The Swingers Attic

Tag: girlfriends

Is it wrong to wish to expose her to swinging?

by on Dec.05, 2011, under Insecurities, Newbie Help

Question:

Hi. I used to watch a lot of pornography before ( I don’t watch as
much anymore). But I’ve been with my girlfriend for a real long time
now and I’ve told her everything from my porn obsession to wanting to
participate in a swinger experience. I’m the only man she has ever
slept with, but she’s not my first. We’ve talked about it a lot and
she liked the idea of being apart of a swinger experience. Since we
are newbies we’ve only been doing voyeurism. We went to a swinger club
twice and we just had sex with each other but it was hard for me to
stay hard because I just wanted to masturbate to other couples having
sex (I realized then that from watching so much porn, it’s a habit to
masturbate from watching other people have sex). Now I want to watch
my girlfriend have sex with another man. And she’s pretty enthusiastic
about it too. But I feel guilty because I feel like that’s something a
first boyfriend shouldn’t do. As if I’m giving her away. Or corrupting
her. I would try to justify it as its a good experience for her
because she gets to sleep with other men(because we’ll probably be
together for ever). So it’s her way of getting her share of experience
too, without it being infidelity. Should I go forward with my fantasy?
Is it wrong for a girl whose’s only been with one man to start
swinging? Sometimes I think that swingers go into the lifestyle after
they’ve had their fair share of partners. Oh and we’ve never swung
before. I would love to hear your opinion. Interpret it as you wish.

Answer:
By Miranda-
I think it’s totally fine for you to want to watch your girlfriend be with another man and just masturbate to the experience. I also think it’s fantastic you’re willing to share the experience with your girlfriend who isn’t as sexually experienced as yourself.
Please remember to always communicate if there is something outside of your comfort zone and to watch her back. Just because you’re having an awesome time jerking off doesn’t mean your girlfriend is. Although she may be excited to have sex with another man now, she may during the actual experience clam up or feel totally awful about it but doesn’t want to say anything.
Listen to her reasons to things and pay close attention to her facial cues. Never assume that just because you’re into something your partner is too. Fantasy is WAY different than reality my friend. I also want to add that your’re only “corrupting” you girlfriend if you yourself believe your fantasy is morally wrong and have to “talk” her into it or you want her to go against what she believes is the truth of human sexuality.
To me it’s completely natural, but try to tell a preacher’s daughter that…corruption is then had! I wish you the very best entering the lifestyle and hope I was able to give you positive feedback. Thanks for sharing yourselves (no pun intended), have fun and play safe.

Answer:
By Aarron-
I can be a bit of a voyeur myself, but only if I know the people involved personally so your desire to watch your girlfriend seems completely fine to me.
As for the if it is wrong part… If she is enthusiastic about it then heck no it isn’t wrong.
We all start out with zero partners, then have just one, and then more. The course to get from point A to point B is always a bit different.
I personally think it is kinda cool that she will get to explore such things with a first boyfriend. Many women I have know are filled with hangups about their sexuality and full of guilt from first boyfriends who went the opposite way and filled their minds with shame and insecurities because of personal jealousies.
As long as you are both really into the idea, you both communicate well, and you both keep each others feelings and wishes in mind I would personally consider it a great chance to possibly have a fabulous adventure.

Extra note here:
I have met many couples who have entered the lifestyle because they never had other experiences before marriage. Curiosity about others is a strong motivator. Some of these couples play just a few times and are done, while others become long term swingers. Some go slow, and some go fast. It isn’t for everyone, but it is very common to find couples where one or both have had only one sex partner before. Many regular lifestylers shy away from such couples because it is more possible for such situations to end in emotional drama. Some seek out such couples because they think of it as a sort of virginity and get an extra bit of spice from being the first. I myself neither avoid or seek out such couples, but I have become wary because their truly is a higher possibility of drama. Usually the drama could have been avoided if the said couple had communicated with each other better beforehand.
That was my way of saying “talk everything over big time before taking the plunge.”
Good luck.

