that jealousy you feel is to much.
If  it  feels like it’s too much then that is another sign that you need to slow down.

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