The Swingers Attic

Tag: full swap

Did we jump in a little too quick?

by on Sep.08, 2011, under Newbie Help

Question:

We are totally new to this and had our first full swap this weekend. We met this couple previously for drinks and arranged to meet again this weekend. My wife was turned on by his eyes and laid back attitude and I was turned on by her sexiness. We didn’t plan on a full swap, but it happened. There were highlights and not so great moments during our night with this couple. They are sweet, patient, and sexy. We went home afterward wondering if we would ever do it again. Maybe this is all the “drama” that people mention they want to avoid, but we are really unsure about going forward. We would imagine this kind of reaction is not unique to us. We would appreciate your perspective for just starting out. Maybe we jumped in a little too quick.

Answer:
By Miranda-
I personally find that sometimes what is good for the goose isn’t good for the gander.
In some swinging situations when a couple full swaps for the first time, one person is generally totally into doing it again while the other is hesitant.
Other times  both members of the couple love it and can’t wait to jump in again and again head first, then there are couples like yourselves.  Both of you had a good time, but also had an overwhelming sexual swinging experience.
When it comes to playing with another couple for the first time EVER you can really intensify the emotions and feelings you’re having more so than in a common, “straight encounter,” and you also have to take into acount you have a partner to watch and think about.
It can definitely be sensor over load and can make a couple say, “Hey is this really for us???”
The answer is different for all, and for many couples it’s, “not for them,” while others, even though they may have overstepped their comfort boundaries for the first time decide to try it again and again until they get it right.
I always suggest taking a step back instead of forward when in doubt.
Don’t full swap again if you aren’t fully comfortable with it. It is that plain and simple.
Try a soft swap, and if the couple you just played with isn’t into a soft swap don’t take it personally, just move on.
Always be honest with each other and remember that communication is key.
Never go home without discussing the evening no matter how experienced you are in the lifestyle. What could have been your best night in swinging ever could be the worst for your wife, and you wouldn’t eve know it.
I think it’s great you two DID go home saying, “Hey do you think we should do that again?”  Maybe the answer is yes or maybe it’s no, but at least you two took the plunge together and came out together.  What a beautiful accomplishment, thank you for your question.

Answer:
By Aarron-
It sounds like you had a great couple to start off on your swinging adventures with.
It also sounds like you did have a good time, but are having a bit of trouble wrapping your mind around the whole experience.
From all the people I have met over time in the lifestyle, and all the stories I have heard, I can safely say that you are experiencing something very normal for many couples after their first full swap.
What you have done when you swapped was broken a million little rules about love and marriage that have been ingrained in you your entire life.
You broke those rules and so did your wife.
Even if you can rationalize and say things like “I don’t agree wit those rules,” and “it is different because we agreed to do it,” you are going to get all the strange feelings of wrongness and confusion. However many years you have been on this planet is how many years of social/mental programming your dealing with.
Movies, music, jokes, social stigmas, etc… You are not supposed to have sex with other people when married. It fill your subconscious.
You have broken out of the mold more than most people do just by taking the leap and then being able to talk about it afterwards.
It doesn’t save you from confusing feelings though.
My advice is the same as Miranda said. Go slow.
Without more background I can’t say much beyond that, but from how you worded your question I can see a desire to continue, but hesitation because of the mental after affects.
I have known people who claimed to have no issues their first times out that in reality just hid them. Disaster resulted.
I have also heard from people who are now very comfortable in the lifestyle who easily admit they once had many misgivings about their first few experiences, but went ahead in order to fulfill fantasies and experience the good parts. Talking with each other is extremely important.
In the end, no one can tell you if the lifestyle is right for you except you.
Hope we have helped in some way.

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Erection failure on full swaps

by on Jan.19, 2011, under Insecurities, Newbie Help

Question:
My husband says he likes swinging and talks about swinging constantly.
We have by his request had two FFM threesomes and he has functioned fine under those circumstances.
We also played with an oral only soft swap couple and he was at full mast.
The problem has been with full swapping.
Three different couples over the course of our experimentation with the lifestyle and in each case he has had trouble maintaining his erection for intercourse.
Afterwards he acts like an asshole to me and when questioned says he wasn’t all that into the girl. I know this is a lie because he is extremely into them before it happens and doesn’t get weird until afterwards.
Do you have any ideas what the problem may be?
If so, what can I do to remedy the situation.
I’m frustrated enough to quit because he is taking the fun out of it by being an ass afterwards, but I also don’t want to deal with him sulking over me putting a stop to it all because of his problems.

