The Swingers Attic

Tag: jealousy issues

Jealousy and drama bombs at the swing club

by on Jul.23, 2012, under Insecurities, Lifestyle Etiquette, Unsorted

Question:

I hope you can help! My hubs and I are 28, and have been together
since 17. We entered the lifestyle about a year ago. In April, we
started volunteering at a lifestyle club near where we live. The first
night we were volunteering, we met a couple that we really seemed to
hit it off with. We all chatted a lot, and it was very clear the other
man was into me, but it seemed we were all getting along. We were not
to full swap yet at that time, and they were, so nothing happened that
night. We did find him sitting alone later waiting for her to come
back from time with a playmate. We haven’t played with them together,
but we have played with the hub in a MMMFF situation, and I have
played with him in one-on-one situation (with the blessing of BOTH
spouses). During our one-on-one, they hung out together at the club
and talked. Since it was our first full separate room swap, she spent
the time (needlessly) reassuring him- telling him how much I loved him
and how I wouldn’t leave him. However, the hubs has not seemed to have
any luck with her (she seems to prefer tall black men). She and I have
always been very friendly and have even talked about doing girlfriend
stuff together (mains-pedis, etc). Before we started doing full swap,
she even offered me advice on jealousy. We have even gone out to
dinner and a show (no sex!) with the couple- that was the last time we
saw them until this weekend at the club. I never am flirty until he
is, and when we all went out together I kept my hands on my own
husband (not hers!). It seemed everything went well and we received a
friendly text the next day saying they had a great time (from her).
However, this weekend when we saw them at the club, she was very cold
and he told me that she was feeling that I was falling in love with
him. He knows that is not the case. There is absolutely nothing
inappropriate going on on my part- I love my husband and have for the
past 10 years! Our intimacy and sex life has been enhanced by this
swinging experience. However, I don’t know how to handle this
situation. I do know that they played with a past couple where the
female became clingy- but I only have her contact info. I don’t even
have any way to contact him other than when we see each other at the
club. I am completely confused by where this came from, and a little
heartbroken. While I enjoy having sex and flirting with him, I really
like her and value her friendship. We want to keep this couple around-
we like them on other levels besides sex- and I don’t want to lose a
playmate over a concern that doesn’t exist.
How can I handle this situation? How would you handle this situation?
Thanks in advance.

Answer:
By Miranda-
I’m going to be totally honest and say, SWIM AWAY!!!!!  That’s how Aarron and I would handle it.  We don’t do drama or deal with other couples baggage so regardless of how much I valued their friendship they obviously have their own issues that I would say didn’t involve me or my husband.  The female was helping you with jealousy because she herself suffers from it.  She wasn’t into your husband but wanted to reassure him while you and her husband were having a good time that you wouldn’t leave your hubby.  It was probably eating her alive knowing that you two were playing and she was just waiting with all her insecurities for you to finish.  You truly gave a great background of your situation and I’m sorry that my answer to it is brief but we are swingers that run for the hills at any sign of drama.  I don’t put up with people bringing me into their relationships in a negative matter and I don’t like people making assumptions about me so if I were in your shoes I would say thanks but no thanks, bow out gracefully and then find other couples you want to become close with that aren’t high maintenance or drama causing.  Once again don’t spend time trying to hash out how you really feel to this women, she isn’t worth it because she obviously isn’t rational or logical.I know it’s always hard to walk away from a situation that isn’t resolved but remember there really is NO situation. Just one in her own head.  You don’t have to nor would it do any good to explain to her.  DON’T bite her hook….SWIM AWAY!!!!

Answer:
By Aarron-
You definitely need to get away from the situation before the drama bomb explodes.
Since you all frequent the same club it is basically a question of how to step away without causing an issue.
My own way of doing it if I was in your shoes would be to just go social only on the people. Be nice, be fun, but show no interest sexually.
Let it defuse all on it’s own. If you decide to do it in that manner and one of them pursues the issue it is completely fine to explain that swinging / the lifestyle is about added fun and nothing else. You have had your fun and enjoyed it, but now seek new adventures.
We know many couples who rarely play more than once or twice with the same people for that exact reason.
If by some chance that doesn’t solve it then being brutally honest is probably the only thing you can do.
“I’m sorry, but I started to sense some drama coming on and so I decided to step away from the situation.”
It is always best to keep situations friendly and nice in the lifestyle, but it isn’t always possible.
Best of luck.

