The Swingers Attic

Tag: fantasizing

Would exploring help me enjoy my wife more?

by on Jan.30, 2012, under Unsorted

Question:

My wife is very conservative in her sexuality, and unfortunately, it
gets a it boring for me. Lately I’ve taken to masturbating also when
we make love. Needless to say, I’ve been fantasizing quite alot and
masturbating alone more. So my question is, would exploring group sex
with others (perhaps with male and female couple) help me enjoy my
wife more? She’s definitely not into it, so I would be doing it on my
own. If you think this could help, how do I procede to find partners?

Answer:
By Miranda-
Okay so you should probably let your very conservative wife know that you’re bored with her and wish to pursue sex elsewhere.
If you plan on doing this behind your wife’s back…shame on you because somehow I truly don’t see your wife who in the first sentence of your question you call VERY conservative being okay with you sleeping with other people.
Now with that being said, if by chance you have spoken to your wife about such things then YES sometimes it helps couples kindle an old flame by having both or just one person of a couple take up the lifestyle. They sometimes take the situations home with them so in the bedroom they can verbally retell their sexual adventures which in turn arouses the other.
Now if you’re just looking to come home and have sex with your wife while thinking of the other sexual adventure and not share it with her or have her even know you are swinging, then NO it’s probably a really poor idea.
I don’t mean to be sound so judgmental and if your wife knows you’re thinking about taking up the lifestyle then fantastic, but you said you have been masturbating alone more and when you said you would be “doing it on my own,” it kind of sends up a red flag that your wife doesn’t know.
But if she does know I do apologize for any accusations.
Now in finding partners, all you need to do is find a swinger site such as Adult Friend Finder, join the site and create a profile. The rest is easy, just wait for inquiries and hope that as a single male you get chosen for play dates. Single men get a bad rap in the lifestyle because some men are dishonest about their profiles and also there are TONS of you out there, so the market tends to be over saturated. If you can make a good honest name for yourself in the swinger community you truly have it set because most single men are referred by other couples to other couples. So it would almost like building a clientele. I wish you the best on your journeys and hope you and your wife are able to get the passions of love flowing again openly and honestly. Hope you have a wonderful Valentines Day.

Answer:
By Aarron-
From the wording of your question I too think it sounds like cheating rather than swinging.
They are two different things entirely.
I will however skip the lecture and go with the assumption that you have spoken to your wife and she has given you her blessings because she is conservative in bed, but open minded in other ways.
Yes it will spice things up in most cases. It can completely reinvigorate some people even.
As Miranda said… making some profiles will do the trick, but only if you do it well. The swingers websites are full of single men seeking no strings sex. Couples have plenty to choose from, but still it is hard for couples to find single playing men because many are rude, don’t understand the swingers mentalities, don’t play by couples rules well, flake out, or are simply not very attractive in general when it comes to appearance, dress, attitude, or manners.
To be successful playing single as a male you must have an entire package worth the couples time.
The males who do succeed at this are very sought after.
Another option is to attend meet and greets.
These are off premise (no sex) meetings held at bars, restaurants, coffee shops, etc… depending on your area where pretty much anybody can show up.
There are usually a few such regular gatherings in every major city and often a monthly such meet up in most smaller cities.
Finding them without knowing people is the hardest part.
Some are advertised in groups on sites while others are strictly word of mouth.

Here are a few previous Swingers Attic Topics that may help you in your endeavors.
Responding to a woman’s personal ad
That one is for obvious reasons.
Finding single men for swinging
A question from the other side… a couple asking about finding single men.
The proper order of the pictures for your profile
I used a female for the pictures, but let me assure you that if you don’t do the photo thing correctly as a male wishing to play alone that you WILL fail. As a male wishing the attention of couples and maybe single females you must have a well put together profile and that includes good photos. Don’t be another idiot with a cock shot and a blocked out face who wonders why the gals are not filling their inbox with requests for sex.
Solo And Traveling
My vanilla bar pickup advice at the end also kinda applies to meet and greets.
I am assuming you are out of practice in the pick up arena since you have been married long enough to be having the types of issues you have portrayed.

For a site to check out (it really depends on your area as to how busy a site is) I would most likely suggest SwingLifeStyle because of what you are seeking.
My wife mention AFF, but the single male ratio on that site is super high so I’m going with SwingLifeStyle.

Lastly, your wife may not be as conservative as you think.
I’ve unwrapped the package of many a conservative woman over the years to find that I had unleashed a beast.
Humans are animals. We all crave unless something is wrong or broken in us.
Your wife most likely has desires and fantasies too, even if she isn’t willing to discuss them or maybe even admit it. They may not be of a group sex sort, but they exist.

I hate recommending this book simply because of the title, but I have read it and it is pretty on spot with a lot of things.
It is short, cheesy, filled with a lot of obvious things, but it also has the key ingredients to bring a woman over if you have the patience and desire.
Getting Your Wife Or Girlfriend To Become A Swinger
This next one I haven’t read, but I know someone who has and they said it was worth the read.
Also the second review listed on amazon is by a well known swingers lifestyle blogger and she liked it, so that is something.
How To Turn Your Wife Into a Swinger

Good Luck!

