The Swingers Attic

Tag: insecurities

Wanting to be fair but am jealous and possessive

by on Mar.05, 2012, under Insecurities, Newbie Help

Question:
Hello Miranda and Arron,

My husband and I are new to swinging. We have been married for 20+
years. I introduced the concept swinging when we were first dating.
After we got married, my husband wanted to swing and I did not. So, we
did not.

He has brought up the idea from time to time, but he never pressured
me. After 20 years, I told him that I would be happy to try a MFM or
MFMMM… as these scenarios are my primary fantasies.

So, we started swinging. It has been 3 months and I love it. I love
the attention from multiple males. It makes me feel beautiful and
sexy, and I love that too.

Last week I said that it would be okay if he changed our profile to
include women. It seemed fair and reasonable. I was very happy and
relieved to make this offer. It felt genuine.

The next day, and everyday since, I have been consumed with negative
feelings. I feel deeply jealous and possessive. The thought of seeing
him with another woman makes me hate all other women.

Intellectually I can reconcile offering my husband the same experience
that he allowed me to have. When I think about it as being fair and
reasonable, I feel like I can do it, and I want to do it.

But, when it seems real, then I am consumed with feelings of fear,
hatred, and jealousy. I am feeling a little confused to say the
least… Please help.

Answer:
By Miranda-
I totally understand and sympathize with your feelings. I know sometimes I say things to Aarron thinking okay so I’m totally ready for this or that, only to run into insecurities and doubt.
You have two options in a situation like this. Either back out of the bargain and let your husband know you just aren’t ready yet but thought you were or…jump in feet first and try the situation out. Yes I know the second option is scary and to many people would seem crazy but sometimes we build things up in our heads so much they seem really big only to try something and find…hey this wasn’t bad, in fact I enjoyed it.
I was asked to go skydiving in my early twenties and I decides to go, but being SO scared I cried all the way to the place with four other girls in my car to listen to my fear. I got out of the car and thought people would DIE!!! I paid my $150.00 and watched the video and talked to the instructors and still had tears falling down my face. The instructors decided to make me go first so I could chicken out. On the way up I felt so dizzy and scared I was pretty sure I would jump but only because I fell out of the plane and passed out from fear. We jumped and to be honest with you I have never felt so free, alive and totally excited in ALL my life since.
Now I’m not saying that you watching your husband sleep with other women will make you feel as I did when I jumped out of a plane but maybe you are bringing more insecurity to the situation than needed. Just remember you never have to do anything you aren’t comfortable with and if in the end your insecurities do get the best of you well…that’s okay and your husband should be okay with that.
One more idea that just sprang to mind is maybe finding a female who’s willing to watch on the side lines for a while maybe one or two play sessions and at some point adding her to the fun. Whether it’s a MFM or just you and your husband getting naughty. Seek a female who is patient and maybe one who is also new to the lifestyle so there’s no pressure. I hope I’ve helped, and also remember to listen to yourself when it comes to your feelings. Your inner heart know what it will and won’t be up for so follow your heart as silly as that sounds. Good luck!!!

Answer:
By Aarron-
Humans are not always rational. You have experienced something and have analyzed your own feelings so realize that letting your husband experience similar things should be fine.
You are also a product of a society that teaches us to try and posses our partners in ways that make absolutely no sense. Books, news, gossip, movies all teach us not to be okay with letting our significant other get sexual gratification from others.
You are not alone in this type of thinking. Many people who enter the world on swinging and even more so people who are dipping their toes into polyamory experience conflicting emotions just as you described.
There is no easy fix to what you are dealing with.
It could end up being a long mental battle for you if you decide to continue on.
One option that Miranda didn’t mention is to maybe seek out couples who soft swing.
A soft swing couple would allow you to be able to build some lust up with a male while your husband gets to play a bit with a woman. In other words… you will be occupied mentally on something that will lessen your attention a bit on your husband and you will also know he is not going to be actually having intercourse.
A few experiences like that could lessen your emotional distress over him with other women before you decide to take it all the way.
I would like to caution you on trusting your emotional response once it has become more in line with your thinking.
Sometimes people begin to think it is all going well and their emotions are being put in check only to have them blow up again without much notice.
My reason for me mentioning that is because if a person is prone to such extreme negative feelings they should keep very aware of how they are feeling at all times.
You should also talk with your husband and with thoroughness explain what you think vs how you feel.
Do not make him become wary of your possible emotional responses, just make sure that he is aware and understands. Let him know that you wish to get through it and will need his support in doing so.
I am guessing that he will be understanding and willing to work through it by how you explained your situation.

