The Swingers Attic

Tag: guilt

First she liked it and now she says she doesn’t

by on Oct.12, 2010, under Newbie Help, Unsorted

Question:

Having already participated in a MFM threesome my partner has decided
that, although she originally said that she really enjoyed it and
would love to do it again and even made stern promises to that effect,
she actually no longer wants anything to do with it.

I feel like my needs/desires have been completely pushed to one side
as she now refuses to even discuss it. What’s changed?

Answer:
By Miranda-
I can tell you that from the point of view of a woman participating in a MFM it can be exhilarating, orgasmic and at times shameful. 
I’m not saying this is how your wife is feeling but maybe take a look back at the situation. Was there at anytime your wife seemed uneasy or scared?  Did she give you a look or feeling she may not be enjoying herself?  If no, then maybe the guilt came a little later after she had time to think about the fantastic hot and orgasmic night. She may feel like she did something dirty or just out of her comfort zone. 
I know sometimes in the heat of the moment I think, “heck yeah let’s try that,” and then two days later I think, “Wow although I had fun and thought I really enjoyed it now I feel the guilt that society has taught me to feel.”  We are raised to believe certain things about sexual relationships that aren’t always true.  To me the very things we are taught to believe make us guilt filled and ashamed, not exactly ”healthy.”  I think your wife may have truly enjoyed the experience but something during the experience triggered her to feel discomfort either at the time or a bit later.  
It only takes ONE negative memory of the night to put the thought in her mind, “I didn’t enjoy that.”
 For example, my husband enjoyed cherries.  He ate them for years and one day found a nasty bug in one as he bit it in half.  Gross I know, but stay with me.  I would offer him cherries and he always said, “NO I DON”T LIKE THEM.” Never telling me he once enjoyed them but had a negative experience that changed his view.  Your wife is uncomfortable about something.  I would back off a bit and give her some more time to process. 
Maybe she just isn’t ready to talk about what triggered her to change her mind.  As for your sexual desires/needs not being accounted for please remember your wife’s aren’t either. Respect, understanding, compassion and listening is going to get you through this. 
Your wife will eventually open up… its what woman do, and when she does remember it takes two to cross a swinging speed bump.

Answer:
By Aarron-
I’m not sure what your “needs and desires” are in relation to having a MFM threesome so I am not sure how to tackle that part of your question.
Whatever they are I can say that if they are not communicated in a proper manner others may take them differently than what you are actually trying to get across.
“If I say I really like watching you be nasty.” to one woman she may think “I love being nasty!” while another woman may think “I’m not nasty, and don’t want my lover thinking of me that way.”
If I said “I love it when you act naughty.” I could get an entirely different mental reaction from those same women.
I may have been referring to them doing the exact same thing…
(Example: Giving another man oral sex.)
The way I express my like and desire to see the women changes how they think I perceive them and in turn changes how they may perceive themselves and the actual act of giving another man oral sex in front of me.
What I am getting at here is that the way you try to talk about these things can greatly affect how your partner views the entire experience.
Women need to feel good about themselves mentally to truly enjoy an experience.
If your partner has decided she does not want to even talk about it any more then that is a sign that the way you are communicating with her is not filling her with feelings of being sexy, wonderful, special, and valuable.
If your conversations made her feel those things she would want to talk about it.
If in talking about it she felt those things then she would associate those feelings with the act.
If she associated those types of feelings with the act then she would most likely wish to repeat the act.
My advice would be to back up a bit on trying to talk about it for a while and then start bringing it up again with small comments at first.
Let her know what you liked about her performance and the experience in general while keeping in mind they way she wants to feel and they way she communicates.

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No MFM threesome when it had been promised

by on Sep.28, 2010, under Insecurities, Newbie Help, Sexuality

Question:

My husband agreed to us both having threesomes and we had one with another woman. He has now changed his mind and says we can’t have one with another man. Is this fair?

Answer:
By Miranda-
I wouldn’t call it fair but I wouldn’t call it not fair either. 
People sometimes think they are okay with something only to find out…”No I am not.”  Your husband may have thought the idea seemed great until he had his threesome with the female and realized ” wow I am going to have to be really close to another man.” 
I have found recently that some swinger men are either comfortable or uncomfortable with light touching.  Just a brush of two feet can cause a man to loose his erection.  Woman in this area of the lifestyle do have it a little easier.  We are able to play or at least touch one another without large catastrophic events possibly coming.  Men on the other hand don’t even glance at another man’s cock while peeing in a public restroom. 
Your husband should have told you he wasn’t comfortable before the FMF but he may not have realized it until then. 
Maybe you and your husband could invite another man over and your husband could enjoy watching you with the other man until he was comfortable enough to join in. And  maybe he won’t but at least you are making an effort to help open sexual boundaries with him. 
Remind your husband there is nothing homosexual about two men playing with one woman.  Oh and make sure to check in if he seems uncomfortable…what may seem mind blowing to you just may be a poor experience for your husband. 

Answer:
By Aarron-
I have heard of this happening so many times that when people talk about maybe having a trade of threesomes for the first time I often suggest having the MFM threesome first because it is most often the husband that balks when it comes to sharing his wife in such deals.
As Miranda said… It isn’t fair, but it isn’t exactly un-fair either.
It is not worth doing if one of you (in this case your husband) is so uncomfortable with the idea that it could cause serious problems.
If the issue is one of homophobia then maybe doing as Miranda suggested is a good idea.
Having your husband just watch could ease such tensions.
If the issue however is one of insecurities that could lead to jealousies, anger, resentment, etc… then I would say it is more a matter of having some serious discussions about feelings.
Whatever you do however, don’t use the “I did it for you, so you owe me one.” argument.
He already knows that part.
He doesn’t need to hear it to understand it.
Telling him that will just result in guilt and defensive behavior.
Instead focus on the positive.
Discuss each other’s boundaries and fears.
Take your time and let him know that you are looking forward to the experience when he is ready for it to happen.

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