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Wanting my wife to have sex with other men

by on Dec.06, 2010, under Newbie Help

Question:

I found your site looking for advice on how to get your wife to have sex with other men, but didn’t end up finding any.
For a few years now I find myself fantasizing about watching my wife have sex with other men all the time. I am almost obsessed with the idea. I love my wife a lot and think she is gorgeous and sexy. My dream is to see her as the sex goddess I know she is.
The only time I ever brought up the idea to my wife though she became very angry and accused me of not loving her. I tried to explain that it was a completely opposite type thing and that many men like to watch their wives have sex with other men. It didn’t go over well and I have never brought it up again.
Could you please give me some advice on how to approach the subject without upsetting her or making her feel like I don’t love her?

Answer:
By Miranda-
It’s such a tricky thing sometimes to open the sexual mind of your life partner without them thinking things like, ” OMG did I marry a sicko?” 
Truth – you have already said YES tons of men visualize their wives having sex with other men and YES many woman LOVE doing this for their husbands too.  My husband and I included! Yay! 
The fantasy probably took your wife aback and she just may not understand it. 
I would like it if you asked your wife about one of her sexual fantasies.  It may take a couple days for her to give you a little something.  Tell her you want to know in full detail what it is she wants to do.  Tell her to not be afraid to get a little kinky or naughty and make sure you don’t mention your fantasy.  When she’s finished with the fantasy, thank her and tell her you would like to explore that fantasy with her someday. 
Now here comes the real tricky part…DON’T mention your fantasy for a really long time.  I want you start telling her how sexy she is while you two sleep together and whenever you think of it.  Let her know everyday how just damn hot she is, prep her self esteem. 
I don’t know if you watch porn together or not but there are videos I LOVE and they’re called Wife Switch.  If you two enjoy adult videos then slip this on one night.  They are fun and sexy and kinda goofy but I think this may get your wife’s interest sparked.  The premise is that two men swap their wives and LOVE watching them have sex with another man.  Now yes – this is swinger oriented but I hope it will plant a seed. 
Your wife may just need a lot of time to get used to the idea and alot of visual and mental foreplay can help. 
If you try the videos remember to mention while you’re having sex things like, “Honey This is something I would like to try,” or “These guys have the same fantasy I have.”  If you’re NOT into having sex with someone else’s wife make SURE you make that clear.
You don’t need your wife thinking once again you don’t love her, this time she’ll be thinking you want to sleep with other woman, yikes! 
She needs to feel secure and needs to know you are there to take care of her.  If the videos help then maybe mention, the prospects of trying the fantasy again but make sure you communicate your full intention.  No swinging  just her with another man.
 I can’t guarantee this will work but I know my husband is excellent at planting ideas into my head without me thinking , ” No way am I doing that!”  Your wife may need time, visual stimulation and knowledge in knowing her husband isn’t the only man into such a thing.  I wish you luck and remember patience and understanding is key to opening up our partner’s sexual world.

Answer:
By Aarron-
This is a tough one.
People think in so many different ways and can have so many ingrained belief’s that it is impossible to tell somebody exactly how to approach a touchy subject with another person without knowing their personality and belief system.
In my own relationship I have it pretty easy because my wife is very open minded about things.
I pretty much just tell her what I want and think and she gives me a yes or no type answer.
She is a bit wilder and more slutty than me I think by nature, while i am a bit kinkier or “perverted” as she likes to say.
That results in us pushing and pulling each other in different directions when it comes to play.
The realm of fantasy talk is where we get into each other’s heads. Miranda referred to it in her answer as “planting ideas.”
When heated up we sometimes talk fantasy.
Fantasies of the one become fantasies of the other. It’s like sexual hypnotism.
The hard part in your case if you wished to use this method is getting the communication lines open in the first place.
Maybe just starting with some less intense changes would be a good idea.
Starting with “Let me watch you fuck somebody else sweetness” isn’t a very light request if you are not already a bit sexually progressive.
Look for things she would maybe enjoy experimenting with.
Light bondage, spankings, candle wax, dirty dice, vibrators, massage oils… etc.
Get the sexual games going and work up slow.
Get her mind thinking sexy.
Buy some sexual positions books that you can go through. Start at the front and work your way back.
Sexy games are also good for spicing up the mind in a vanilla flavored brain.
My wife and I sometimes enjoy what we call “wine night.” Basically we take some time to ourselves and share a bottle of wine. A game can be a fun addition to that.
However you choose to go about it… go slow!
Don’t push the envelope to fast.
Have fun and explore while opening up the communication lines and each other’s minds.
Enjoy the journey and eventually if you keep it fun your wife will end up with a much more open mind when it comes to sex.
That doesn’t guarantee she will be into what you are, but it will at least make it so you are able to talk about it without her thinking you don’t love her.

A few things to check out to help you on your journey.

Mastering Multiple Position Sex: Mind-Blowing Lovemaking Techniques That Create Unforgettable Orgasms

The Fine Art Of Erotic Talk: How To Entice, Excite, And Enchant Your Lover With Words

The Fantasy Sex Deck: 50 Erotic Role-Plays for Adventurous Couples

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