 

 

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Another level before even getting started

by on Nov.26, 2011, under Insecurities, Newbie Help

Question:

My girlfriend and I have been talking about this lifestyle for some
time and just started practicing it about a year ago. We sat down and
discussed what our ground rules were going to be. The first thing that
we said was we would never play alone. Always had to be in the same
room or at least the same gathering. We started off with soft swap and
slowly worked our way up to full(Sort Of). Every time we got with a
couple something always happened that I never really got to be apart
of the swap completely. Basically I some how always got left out,
which is fine in a way because it is such a turn on just to see her
with another man. It seems that our rules change from time to time or
evolve I should say. Down we have been asked by some one we both know
and that she has been with if he could have a night or two alone with
her. When she asked me this it was like I swallowed a baseball. It
scares me. I don’t know if it is because I have yet to interact with
another woman or if it is insecurities that I have with myself? I
don’t know if I am ready to go to that level of the Lifestyle. Is this
normal to be so confused?

Answer:
By Miranda-
Oh honey, it’s so normal to be as confused and scared as you are and also totally normal to also get a little angry (not saying you are but some people get this way). I’m a firm believer that in life there are things that we don’t want to do but have to, and then there are things we don’t want to do and it’s totally okay we don’t. This situation is the latter!
If you’re not comfortable with having your partner play alone, especially for a couple nights then by George, don’t feel as if you have to give the go ahead.
Even if you feel as if your partner may get a little bent out of shape, remind her she’s so very important to you and for whatever reasons you aren’t into trying it. Let her know you have given it a lot of thought and truly don’t feel good about it.
I’d add that if she becomes defensive then you REALLY shouldn’t be trying the hall pass out.
Swinging is about open and honest communication and also bringing a couple close sexually and sometimes even spiritually. Your partner should hear your request with open ears and an open heart, and know that you wouldn’t say no unless you really felt strongly about it.
I don’t personally agree with playing separately in most cases, but I know for a lot of couples with time restraints and really busy schedules, sometimes it’s the only way. I think swinging alone can cause major holes in a relationships sexual communication and I have also watched it tear couples into divorces.
I’m not trying to scare you or make you feel insecure about your relationship, I’m just trying to let you know your concerns are valid and not crazy.
I hope you talk with your partner openly about how you’re feeling and also hear her justifications for wanting this. That doesn’t mean you have to then go for the situation. I hope I’ve given you a little reassurance in knowing you’re not alone. Thank you for opening your world to share your story as well…good luck!

Answer:
By Aarron-
Your reaction is a good one in my mind.
Unless you are more into getting off by knowing what your girlfriend is doing than actually participating or watching I would advise you to put the breaks on here.
The possible bad outcomes far outnumber any good ones that could come your way here.
I am not against separate swinging as much as my wife is, but I too have seen the crash and burn happen many a time with those that play separate. It does have it’s place, and we ourselves have our exceptions to the only together play. In general though it is best left for swingers who have been in the game long enough, and played enough to not still be trying to work out the basics of the lifestyle.
You are still just wading into the water and haven’t even got near the deep end yet.
My advise to you is to be a party pooper and say “nope” to the situation.
Play around a bit as a couple. Gain some experience. Get some lifestyle friends. Watch the ups and downs of others (learn from their mistakes) and then maybe talk about trying out situations such as separate dating/playing if it appeals to you.

A little extra note on rules:
Rules usually evolve over time in swinging. They often slowly disappear even after time.
That is good thing, but it is also good to change them slowly, and only as you gain experiences.
Whatever rules you may or may not have created when you originally decided to explore the swinging lifestyle had good reasons to be created. One or both of you felt each and every rule important because of fears, insecurities, experiences, or forethought. Unless EXPERIENCE is gained then those rules should not be changed. Without experiences the reasons for them still exist.

 

 

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