The Swingers Attic

Tag: guilt

Is it wrong to wish to expose her to swinging?

by on Dec.05, 2011, under Insecurities, Newbie Help

Question:

Hi. I used to watch a lot of pornography before ( I don’t watch as
much anymore). But I’ve been with my girlfriend for a real long time
now and I’ve told her everything from my porn obsession to wanting to
participate in a swinger experience. I’m the only man she has ever
slept with, but she’s not my first. We’ve talked about it a lot and
she liked the idea of being apart of a swinger experience. Since we
are newbies we’ve only been doing voyeurism. We went to a swinger club
twice and we just had sex with each other but it was hard for me to
stay hard because I just wanted to masturbate to other couples having
sex (I realized then that from watching so much porn, it’s a habit to
masturbate from watching other people have sex). Now I want to watch
my girlfriend have sex with another man. And she’s pretty enthusiastic
about it too. But I feel guilty because I feel like that’s something a
first boyfriend shouldn’t do. As if I’m giving her away. Or corrupting
her. I would try to justify it as its a good experience for her
because she gets to sleep with other men(because we’ll probably be
together for ever). So it’s her way of getting her share of experience
too, without it being infidelity. Should I go forward with my fantasy?
Is it wrong for a girl whose’s only been with one man to start
swinging? Sometimes I think that swingers go into the lifestyle after
they’ve had their fair share of partners. Oh and we’ve never swung
before. I would love to hear your opinion. Interpret it as you wish.

Answer:
By Miranda-
I think it’s totally fine for you to want to watch your girlfriend be with another man and just masturbate to the experience. I also think it’s fantastic you’re willing to share the experience with your girlfriend who isn’t as sexually experienced as yourself.
Please remember to always communicate if there is something outside of your comfort zone and to watch her back. Just because you’re having an awesome time jerking off doesn’t mean your girlfriend is. Although she may be excited to have sex with another man now, she may during the actual experience clam up or feel totally awful about it but doesn’t want to say anything.
Listen to her reasons to things and pay close attention to her facial cues. Never assume that just because you’re into something your partner is too. Fantasy is WAY different than reality my friend. I also want to add that your’re only “corrupting” you girlfriend if you yourself believe your fantasy is morally wrong and have to “talk” her into it or you want her to go against what she believes is the truth of human sexuality.
To me it’s completely natural, but try to tell a preacher’s daughter that…corruption is then had! I wish you the very best entering the lifestyle and hope I was able to give you positive feedback. Thanks for sharing yourselves (no pun intended), have fun and play safe.

Answer:
By Aarron-
I can be a bit of a voyeur myself, but only if I know the people involved personally so your desire to watch your girlfriend seems completely fine to me.
As for the if it is wrong part… If she is enthusiastic about it then heck no it isn’t wrong.
We all start out with zero partners, then have just one, and then more. The course to get from point A to point B is always a bit different.
I personally think it is kinda cool that she will get to explore such things with a first boyfriend. Many women I have know are filled with hangups about their sexuality and full of guilt from first boyfriends who went the opposite way and filled their minds with shame and insecurities because of personal jealousies.
As long as you are both really into the idea, you both communicate well, and you both keep each others feelings and wishes in mind I would personally consider it a great chance to possibly have a fabulous adventure.

Extra note here:
I have met many couples who have entered the lifestyle because they never had other experiences before marriage. Curiosity about others is a strong motivator. Some of these couples play just a few times and are done, while others become long term swingers. Some go slow, and some go fast. It isn’t for everyone, but it is very common to find couples where one or both have had only one sex partner before. Many regular lifestylers shy away from such couples because it is more possible for such situations to end in emotional drama. Some seek out such couples because they think of it as a sort of virginity and get an extra bit of spice from being the first. I myself neither avoid or seek out such couples, but I have become wary because their truly is a higher possibility of drama. Usually the drama could have been avoided if the said couple had communicated with each other better beforehand.
That was my way of saying “talk everything over big time before taking the plunge.”
Good luck.

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Empowered yet still regret my past

by on Mar.29, 2011, under Sexuality, Unsorted

Question:
I was an easy girl with low self-esteem through my early twenties and had sex with a full dozen different men before I met my husband.
It has been very hard for me to come to terms with my past and I have only recently began to respect myself again. Because of my past I agreed to allow another woman into our bed for a threesome. We had such a good time that it sparked an interest in swinging. We have now graduated to being very active swingers. My sex life has never been better and I have had sex with close to 20 men and half a dozen women in the last year. I have no regrets about any of it. It is a journey I experience with my husband and I am guilt free. It is a lifestyle choice I actually feel proud of and it even empowers me. For some reason I still feel shame about my youth though. I can’t let go completely. Any advice?