 

 

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First time half swap and jealousy

by on Jul.08, 2012, under Newbie Help, Playing with others

Question:

My husband and I had our first experience at a party this weekend. I
loved it, he loved most of it. He admitted later that he didn’t like
seeing me with another man. We had agreed in advance that I would not
have intercourse. So I only had oral sex. He asked if it was ok for
him to have intercourse and I was more than fine with it. I don’t know
what you would call this, first of all. And I also wonder if this is a
common thing. I want to do this again but I am worried he won’t want
to because of his jealousy. What do I do to get him into it?

Answer:
By Miranda-
This is a total common thing, men usually either love watching their wives have sex with other men or it makes the hair on the back of their necks stand up and they see red.  I think men, no matter what any of them say are ALL about possession. I think it is a biological thing.  They love that THEIR sexy,  hot wife is being so naughty or they want that strange neanderthal to get the hell of f THEIR sexy hot wife.
I find it really funny at times how the simple male brain operates, me like or…club him!!!!  okay enough teasing on the guys.
I think the best thing to do is to try it  again because sometimes it takes a bit for husbands to warm up to the idea.
And then again it may not!
Only more play time will tell, and if after a couple more tries it still isn’t working for him then it’s time to throw in the ol swinger towel or live a life of FFM play.  I think its important for men that are having issues such as your husband’s to be honest about them so bravo and hats off to your husband.  Some men let it fester until their is a major blow up, sometimes during a play date!!!  EEEEP!!  I would definitely give it the ol college try though and see if things get better.  I will say that if Aarron wasn’t comfortable with me having sex with another man there would be NOOOOOOO way on GOd’s green earth he would be able to indulge.  Sorry honey but I’m all about even Stevens, none of that craziness in my house.  Equality now!!!! lol.
I also think it’s important for guys to be totally comfortable with the guy you’re playing with because it can put a husband on edge if they have any doubts about your male playmate.  I know Aarron and I have a couple that are SOOOOO relaxed and chill and so my husband feels okay with the guy but we have had playmates that Aarron wouldn’t even go to the bathroom because he didn’t trust them alone (isn’t he cute?).  So maybe you two need to find a couple and make super good friends with them so your hubby can sit back and marvel in HIS hot sexy wife doing naughty things.  Thanks for the great question and keep em  girl cummin!

Answer:
By Aarron-
What you two did is commonly called a half swap. It is not unusual and is most often the exact scenario you described, but sometimes is the reverse.
As to your husbands jealousy… it is a normal response for the majority of men to experience jealousy at first. It usually gets less and less as time goes by if you keep playing, but not always.
My advice is that you should keep it to half swap or soft swinging (both oral only) for a while and discuss feelings after your play-dates every time.
I don’t 100% agree with my wife that all men are “ALL about possession,” but I would say that to some degree it is for the most part true.
I mention that because you can play up to it. If you know what would turn your husband on visually or as a scenario when it comes to your actions you can make it a bit of a special show for him. It can in a way make it seem as if your actions are as much for him as for you. Not all men however are into such things.
I’ve met many couples who play separate room simply because they don’t enjoy seeing each other having sex with others. They like the strange/new partners for themselves, but are not down with watching their spouse get it on.
Miranda mentioned comfort levels between the men. This I do agree with completely. It is especially important if the male has jealousy issues based on propriety and feels possessive of his wife.
When a guy hits it off with another guy they chat and share things. They show off their stuff.
Look at my motorcycle, my collection of stamps, my baseball cards, my boat, my hobbies, etc… (I tried to be random) If a guy doesn’t hit it off with another guy he doesn’t want to share his collections, prize possessions, or hobbies. You as his wife fall into a weird category of possession. The first two words in your question say “My husband,” giving you possession of him.
You in a way possess each other. For him to feel very comfortable about sharing his wife he may also need to feel like he wants to show off his toys.
I hope you don’t get annoyed that I compared you as a wife to material objects, but the same motivations for a guy to show off his special collections/possessions to another guy are often they key to showing off his special wife in a sexual way.

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