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Another level before even getting started

by on Nov.26, 2011, under Insecurities, Newbie Help

Question:

My girlfriend and I have been talking about this lifestyle for some
time and just started practicing it about a year ago. We sat down and
discussed what our ground rules were going to be. The first thing that
we said was we would never play alone. Always had to be in the same
room or at least the same gathering. We started off with soft swap and
slowly worked our way up to full(Sort Of). Every time we got with a
couple something always happened that I never really got to be apart
of the swap completely. Basically I some how always got left out,
which is fine in a way because it is such a turn on just to see her
with another man. It seems that our rules change from time to time or
evolve I should say. Down we have been asked by some one we both know
and that she has been with if he could have a night or two alone with
her. When she asked me this it was like I swallowed a baseball. It
scares me. I don’t know if it is because I have yet to interact with
another woman or if it is insecurities that I have with myself? I
don’t know if I am ready to go to that level of the Lifestyle. Is this
normal to be so confused?

Answer:
By Miranda-
Oh honey, it’s so normal to be as confused and scared as you are and also totally normal to also get a little angry (not saying you are but some people get this way). I’m a firm believer that in life there are things that we don’t want to do but have to, and then there are things we don’t want to do and it’s totally okay we don’t. This situation is the latter!
If you’re not comfortable with having your partner play alone, especially for a couple nights then by George, don’t feel as if you have to give the go ahead.
Even if you feel as if your partner may get a little bent out of shape, remind her she’s so very important to you and for whatever reasons you aren’t into trying it. Let her know you have given it a lot of thought and truly don’t feel good about it.
I’d add that if she becomes defensive then you REALLY shouldn’t be trying the hall pass out.
Swinging is about open and honest communication and also bringing a couple close sexually and sometimes even spiritually. Your partner should hear your request with open ears and an open heart, and know that you wouldn’t say no unless you really felt strongly about it.
I don’t personally agree with playing separately in most cases, but I know for a lot of couples with time restraints and really busy schedules, sometimes it’s the only way. I think swinging alone can cause major holes in a relationships sexual communication and I have also watched it tear couples into divorces.
I’m not trying to scare you or make you feel insecure about your relationship, I’m just trying to let you know your concerns are valid and not crazy.
I hope you talk with your partner openly about how you’re feeling and also hear her justifications for wanting this. That doesn’t mean you have to then go for the situation. I hope I’ve given you a little reassurance in knowing you’re not alone. Thank you for opening your world to share your story as well…good luck!

Answer:
By Aarron-
Your reaction is a good one in my mind.
Unless you are more into getting off by knowing what your girlfriend is doing than actually participating or watching I would advise you to put the breaks on here.
The possible bad outcomes far outnumber any good ones that could come your way here.
I am not against separate swinging as much as my wife is, but I too have seen the crash and burn happen many a time with those that play separate. It does have it’s place, and we ourselves have our exceptions to the only together play. In general though it is best left for swingers who have been in the game long enough, and played enough to not still be trying to work out the basics of the lifestyle.
You are still just wading into the water and haven’t even got near the deep end yet.
My advise to you is to be a party pooper and say “nope” to the situation.
Play around a bit as a couple. Gain some experience. Get some lifestyle friends. Watch the ups and downs of others (learn from their mistakes) and then maybe talk about trying out situations such as separate dating/playing if it appeals to you.

A little extra note on rules:
Rules usually evolve over time in swinging. They often slowly disappear even after time.
That is good thing, but it is also good to change them slowly, and only as you gain experiences.
Whatever rules you may or may not have created when you originally decided to explore the swinging lifestyle had good reasons to be created. One or both of you felt each and every rule important because of fears, insecurities, experiences, or forethought. Unless EXPERIENCE is gained then those rules should not be changed. Without experiences the reasons for them still exist.

 

 

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