Answer:
By Miranda-
You sound as if you are truly on your road to recovery and YES you will one day not look at your youthful past as a problem but more as a lesson.
Reading your e-mail, I thought I had written it. I too had a colorful past with men and felt for many years ashamed of who I was. Being uneducated and misinformed is a huge problem for today’s youth with becoming sexually active.
For example, when I told my mother I was sexually active she never once told me to make sure my partner wore a condom, but she did run me to the nearest family planning center and sign me up for birth control.
Who would have thought having a baby could be worse that AIDS? Sexual acts in our youth are what mold us sexually and they allow us to explore others as well and without healthy practices guilt and low self-esteem may develop so we need to do it responsibly.
Now I am not saying you didn’t use protection but I know my lesson came after having tons of unprotected sex and when I met my husband I was untruthful about my past because I didn’t want him to think of me in that way.
He had always been very safe and guilt free because though he had slept with literally hundreds of woman he saved bare back for special cases.
The guilt ate at me everyday and after two years I broke down and told him the truth. They say the truth sets you free but seeing the sadness and disappointment in my husbands eyes made me feel lower than I had ever felt. I had many sexual partners unprotected and never been tested for HIV and then didn’t tell the man who loved me and was always honest with me. I felt like dirt!
Now after six  more years it has been put behind us and we are both able to joke about my “slutty” days without me feeling resentment for him and embarrassed for myself.
Swinging has not only made me feel empowered because of how I am able to behave and how men view me, but it has empowered me because of the responsible choices I am able to make now.
I wish kids were taught about safe sex education from someone they look up to and respect rather than a pervert high school  gym teacher who spends the quarter looking down blouses or mothers who are more concerned with pregnancy that STDs. (That was what I got)
For all of you out there reading this please please please take the time to teach your children about healthy sexual experiences and practices. Yes it can be awkward and extremely uncomfortable, but just remember one day that your daughter just might have to look the person she loves with all her heart in the face and say “honey I am ashamed of a past I haven’t told you about and worse yet I may have an STD, but have been too scared for years to go find out.” Then her loved one will have to sit and wait while she is tested. By the way,  I can tell you I was and am clean to this day…but all because of pure luck.
We can all break through shameful sexual experiences and get over our mental anguish from our mistakes, it just takes time and loved ones to stand by with comfort and support.
Sounds like you have a great husband too. Be thankful for him but also be thankful for yourself everyday.

Answer:
By Aarron-
The mind is a strange thing to allow us to feel good about having a lot of sex and ashamed about it at the same time.
Miranda called me “guilt free,” and in regards to how slutty I have been through life I am. Sex is a wonderful thing and I have enjoyed a lot of it. I will continue to do so. I am a proud slut.
I wouldn’t call myself “guilt free” though.
I can relate to how you feel, but from a very odd perspective.
When I was teen I was a guy who wanted a girl just once or twice. I never said any different and I never had to talk a girl into anything. No promises and no endearments given and they still chose me as their first.
For years I felt great that I had been so many girls first time. I thought of them as lucky because I heard so many bad stories about first times. I had experience and took my time making sure they had a wonderful first. If I liked them I’d go back a few times. They all spoke highly of me and I was a happy guy with envious friends.
Many years later a girl told me I had broken her heart. I spoke of it to a long time female friend and she responded with “I know the feeling.”
It took a couple more to really drive it home though that most of these girls had hoped they would be special. Even though I was always straight up about it they had hoped for something I just wasn’t willing to give.
Guilt set in.
I still have it in small quantities because I know that even though I gave a lot of girls great first times that they most likely wouldn’t have had otherwise I neglected to see inside them.
Maybe they would have been better off with a 2 second sex session or a guy who couldn’t even find the hole if that guy would have wanted to be their boyfriend.
I will never know, but the point is that most of us have mistakes in our pasts when it comes to sex.
At least in my case I was honest with the girls so there was no bad feelings towards me.
Youth is a time of learning.
That is how we all need to think about it. Different paths are followed by different people and they lead us to becoming the people we are.
Without your past experiences you never would have become the person you are today.
Each and every thing you have done in life has brought you to the place you are now.
You said you are happy and empowered. You mentioned swinging as a shared journey with your husband and that tells me you probably are happy with your marriage and glad he is your husband.
Your pretty well off if you ask me. You would not be who you are or where you are without your time as an “easy girl.”
Think on that a bit and next time you are feeling a bit shameful about your past remember that it helped create the proud and empowered sexual being you now are.

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