Answer:
By Miranda-
To be totally honest with you I think your husband is having a difficult time watching you have sex with another man.
Female play and soft swap is truly different than “going all the way.” It sounds like he wants to play but may be experiencing erectile dysfunction due to a full swap.  So maybe step back from full swap for a while and experiment a little more with soft swap. 
I can understand you’re having fun, but if fun comes with the price tag of a grumpy moody husband I would rethink your plans. 
On the subject of him turning into an ass:
I think your husband mentally turns around after a full swap and can’t  cope properly with his feelings so he acts like as you said an “ass.” 
The difficult part of your situation is getting into your husband’s head to find out whats going on.  Men when dealing with feelings of rage, jealousy, and insecurities sometimes lash out and cause an even larger problem by their behavior. 
In order to secure the situation from going from bad to worse full swap should probably be put on the back burner for now.  Maybe stick to FFM or soft swaps just until your husband decides to either try full swap again of until you can find out some answers on his behavior. 
I’d also like to inform you that erectile dysfunction is REALLY common in the lifestyle and I think a little reassurance is in order.  Men often become stressed in the situation that they themselves have asked and  maybe even begged for. 
They think they want something only to find out, “Hey that guy is fucking my wife and boy she is liking it, maybe too much.” 
Now please understand I’m not saying that is your husband’s situation but if he seems really into the woman at first, then only after ”trying” to have sex with them says he wasn’t into them, sounds like that may be it. 
Another possibility is that he  may just get really nervous and not able to perform properly.
Sometimes men become so embarrassed or angry at themselves from having such problems they will blame anyone except themselves.
  If you do continue to full swap it is important to maybe spend a little time playing with your husband along with the other female in order to make him more comfortable. 
Men also sometimes feel nervous about having sex with another man’s wife. 
As you can see, many possibilities exist as to what is messing with your husbands mind.
 I am a firm believer in “communication is KEY!!!!”
  Maybe sitting down, and even if it means dealing with a grumpy husband, discussing the issues before you make mountains out of mole hills. 
The next time you full swap you don’t want or need any drama . Any long term lifestyler will tell you that if there is any underlying issue it will eventually come out…and you don’t want it revealing itself in someone else’s bedroom or hotel room.  Yikes and scary!!!  I think just a small step back could save you both a lot of trouble.  Thanks for the great question and I wish you all the luck.

Answer:
By Aarron-
From how you describe it I would guess the problems arise from your husband not being comfortable with you have intercourse with another man.
If he is functioning fine except in those situations that is most likely the culprit.
It could be simple jealousy, but it could be a few othet things too.
A big possibility is that he has some insecurity issues with his own performance in the first place.
Knowing you are getting (or about to get) sex from another man could be bringing those insecurities to the forefront.
The result is anxiety and stress in such situations.
The lack of his own ability to perform in the situation would just heighten the feelings and in some case a man will strike out afterwards.
That would be a possible cause of him becoming an “ass” as you have put it.
Laying the blame on not being attracted to the other female (when obviously he was) is just another part of that.
It’s all just him being defensive and not being able to talk about it.
Confronting him with questions about his feelings probably wont help if he is lashing out and defensive.
It would be better to slowly coax it out over many days and then talk about it all once it is all in the open.
Until you can do that it would probably be best to either break from swinging or if you find satisfaction from soft swing or the FFM situations, just go with those.
In your question you said the FFM threesomes are “by his request,” so that makes me think maybe they are not your cup of tea.
If you are not having fun playing that way then chill on those too.
Swinging is not about just doing things to appease your partner.
Swinging is about having fun and doing things that give you happy feelings.
It is obvious your husband isn’t having fun when it comes to full swapping, but if you are not having fun in your two girl plus husband threesomes then that is not so hot either.

Step back, get the communication flowing, and get your husband feeling good about it all.
I’m sure he has very conflicting thoughts and emotions over the whole thing.
Something he want’s to do badly is just not turning out to mesh with him.
He will end up either having to give it up or fix what is ailing his mind in the situation.

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